


Someone Will Remember Us

by KingWinston



Series: Winston/Monty [1]
Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Child Abuse, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Jealousy, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, monty has friends who care about him, monty wants winstons attention, wonty - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:27:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 92,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24912337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KingWinston/pseuds/KingWinston
Summary: Monty is shocked to discover that the boy he spent his whole summer with has transferred to his school.
Relationships: Montgomery de la Cruz/Winston Williams
Series: Winston/Monty [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1833115
Comments: 528
Kudos: 796





	1. Ghosts Of The Past

**Author's Note:**

> So this is carried on after season 2 and the summer that Monty met Winston.  
> Monty did not rape Tyler in this version.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This story is written in Monty's POV.

**Chapter One**

"You can't seriously expect me to buy that bullshit."

No. No, I wasn't. But a bad excuse is better than no excuse.

I could have tried harder, made up some sob story about how clumsy little me slipped in the bathroom and hit my head on the sink. But what was the point?

Scott already knew what happened, so why was he asking? Did he want me to say it out loud? How would that change anything at all?

"What do you want me to say, eh?" I ask. I slam my locker shut with one open hand and Scott flinches.

He was giving me the pity look, the same one I always get whenever I come back with a new bruise.

"Look, man," he says in a much softer tone trying out a new approach. "All I'm saying is if you need a place to crash...you can always stay with me."

He starts studying my face carefully, probably waiting for me to break but I just shake my head.

"It's sweet that you care," I chuckle trying to turn it into a joke. Maybe he'll get the hint and he'll drop it, maybe he won't.

I turn my body and I start walking towards the stairs leaving Scott behind.

Scott wasn't the only one giving me pity looks. People took one glance at me as I passed them in the hallway and they averted their gaze.

That's right, don't fucking look at me.

I expected Scott to follow after me, tag along and try to find out what really happened but he didn't go after me. So he's giving up on me too, eh? Can't say I'm surprised.

I slow down a little and I turn my head to look if maybe Scott is still stood there. But he's not.

The hallway is busy with people talking, walking to lessons and looking into their lockers but Scott isn't one of them.

And I know I should be looking where I'm going. But what's the worst that can happen? I'll bump into someone? That's nice, I'll just push them out of the way, make it clear to them that it was their fault, not mine.

But Scott's not there. He left.

He left me.

Good. I was getting tired of him anyway.

And then I'm almost at the foot of the stairs and I turn my head. I know I've hit someone and it's purely my fault.

I turned my head and I hit straight into them. The top of my head hurts a little from where we've collided, I'm used to wearing a helmet but I'm also used to my dad beating the shit out of me so it's not like I won't recover. I've survived worse.

So I lift a hand to the top of my head because, obviously, when you press down on where it hurts then it stops hurting.

I tilt me head upwards with my right hand still resting on top of my head to see who I collided with.

He's standing on the last step and he's got a hand touching his jaw, probably where I've hit him. He's rubbing his hand down his jaw obviously using the same logic as me, he could just take the pain away if he tried hard enough.

I want to tell him to watch it, push him to the side and barge past him. But I can't.

My breath hitches in my throat and I let my hand drop from the top of my head.

Because he's there.

Here

Standing in front of me.

He's not a hallucination and it isn't another one of my dreams. No, I could never feel any of the bruises my dad left me in my dreams. At least not in the good ones.

And he only appears in the good ones. So no, this isn't a dream.

His hair is longer than I remember it to be but it's him all the same.

People walk past us but I pay no attention to them, everyone around us seems to be slowly drifting away and all I can focus on are those hazel eyes of his.

He's staring right back at me, waiting for me to say something. And if I could, I would.

I swallow hard because my throat suddenly feels dry like a desert and I can't seem to get any words out.

I can see that he's unsure of what to do. He could just walk past me, pretend I'm just another guy in a school full of guys like me. And I could walk past him, pretend I have no idea who he is. But I do.

I do.

He's the first to speak, obviously recovering quicker than me.

He licks his lips and it takes all the willpower I have to glue my eyes to his eyes because one glance at his lip would have given me away.

He tries to smile but doesn't quite succeed. I appreciate his efforts though.

"Hey..." he says quietly, his voice barely audible. He puts his hands in his pockets and he moves his shoulders back as if trying to relax.

Me? I haven't moved a muscle since I saw him.

Hey? That's all he's got to say to me? Hey?

"What are you doing here?" I ask. The words are rushing out of my mouth so quickly that they run into each other and I can no longer pretend that I'm not angry. Because I am. Angry at him.

He looks around and shrugs. "I have to get something from my locker-"

I scoff at how stupid he's being. And how can he be so goddamn calm? Does he really think he can just pretend the summer never happened? No, he can't. But I can.

"Not here," I say roughly and Winston stops finally realising how angry I am. "Here. Liberty." I state and he blinks. "Hillcrest not good enough for you?"

He seems to think that I'm making a joke. I'm not. His lips curl into a small smile and then it hits me. He's glad that I remember him.

I should have kept my mouth shut. I should have barged past him like he was just another fucker in this damn school.

But it's too late now. He knows that I remember him.

He opens his mouth to answer but I don't want to know. What do I care which school he goes to? I don't.

"I have a lesson to get to," I say trying not to give anything away in my tone.

I clear my throat in an attempt to also clear the awkwardness around us and slowly his smile disappears.

He doesn't get it though. He stays standing on that last step and if he doesn't move soon I'm going to have to push him out of the way and touching him is not an option.

I look away from him and I wait. The seconds tick by and it feels like we've been standing there for hours.

Maybe he just needs a little help.

"So?" I say and I raise my eyebrows at him. I make a motion to the side with my hand to show him to move and he finally seems to get it.

"Right," he says, his cheeks flushing slightly pink and he steps to the side to let me pass.

I miss the first step and I step straight onto the second one as if even standing on the same step as he could give me away.

He doesn't comment and I continue walking upwards. Two steps at a time.

***

So what if Zach was made captain?

It's not like it matters anyway. I didn't even want to be captain, all that extra work I would have had to put in. Who wants that?

Charlie tried to make me feel better but I didn't listen to a word he said. I had bigger things to worry about.

What was Winston doing here? I could only think of one reason, he was obviously here to tell everyone about the summer.

Maybe Bryce said something to him? But Winston promised not to talk.

I've tried calling and texting Bryce to see if he knew anything about this but so far there was no response. But it's been days since I first texted him and surely he would have replied by now. Maybe Bryce put him up to this?

It was almost five in the afternoon when I finally got home after football practice.

Estella knew better than to wait for me to drive her home and she must have taken the bus back home.

I take my keys out of my pocket to open the door but then I realise that the door is open. I pull down on the handle, push the door open and I go inside.

I make sure to lock the door behind me, God knows how many times my dad's beaten me for forgetting to lock the door even if I wasn't the last one to get home.

But it's fine, I'd rather have him beat me than Estella.

The lights inside are off but I can see clearly inside the living room as the light from the TV screen lightens up the room.

He fell asleep on the couch. His head is thrown back and he's still in a sitting posting, a half-empty beer bottle still in his hand.

I know that I should probably take the bottle from him, if he spills the beer on the couch then it's going to be my fault. Everything is my fault in his eyes.

But I'm too tired to care.

I stay in the doorway for a few more seconds to watch him sleep. He's obviously drunk, I'd be surprised if he wasn't. I'm used to coming back to this ever since mum left us.

Fucking bitch. She left herself but left us with him. She was no better than he was.

I slowly drift away thinking about the day I finally leave this family behind. Well, maybe not Estella, she still had some redeeming qualities.

Estella.

She's standing at the top of the stairs and she's giving me that look.

Something's happened.

Our dad usually didn't need a reason to get drunk but it looks like he had his reasons this time.

I go up the stairs as quietly as I can, wouldn't want to wake the son of a bitch up.

Estella's waiting for me by the door to my room and my eyebrows furrow.

"What?" I ask and she looks uncomfortable.

I sigh. I know that Estella sees stuff happen when I'm not home but she usually keeps it to herself.

After a few moments, she still doesn't speak and I take a step towards my room.

"Monty, wait," she says and she steps to the side as if she could actually stop me from going into my room.

"What?" I ask, my voice much rougher now but I don't care.

Estella looks down at the ground and I hear her sigh. "Dad...When I came home he was already drunk. He was looking for something, wouldn't tell me what. He's convinced you've stolen it."

I raise one eyebrow and I have to force myself not to laugh. Of course, he thinks that.

Estella sees the grin forming on my face and she's not happy. "Monty! This is serious," she says in a hushed tone. "He's pissed. Whatever you took...just give it back. I'm sure he'll just be glad that it's back and he won't..."

"Beat me?" I finish for her and she looks away again. But I can't believe that she seriously believes the old man. "You think I took something from him? I may be stupid but I ain't suicidal."

I take a few more steps forward and I push my door open despite Estella's attempts to grab my hands or to push me back to stop me.

And I understand why she didn't want me going inside.

What little furniture I have in my room, it barely even resembles furniture.

My mattress is on the floor and it's probably the only thing that's still intact. The bed still stands where it usually does but the headboard is broken in half as if someone's purposely has been trying to wreck it. And obviously, someone has.

My desk is tipped upside down and broken in half, papers and school books that were previously on it are now strewn all over the floor.

The whole room is one big mess. My closet door wide open, clothes all over the place, broken pieces of furniture lying in random places.

"Monty-" Estella says softly but I shut her up with one look.

"Let me guess," I say. "My room is the only one he's searched?"

Estella's face tells me everything I need to know.

"Motherfucker," I say under my breath and Estella steps away to let me finally walk inside.

I clench my fists as I try to take into the mess he's made. Yeah right he's lost something, I bet the fucker just misplaced it and blamed me for it like always.

"I'll help you clean up," Estella says quickly as I step further into the room.

I step on something and it breaks but I don't bother to look, everything else is broken anyways.

Estella says something about a brush but I don't listen and she leaves downstairs.

I take one deep breath and I shut the door.

Just one big mess locked in one room.

***


	2. Ghosts Of The Past

**Chapter Two**

"You look like shit," Charlie says and I know I do.

I'm wearing clothes than spent the whole night lying about my room, it's safe to say that they look neither clean nor ironed.

Sleeping on the floor didn't help improve my look either. I tossed and turned all night on the mattress that was on the floor. I didn't bother cleaning anything up, I went straight to sleep and I was sure there were at least a dozen splinters stuck in me.

I brought a hand up to my hair and I tried to sort my hair out as I walked away from my car with Scott and Charlie following close behind.

"Rough night?" Scott asks like he knows something I don't.

I shrug as Scott now appears by my right. What does he want me to say? That my dad wrecked my room to the point that it looks more like a dumping ground? Just because he did doesn't mean I'm gonna go around telling everyone about it.

Scott sighs defeatedly like he sees no point in carrying on the conversation and he starts talking to Charlie, asking about last night's football practice but I don't join in. 

As we approach the school building, I see him. I know it's him, only Winston would wear something like that to school.

He's obviously still used to the way he used to dress when he was at Hillcrest. His long coat and grey scarf made him look so skinny and small. Only then, when I could see him from a distance I could see how small he really was. I could snap him in half if I wanted to.

He's not alone. 

I see that freak standing by his side. Tyler Down. He's holding a camera and explaining something to Winston. He's not even been here for a full week and he's already managed to make friends with the weirdos. Good for him.

He's hanging onto Tyler's every word, his eyes following Tyler's fingers as he points to the camera. Freaks.

"Any weekend plans?" Scott now asks me throwing an arm over my shoulder. But that's okay. We're just friends, people know that.

"Nah," I say simply finally taking my eyes off the freaks who are obsessing over a camera. Seriously, how can a camera be that interesting? "Probably just gonna sleep. I'm gonna need to rest before the season starts."

Scott nods like he understands but then he turns his head to the side to look at me. "If you wanna come over to, I don't know, play games or something..." I don't say anything and Scott continues. "Charlie can come too."

He looks to my left to give Charlie a nod and he seems pleased to be included. If only he knew that he's just invited to make it less awkward for me.

"Sure," Charlie says without as much as a second thought.

I can hear Tyler Down's annoying voice by now. He's ranting on about resolutions and I try so hard to keep my eyes away from them but I just can't help looking.

He's laughing at something Tyler just said. I can see his straight white teeth and the twinkle in his hazel eyes and it's the most mesmerising thing I've ever seen. I can't help but wonder what Tyler said to make him laugh.

I used to make him laugh like that. I still could.

It's almost as if he can feel me looking at him. Like he knew I was looking at him all along but he only chose to acknowledge me now.

He slightly turns his head to the side and looks directly at me. He's not laughing anymore but he's got a stupid grin on his face and I feel sick. 

He wouldn't tell Tyler...would he?

He looks me up and down and then he turns back to Tyler to keep on discussing boring old cameras. He could have much more interesting conversations with me.

And we're gonna pass him any moment now and I don't know what's worse, the fact that he's not looking at me or that I _want_ him to look at me.

***

Saturday night.

My plans to 'rest before the season starts' are destroyed even before they can begin. 

I took Scott up on his offer and it was fun while it lasted. I managed to beat Charlie every time he played against me and Scott didn't ask any questions about my dad or the bruises. And I was okay, even if it was only for a few hours.

Then I came back home and everything came crashing down. 

I found Estella sitting on the steps outside the house, crying. My blood turned cold just at the sight of her. I was sure that he tried to hurt her because I wasn't there for him to take his anger out on.

But Estella saw my expression and she quickly told me that he hadn't touched her. I would have killed him if he did.

He was just having another one of his tantrums. 

When I walked inside, he was throwing shit around the whole house and insulting our mum at the top of his voice. No wonder she left his sorry ass.

When I tried to intervene...Well, let's just say it didn't end well.

So now there I was, sitting on some bench, pressing my jacket into the side of my head and letting it soak up the blood from where my dad broke the bottle against my head.

I didn't see the point in staying after that. 

I ran out of the house stumbling on my way out as Estella held onto my arm and begged me to stay. But why should I? Everyone else gets to leave, why can't I?

I was going to get my car but I felt so dizzy from being hit with the bottle that even I knew that that would be suicide. 

So I walked. And I walked until I ended up here.

I wasn't exactly sure what 'here' was but it'll do, for now.

No, that's a lie. I knew exactly where I was.

I've been here a few times during the summer but no one knew that. No one except him.

So what was I doing here? Yeah, I've been asking myself that for a while now.

Maybe I was hoping to see him. He'd see me sitting here, he'd walk over, asking me what happened and I'll tell him to fuck off. Then I'd leave him and he'd stay there wondering what on earth happened to me. Maybe then I'll finally have his attention and he'd stop fawning over Tyler fucking Down.

He's taken me here before, the small park that he can see from his bedroom window. It's not really a park, it's a place for rich people to walk their dogs and talk to other rich people about how great their life is. Sure it is, Lauren.

But if you take that path down there and then you jump over that fence over there...that's a whole different place.

I try not to think about the summer. What was I thinking? But the more that I think about it, I realise that it was probably the best summer of my life.

But summer's over now. And he's going to my school and I have to see him every day. This wasn't supposed to happen.

I carefully take my jacket away from my head and I look at the bloodstains on the jacket. It was my varsity jacket, my favourite one. But I'd have to throw it away now.

I really regretted using my jacket to soak up the blood, not only was it completely ruined but I was freezing cold now that I only had my T-shirt covering my upper body.

It shouldn't be this cold in September. Or maybe it wasn't, maybe I wasn't shivering from the cold.

"Hey."

The sound of his voice is so faint that I'm sure I've imagined it. I don't want to look if he's standing there because if he isn't, then I'm just imagining him again. I really need to stop doing that.

But he's real, alright. 

I don't say anything, I don't move and I hear him sigh softly.

He walks around the bench and he sits on the other side of it, far away from me like he's used to it by now.

"What have you done?" he asks softly and this is the part where I'm supposed to tell him to fuck off. I don't.

His dark curly hair falls over his eyes and he pushes it back with one hand. He doesn't say anything and he waits for me to speak.

I shouldn't. I should get up and leave right now.

My elbows are resting on my knees and I'm clutching onto the bloodied jacket like my life depends on it. I know he's seen the bloodstains but he doesn't say anything.

"What are you doing here?" I said quietly and I clutch onto the jacket so hard that my knuckles turn white.

I slightly turn my head so I'm able to see his face and he seems to be amused. There's a twinkle in his eyes and he's got a small smile plastered on his face.

"Me?" he asks softly with a bit of a chuckle. "Monty, you're the one sitting under my bedroom window."

And I guess I am, but so what? 

I've wanted his attention and now that I've got it, I have no idea what to do with it.

"Saw you hanging out with Tyler Down yesterday," I say like that's the biggest of my concerns.

Winston seems surprised that that's what I want to bring up and talk about but he doesn't object and he doesn't try to change the topic.

"Yeah, he's cool," he says casually and I scoff. "Nice to know you can see me, though." he continues and when he seems my confused expression he smiles sadly. "I was starting to think I might be invisible to you or something. At least that's what you're acting like."

I quickly look away. Does he want me to feel guilty? Is he-

And then suddenly I can't breathe anymore. I can't think, I can't move, I can't breathe.

All I can focus on is his hand and his fingers that are lightly brushing against my hand. 

His warmth is radiating onto me and all I want to do is grab his hand and never let go. But then I take a deep breath and I remember all the reasons why doing that would be wrong.

My heart is thudding so hard that I'm convinced he can hear it hammering against my chest like it's about to explode.

Now, this would be a good time to push him away from me but I can't because now he's tugging at the jacket in my hands and soon it's going to be too late to stop him.

I resist at first and I hold onto the jacket as tight as I can but I give in quickly. 

He pulls the jacket out of my hands and he puts it down on the bench between us. My hands feel empty without it and I wish I had something to hold onto.

I shiver feeling even colder without the jacket in my grasp and I can feel Winston's eyes burning into my back.

"Are you cold?" he asks but he doesn't wait for me to respond and he's already unwrapping the grey scarf that's around his neck. The same one I saw him wearing yesterday morning when he was talking to Tyler.

"I'm fine," I say but Winston's already leaning across the bench and I feel the soft fabric touch my neck. I wonder how much it cost. A lot, probably.

He wraps it loosely around my neck making sure not to touch me with his hands. But I wish he would.

The scarf is wrapped around my neck, the ends of it brushing past my shoulders and it smells just like him and my heart skips a beat. 

It's pathetic how soft and ridiculous I get around him. I should just get a grip.

But the scarf smells just like him and memories from the summer start flooding into my head like a tsunami.

"We should get inside. Get you cleaned up," Winston says as he stands up. He's holding my jacket in his hands and I look up at him.

He's not judging me. He's waiting. He's always waiting for me.

He doesn't hold his hand out, he knows I wouldn't take it if he did.

I nod shakily and I start to stand up. I feel dizzy still but I don't say anything. I just hope to God that he hasn't seen me stagger.

And if he did, he doesn't comment on it.


	3. A Second Is A Long Time

**Chapter Three**

I've managed to wipe most of the blood away but just because the blood is gone doesn't mean that the damage is too. I can see the exact places where the bottle shattered and the glass dug into my skin.

I stand in the mirror and I tilt my head to get a better angle. Scott is gonna freak out when he sees. 

I could take a few days off of school, wait till it's less visible and then Scott won't have to interrogate me.

I gently touch one of the cuts with my fingertips to checks for any leftover shards of glass and I managed to pick some bigger pieces out of my skin. It hurts and I wince once or twice but it's nothing I haven't done before.

Winston is sitting on the edge of the bathtub. I know that he's squeamish but he hasn't looked away, not once.

He doesn't ask any stupid questions, he can probably piece together what happened.

I wish he'd say something though, anything. 

The last time we hung out in the summer I told him about my dad. He listened and then we said goodbye and we knew that that was the last time we were to hang out together.

Apparently not though.

I frown in the mirror thinking about how he broke that promise. I always knew he was the clingy type.

"Look, I know what you're gonna say...but I _really_ think we should have someone check that out," Winston says. He's biting his lip and he's looking at me like he's worried about me. 

Cute.

I stare back at my own reflection in the mirror. But Winston's teeth are still pressing down into his bottom lip and I feel my pulse quicken. 

I turn the tap on and I run my hands under the warm water. 

My jacket is soaking in cold water in the bathtub that Winston is sitting on, he googled it and apparently you _can_ get blood out of clothes. Not sure if it'll get all of it though.

I rub my soapy hands together. They're probably clean by now but I need a moment to calm down and not to think about the fact that I'm standing in his bathroom. With him. 

What is wrong with me.

"I got expelled," Winston says and his voice fills the silence between us. "And I'm sure you can guess why I decided to move to Liberty out of all places."

I dare to glance back at him and he gives me a small unsure smile. What's that supposed to mean?

I ignore the last part and I focus on the first. Expelled? I couldn't imagine him doing anything worth expelling for, he was too soft. 

"What for? Did you copy someone's maths homework?" I tease him, he doesn't need to know how hard my heart is racing. I rinse my hands with lukewarm water, if I can appear to look calm then maybe he'll believe it. I look up into the mirror and I catch a glimpse of him. He's not laughing or smiling anymore, he even looks a bit nervous.

My hands are dripping wet with water and I shake them off. The towels are dangerously close to Winston and I don't trust myself to walk past him and reach the towels without doing anything stupid.

I turn around and I wipe my hands on my jeans as I lean against the sink.

Winstons looks down on the floor and he sighs. "Cheated on my SAT actually," he says quietly and I freeze.

He explains how the guy that took his SAT for him got caught and he ratted him out but I don't take any of it in. 

We lost our leverage.

And that's all I can think about.

It was the only thing we had on him that stopped him from talking. And now we had nothing. Nothing was stopping him from telling everyone. He had nothing to lose anymore.

I couldn't control myself. Before I knew it, I was standing over him, my hands gripping onto the collar of his shirt.

"Is that why you're here, eh?" I hiss at him.

He looks up at me, his hazel eyes full of terror. The same look he had in his eyes in the summer when he opened the door and I was stood there wanting to apologise for what happened at the party.

I'm pushing him back against the bathtub and his hand reaches out to hold onto the tiled wall. He must be worried that he's gonna slip and fall into the cold water where my jacket is currently laying.

But that's not gonna happen. My hands are gripping tightly onto his shirt and I'm not just gonna let him go.

"Monty," he whispers and I can see that he's scared.

His parents aren't home. It's just us two. I could beat the shit out of him, leave him in the bathroom and no one would know. 

But I could also do something else. I could just lean in and-

And then I remember why I'm holding onto him in the first place.

"What? So just because you fuck your life up you think you can just come and fuck mine up too?" I ask and Winston's eyebrows furrow. He doesn't look scared anymore, more like confused. And he realises that I'm scared too.

Because I am. If anyone finds out about the summer, my life would be over. My dad would beat me until I couldn't walk, my friends would think I'm some disgusting fag and no respectable football team would want a faggot on their squad.

Good thing that I'm not. A fag, that is. The summer was a mistake, a one-time thing and it was never going to happen again. We might as well pretend it never happened.

"You think that's what I want? To fuck up your life? God. Monty..." He sounds disappointed like he can't believe that I'd think this low of him. But what Am I meant to think? Bryce isn't answering my messages, we've lost our leverage and now he's everywhere I look.

Winston's not meeting my eyes and I slowly loosen my grip on his collar. He lets out a ragged breath as I back away from him.

"I could never do that. Not to you," he breaths out as he tries to calm himself down.

I let my hands drop by my sides and I take a few steps away from him.

What was I thinking? I was gonna beat him up? Again? He wouldn't forgive me, not this time.

I don't dare to look up at him, see what he looks like, what he might be thinking. 

"I'm not going to tell anyone," he says softly but I still don't look up at him. I see him move towards me slightly and I take another step back so that my lower back is touching the sink again.

He doesn't try to get closer to me and I appreciate that. Because I'm in his bathroom. With him. And my pulse is racing for whatever reason.

He starts to say something but I refuse to listen.

"I gotta go," I quickly interrupt him and I look up at him again.

His lips are parted and his face is relaxed. I'm surprised at how quickly he recovered from me threatening him but I don't comment on it. 

"I, erm, gotta go," I repeat and I point towards the bathroom door. 

I don't know what I'm waiting for, his approval? For him to open the door for me and escort me out like I'm a kid? Or maybe I want him to ask me to stay.

But if he does...I'm not sure what my answer would be.

I don't move. I stay standing there, my feet glued to the floor and Winston's looking me up and down like he knows I won't leave.

He crosses his arms over his chest and he waits. He slightly raises one eyebrow and he tilts his head to the side. "Go then," he says and he licks his lips.

I'm pretty sure he's doing it on purpose but I fall for it anyway and my eyes flicker towards his lips. 

And suddenly every second feels like an hour and I could spend hours just studying his lips.

Those lips that I so liked to kiss.

Damn you, Winston Williams.

Deep breaths.

"I'm going."

***

I wake up in a bed that isn't mine but I'm sleeping alone. 

I don't open my eyes and I smile to myself as I pat the empty side of the bed and I search for something to grab. A pillow.

I bring in closer to my chest and I wrap my arm around it.

I'm proud of myself. 

Okay so I might not be sleeping in my own bed, but at least I'm not sleeping in _his_ bed either. That's good. Give me one more week and I won't even notice him in school. He'll just be another boy.

I'm suddenly aware that I'm not alone anymore and someone else is in the room. I hear him sigh softly and I already know what he's gonna say.

"Leave me alone Scotty," I mumble into the pillow. "I'm tired."

He groans and I can imagine him rolling his eyes at me. I open my eyes just to see if I'm right.

He's leaning against the door frame, his arms crossed over his chest and he's not amused. 

"Are you planning on telling me what happened to your head?" he asks and raises his eyebrows as he waits for an answer.

I groan into the pillow and I close my eyes hoping that he'll just go away. I may have gotten away with not explaining anything last night but Scott wasn't just going to forget about it.

After leaving Winston (and my jacket) behind, I walked all the way over to Scott's house. 

It took me some time to get there but the walk was good for me, I could clear my head and calm myself down.

Being in a room alone with Winston was not a good idea and I hated how it affected me. But I did manage to leave without doing anything stupid and that must count for something.

Estella texted Scott after I left the house. She was worried about me, she saw the broken bottle, she saw the blood, she saw me barely being able to stand on my feet. She was convinced I would have gone to Scott's.

I bury my face further into the pillow and it stinks of Scott. 

I remember Winston's scarf around my neck. His smell filling my nostrils and me not minding it, it was intoxicating. It was a shame I left it at his house. 

Footsteps. And then the pillow is dragged out of my grasp. 

I groan and I open my eyes to see Scott standing over me, hugging the pillow to his own chest. He's trying so hard to look angry, but he's not doing well.

I chuckle lightly at how ridiculous he looks. Eyebrows furrowed, frowning down at me as he hugs his pillow. 

"Estella told me what happened," he says simply and I stop laughing. 

His face softens and he swallows as he waits for me to react. But what am I supposed to do? 

Scott always knew. Deep down, he knew where my scars and bruises were appearing from. But he's never said it out loud.

And now he has.

He's staring at me. But not the same way Winston stared at me when I told him about my dad. No. 

Winstons...he listened patiently. He didn't look at me like he felt sorry for me. He didn't try to apologise and say 'I'm sorry that happened to you'. That's not what I would have wanted to hear. 

"Thank you for telling me," he said. 

Scott, on the other hand, here he was grimacing at me. The 'I'm sorry that happened to you' look was all over his face.

I sigh and I press my lips together. "Okay? And?"

Scott scrunches up his nose in disbelief. Of course, I didn't expect him to understand. My dad could get aggressive sometimes but it was okay, I was used to it. No amount of pity he gave me could change that. I just didn't see the point in feeling sorry for myself.

All I had to do was graduate (could be difficult) and then I'd be free and I could do whatever I wanted. Maybe I could even take Estella with me.

Shit, I really need to start studying.

Estella.

"Is 'Stella okay?" I ask suddenly fully awake. 

Fuck. I'm so fucking stupid. How could I leave her behind? With _him_? 

But he wouldn't...he wouldn't. He wouldn't dare to touch Estella.

Scott sees how distraught I am as I sit up and he quickly calms me down.

"She said she's staying with your mom. For a while," he says and I blink.

Right. Our mom. 

I don't say anything else as I get out of Scott's bed and I look around the room. 

His room looks nothing like the mess that is my room. His room looks like someone actually lives here, clothes neatly folded and put away, homework set out on his desk, and even the empty mug on the nightstand looks like it belongs there. No broken furniture anywhere.

Everything belongs there. Everything except for me. I don't fit in. 

Scott sees me staring at the mug and he thinks that I must be hungry, he brought me hot chocolate in that mug last night. I was pretty shaken up but the hot chocolate seemed to help. Winston loved hot chocolate too. I wonder if he still does.

"I can make breakfast?" Scott suggests. He's desperate to change the topic of the conversation, I hope he finally understands that I don't wanna talk about my dad or anything else that may have happened or almost happened last night.

I can't help but wonder what could have happened if I stood there for a second longer, if I hadn't looked away from his lips, if I had stayed...

"Breakfast?" Scott tries again and I realise that he's waiting for some kind of response.

"Huh? Yeah. Breakfast. Sure," I mumble and I lightly shake my head. Get it together Monty.

I rub my hands down my face and Scott gives me a pat on the shoulder as he walks past me and towards the door.

"You should shower," I hear him say as he stops by the door and I look up at him. "You reek."

I'm wearing yesterday's clothes, the same clothes that I slept in, so yeah, I guess I do reek.

I snort as he walks out and leaves me alone again. I'm glad he's letting it go for now. All of it. Because I don't wanna talk about it, I've made that clear. I have nothing to say anyways.


	4. Dirty Laundry

**Chapter Four**

Scott seems to be getting the hang of this 'don't ask too many questions' thing. But I'm also starting to understand the 'you can talk to me whenever' thing.

And who knew that it could actually help.

Scott doesn't comment, he doesn't try to give me advice and he tries his best not to give me any pity looks even though they do occur sometimes.

It's been almost a week since that night and I've been too focused on football to be able to think about anything else. I wake up, go to school, go to practice, go home and go to bed.

We've won our first game of the season and we felt good about it. Zach was sure we were going to reach the playoffs. Yeah, it'd be weird if we didn't.

Scott doesn't play football, not anymore, but that doesn't stop him from waiting for me after practice. He says he doesn't mind, that he likes doing his homework in the library. But I doubt he spends all that time doing homework in the library. Nevertheless, I keep my mouth shut and I don't ask questions.

Charlie walks with me all the way to the parking lot where we're supposed to meet up with Scott. He seems to be happy babbling on about football and I nod and hum here and there so he doesn't think I'm ignoring him. Which I am.

I still haven't gotten my jacket back. Every day Charlie asks me where my jacket is and every day I come up with a new excuse. Scott must have caught on and he shuts down Charlie pretty quickly whenever he even thinks about mentioning the jacket.

I wish Winston would just give it back. Maybe the blood stained it so badly that he had to throw it away? I wouldn't know, I haven't seen him around much and even if I did it's not like I could just walk up to him and ask him to give me back my jacket.

Maybe he's hoping that I'll come to his house again to ask for it back. The very thought leaves my hands sweating. He could keep on dreaming, I'm not going anywhere near his house ever again and he knows better than to show up at my house to give me back the jacket.

Either way, I miss it.

Scott is nowhere to be seen when we reach my car and I'm already annoyed with him.

"He said he was gonna wait," Charlie says and he looks me up and down wearily like he expects me to lash out just because Scott is a few minutes late.

"Yeah, no shit," I sigh and Charlie quickly looks away.

I don't have anything against Charlie, he's actually kinda cool. 

Still, I don't understand how he can just be gay and not be ashamed of it. Does he really think it's okay to hold hands with a boy in public? Did no one teach him how wrong that is?

Scott finally appears after a few more minutes of waiting and even Charlie looks annoyed. We just spent hours in practice and we couldn't wait to go home and yet we had to wait for this dummy to show up.

"Sorry. Sorry, got caught up," I hear Scott shout. Charlie and I have to turn because Scott's approaching us from behind. 

Library, huh? Unless he decided to circle the whole school building, he definitely wasn't coming from the library.

"Monty and I were starting to get worried," Charlie whines and he glances at me and then back at Scott. 

He's thinking the same thing that I am. But he knows that if he asks Scott where he's been, Scott will probably ignore him. Charlie is only two years younger than us but we still treat him like an annoying younger sibling.

He's looking at me again, waiting for me to ask Scott what held him up. And as much as I'd love to know, our friendship at the moment relies on not asking questions and I'm not going to jeopardise that.

"We gonna stand here or are you, two idiots, gonna get in the car?" I ask them and I open the door to the driver's seat.

Charlie looks a bit annoyed that I completely chose to ignore him. Tough. He'll get over it.

Scott doesn't say anything as he gets in the car.

So what if he wasn't in the library? Who cares what he's been doing, I'm not gonna monitor him 24/7. All of us do shit that no one else knows about.

And if he doesn't wanna tell me, that's fine, it's not like I tell him about everything I've been up to anyway.

Once we're all in the car (Charlie huffing and puffing in the backseat), I start the car when I hear Charlie chuckle.

"Your jacket!" he laughs and I swear I am about to lose it. Why is he so obsessed with my jacket, I've told him so many times to just stop asking.

Scott and I turn to look at Charlie in the backseat at the same time. 

I realise that Charlie's not asking me where my jacket is. He knows where it is because it's in his lap.

"You said you didn't know where it was," Charlie says excitedly and he holds it out towards me.

I can hear the blood pumping around my body in my ears and I can't think. What the hell is happening to me? I start to sweat nervously and I quickly snatch the jacket from Charlie's hands.

"Where was it?" I ask as casually as I can. But my hands start to tremble as I focus my eyes on the jacket. 

I turn it around and I look at the place where I remember the bloodstains to be. They're not invisible but they're not noticeable either. You wouldn't see them if you didn't know what you were looking for.

"Here," Charlie says patting the space next to him with his hand. "In the backseat. It was just folded up."

I nod slowly. Charlie doesn't seem to think much of it but Scott is starting to catch on.

"You okay?" Scott asks. 

And when I look up I see him studying my face with his blue eyes. His eyebrows are slightly raised and I see genuine worry on his face.

I exhale and I place the jacket to the edge of my seat like it's nothing. But it's not nothing.

I can't stop thinking about the fact that he's been here, he unzipped the back 'window' of my car and he put the jacket inside. Saves me the trouble of having to ask for it I guess.

"Yeah. Fine," I say quickly and I wrap my hands around the staring wheel.

Anyone could have seen him drop that jacket off in my car and what would they think? Him, holding my jacket and putting it in my car.

Even an idiot could put the pieces together. 

The sooner he understands that I want nothing to do with him the better.

***

I'm still clutching onto the jacket when I get home. 

I expect to find dad passed out on the couch again, 4th day in a row, but when I walk inside, something feels...different.

I take my shoes off in the hallway and I hear laughter coming from the direction of the kitchen. Actual laughter. 

At first, I think it's coming from the TV, I haven't heard laughter in our house for quite a while, but then I hear Estella's voice.

Estella. She's back from staying at our mom's house.

I haven't really talked to Estella since that night. We saw each other a couple of times at school and she asked me how I was doing, if I wanted to stay with her and mom and how dad was doing. 

I hurry up to my room with the jacket still in my hand. 

I still haven't had the chance to look at it properly, for some reason I felt like I shouldn't h\ve it out in public. Like someone might look at it and immediately know that I was at Winston's house on Saturday and from there on they'd be able to figure everything else out. 

I know it's stupid and I know I'm being paranoid but there's no such thing as being too careful.

I open the door to my room. When I left this morning, it looked like a construction site with its broken furniture and random pieces and bits everywhere. It didn't look like that anymore.

The mattress is back on the bed, the bed neatly made with new bedding. The headboard is still broken but the bits of wood that used to stick out and stab into my thigh every time I walked past aren't there anymore.

My clothes aren't strewn all over the floor, no the floor is clean, so I'm guessing someone put them back into the closet.

Someone's put all of the stuff that used to be on my desk and shelves in one cardboard box and the broken pieces of furniture are nowhere to be seen.

Estella must have been really bored if she decided to clean this mess. Either that or she wants something from me.

I throw the jacket onto my bed as I look around once again. It's clean. It hasn't been this clean since...Since mom left.

"Hey! Do you like it?"

I turn around and I see Estella holding onto my door frame. She's got a wide grin on her face and her eyes are sparkling as she watches me take in my room's transformation.

"I...What happened?" I ask stupidly and Estella laughs. God, I can't remember the last time I've heard her laugh.

She takes a few steps inside the room and she looks around too. "I thought it was time someone finally cleaned this mess up," she says with a shrug. And then she takes a deep breath. "Mom helped out a bit."

I'm not sure I heard her right at first and I raise an eyebrow. "Mom? Our mom?"

"Yes, who else's," she jokes unsurely because she has no idea how I'm taking it. Yeah, me neither.

What does this mean? Does she think she can just waltz back into our lives, pretend that we're a happy little family and then all the bruises and scars on my body will just magically disappear? That's not how it works. She can't just decide when she wants to start being a mom, she lost that title the minute she walked out on us.

"Dad said we can go furniture shopping tomorrow. If you want," Estella adds like it's better to just let me take it all in at once rather than giving me the information in chunks over time. "I can go if you don't want to though. Don't worry, I won't pick anything girly."

She's giving me an unsure smile like she wants me to just play along. And I could ruin the whole illusion, throw a tantrum but I'm so _tired_ of fighting and arguing.

I nod slowly. "Okay," I say quietly and Estella starts to relax. "Nothing pink though."

I can pretend for a little while longer, God knows I've been doing it for a while now. 

She gives me another one of her laughs and I can't help but smile. Estella has one more piece of news for me though.

"Mom made dinner," she tells me. "I'd be nice if you joined us downstairs."

Family dinner together? I have no good memories of that. I remember dad lashing out when he found a hair in his food or when he came back from work to find that mom made soup instead of a proper meal. Or that one time I talked back to him at the table so he threw my plate across the kitchen and he sent me straight to bed while mom stood in the corner and watched, too scared to defend her own son.

But if they want to play happy families then sure, I'll play along. Maybe if we try hard enough then this time at least one of us might actually believe it.

"I'll be down in a minute," I say defeatedly. There's no point putting up a fight, I'm going to lose either way.

Estella gives me a nod of approval like she's proud of me and then her eyes travel towards the bed. "I see you found your jacket."

She raises an eyebrow like she knows something she shouldn't and I hope that I'm just overthinking.

***

The jacket smells like him.

After about half an hour of acting like I'm in a washing powder advert with my mom in the lead role, I was finally able to escape up to my room.

And the jacket smells just like him.

My favourite part of the evening was watching my dad, who was sitting opposite me, act like he hadn't smashed a bottle over my head just six days ago. He made jokes, asked Estella about school, complimented mom and even asked me about the football team.

I tried my best to play my part of the eldest son and the big brother but I knew it wasn't going to last. It never does.

But I could worry about that another time.

I was laying on my bed, one leg resting on the knee of the other one as I held the jacket up to my face.

I could picture him putting it on, slipping the large sleeves over his skinny arms, wrapping it around himself and pretending I was actually there with him. I hope he's better at pretending than I am.

I breathe in his scent once more and I sigh. 

I miss him.

There was no point denying it anymore.

I miss his curly dark hair, his hazel eyes, his smile when I compliment him. I miss the way he used to look at me when he thought I wasn't paying attention and I miss the way he pressed his forehead against mine straight after we fucked.

I wonder if he misses me too. Does he miss the way I used to make him feel? Is he laying in his own bed and thinking about me, picturing me burying my nose into the jacket that now smells just like him.

I can't think about that. 

I unpeel the jacket from my face and I throw it to the foot of the bed. 

Something falls out of one of the pockets. A scrap of paper.

I blink and then I move my body to reach for the piece of paper before anyone else can see it even though I'm the only one in the room.

It looks like it's been torn out of a notebook or something and it's folded in half.

With trembling hands, I unfold the piece of paper and my heart rate quickens as my eyes skim over the message.

_'took almost a full bottle of laundry detergent to get the stains out. you owe me :)'_


	5. Workshops

**Chapter Five**

Ignoring Winston has proved to be easier than I thought it would be.

I barely have any free time left to think about him, Scott has started to help me study to make sure I actually have a chance at graduating.

I didn't know studying could be this much work but it's still better than having to repeat senior year and graduating at the same time as my younger sister.

Nah, I probably wouldn't even graduate then, I'd keep on repeating senior year until the age of thirty.

But wanting to graduate also means that I have to start paying attention on school trips. I can't mess about and I can't just run off somewhere and then come back when it's time for us to leave.

I don't even know what the point of this trip is. We're at some ancient museum but I don't really pay attention. Scott tells me to just take notes but my hands get tired from writing and I get the dates and events muddled up because the tour guide is speaking too fast and I give up.

Scott sighs but he doesn't give me shit about how I should be trying harder, he knows that I really _am_ trying. 

"I'll let you copy mine later," he says as he puts his notebook into his backpack.

We've stopped at one of the benches outside the museum because we're supposed to be heading to another building to have our lunch now. Then we're coming back here for some workshops and then we can finally end this torture and head back to school.

"God, I'd prefer taking maths with Mr Dunbar over this dumb trip," I say as Scott and I trail behind the group.

"You would?" Scott asks me with a raised eyebrow.

"Nah," I admit and we laugh.

We walk on but we slow down a little and the group leaves us behind.

I don't mind it. Slowly walking with Scott by my side. For the first time in a long while, things are good for both of us. Not perfect, but good. 

We walk together with smiles on both of our faces, we don't say anything and we don't have to.

Scott knows about my mom. He didn't have to ask to be told, I told him because I trust him. She hasn't moved back in permanently but every day she keeps on spending more and more time at our house. I could get used to coming home to her homemade dinners.

Even dad has been trying to be better. He stills gives me that look whenever I do something that annoys him and I know that I'm on thin ice, he'll explode soon. But for now, he's trying to act like the perfect husband until he convinces mom to move back in.

Estella is convinced that she will. Me? I don't believe in fairytales. 

I look to my right and my good mood immediately disappears.

It feels like someone's twisting a knife into my stomach and I clench my jaw to remind myself that it shouldn't hurt. I'm ignoring him, not the other way around.

But what if I'm wrong? What if he's had enough, got tired of chasing after me? He stuck around longer than most people would have so I do have to give him props for that.

He's standing near some of the benches, camera in hand. He brings it up to his eyes and I watch him take some photos of the group in front of us.

Fucking look at me. 

Look. At. Me.

I put my hand inside my jacket pocket and I fumble around looking for the scrap of paper. 

I'm not wearing my varsity jacket, no I couldn't bring myself to put it on. So I'm wearing an old black one that I found in the back of my closet somewhere. I'm pretty sure it's Charlie's, I think I remember winning it over a game of cards but I'm a bit hazy on the details.

It's pathetic, really. I let my thumb brush over the edge of the piece of paper, it's already pretty worn out and soft from the many times that I've traced every letter and every edge with my fingers.

I do it to remind myself that he's not ignoring me, the note is proof of that. It has to be.

But it's been over two weeks since he returned my jacket and I haven't given him as much as a second of my attention. I wouldn't be surprised if he finally decided to let me go.

Good. Now I can go back to living my old life.

He wasn't on the same bus as Scott and I but I saw him and Alex getting on their bus at the same time. He sure does know how to pick his friends, one weirdo after another.

I turn my head to watch him walk around the museum building. He shouldn't be away from the group. He should know better than to walk off.

He could get lost or maybe he'd lose track of time and he wouldn't be back in time for the workshops.

Someone had to make sure that didn't happen. 

"I, erm," I say and I stop letting Scott carry on without me. He takes a few steps and then he turns his head to look at me. He gives me a confused look, one that says 'what are you doing' and to be completely honest, I have no fucking idea.

"I have to do...something," I say vaguely and Scott doesn't expect details. He knows that if I wanted to, I would tell him.

"Monty..." he sighs and shakes his head at me like he's disappointed. He obviously thinks I'm just going to bail on the whole trip, no I'm just making sure Winston doesn't miss out on those amazing workshops.

"I'll be back," I interrupt him quickly before he can say anything else. "Promise."

He doesn't look convinced as I take a step back. 

_"Go_ ," I tell him. He takes one last look at me, sighs and then he starts walking faster to rejoin the group.

And only when he's finally joined Diego in the group, I let myself exhale and I unclench my fist from around the scarp of paper.

*

This isn't me.

I'm not this person. 

It's not me walking up to this bus, it's not me wiping my sweaty hands on my jeans as I enter the bus and it's not my rapid heartbeat that I can feel in every inch of my body. 

God. All this because of one guy.

He doesn't notice me at first. He's rummaging around in a bag that's resting on one of the bus seats. His back is towards me and I cough because I can't stand this any longer.

"Alex, I said I was gon-" he starts as he turns around and then he stops abruptly. His eyes widen as he sees me standing there, blocking his only way out of the bus (he wouldn't pull the emergency exit, would he?).

None of us knows what to say. 

He presses his lips together and he lets his dark hair fall over his eyes. 

I thought I knew what I was going to say, I had it all planned out. But hearing him say Alex's name, it completely threw me off my game.

"Not Alex," I say quietly and I look around the bus as if I've never seen the inside of a bus before.

"Yeah, I can see that," Winston says slowly and he crosses his arms over his chest. 

And I'm glad that he doesn't ask me what I'm doing here because I wouldn't know what to say.

I suddenly feel the edge of his note brush past my thumb and I feel my throat go dry.

I swallow once and I take a deep breath before letting my eyes fall on him again. "I, erm, I think I owe you?"

He snorts and he looks away and out of the window. That's not the reaction I expected.

I hoped he'd maybe at least smile. But he's not smiling.

He brings his hands up to his face and he rubs them up and down his face. "Jesus, Monty," he says quietly and he still doesn't look at me when his arms drop by his sides. "Don't worry about it. Is that all?"

He sighs and he stuffs his hands into his pockets and I can't help but feel angry at him.

What does he mean 'don't worry about it', because worrying is all I've been doing lately.

I'm risking my reputation by just being on this bus with him, he could at least try to act like he's a bit happy to see me.

"The note. It-" I mumbled and I want to slap myself for being so pathetic. Speak up.

Winston actually laughs at me. Not the laugh I usually get out of him but it's a laugh all the same. I'll take it.

"I can take a hint," he tells me and he finally turns his head and looks me straight in the eyes. "I'm sorry for...you know. I won't bother you anymore. I'll leave you alone."

He gives me a small smile and then he turns to the bag again. He takes something out of it and he puts it into his pocket before zipping the bag back up and placing it under the bus seat.

This isn't how this was supposed to go.

He starts walking towards me, his camera no longer in his hands -he must have put it inside the bag. Just when I think he's going to barge past me to get out of the bus, he stops a few inches in front of me.

He looks sad, maybe even a bit disappointed. All I see to do is disappoint people nowadays.

"You're not wearing your jacket," he says as he lets his eyes travel down to my torso and then back up to meet my eyes.

I shrug. "It was stained."

It's not exactly a lie. Even though the stain is gone, I still remember where it used to be and the jacket seems to be a constant reminder of that night.

I can't tell him that I keep it hidden in my closet, away from the rest of my clothes so it doesn't lose its smell. Although it does keep getting fainter day after day. Soon it'll be gone entirely.

"I've got a new one now anyway," I say quickly and I do, I just choose not to wear it. Winston gives me a small nod and then he looks back towards the exit again. 

My eyes travel towards his lips now that I know he won't notice.

I wonder if he'd let me kiss him. Just one last time.

If he'd push me away or if he'd let me push my tongue inside his mouth.

I guess there's only one way to find out.

What have I got to lose anyway? We're alone here and no one's looking for us.

But I can't just pounce on him, I don't wanna scare him away. 

I've got to start off nice and slow.

"I like your hair like this," I say before I can stop myself. "It's nice."

Nice. 

_Nice?_

Definitely should have kept my mouth shut.

He automatically brings his hand up to his hair and he pushes it away from his face. His hair is a mess, the wind messed it up for him and he still somehow manages to look good.

I wonder what it would feel like to tangle my hands into his hair, pull him closer to me. Would he let me?

I suddenly realise that I'm staring. My eyes are burning into his and Winston quickly looks away with a blush appearing on his cheeks.

He would let me.

I know he would.

He's looking down at his feet and I reach out towards him with one hand. 

My fingertips brush past his hair and I gently push it behind his ear, my fingertips slightly grazing against the back of his ear.

He lets out a shaky breath and he looks up at me. His pupils are wide and he lets his teeth sink into his bottom lip. He knows exactly what he's doing when he takes a step forward.

God. 

I could fuck him right here in this bus and no one would ever know.

Just thinking about pushing into him while I pull on his hair makes my stomach drop and I have to remind myself to breathe.

I let my hand travel from behind his ear onto the back of his head and I tangle my fingers into his hair.

I don't think about the fact that he called me 'Alex' just a few moments ago or that told myself that I was just here to make sure he wasn't planning on running off somewhere. 

All that feels like it's part of another lifetime. Because right now, my fingers are gripping onto his dark hair, his hand is resting on my hip and I can feel his breath wash over my lips. And that's the only thing that seems to matter.

I tilt my head and I lean in slightly so that my lips are this close to brushing against his.

He laughs softly like he can't believe we're here again, just like nothing's changed. I feel his hot breath linger on my lips and all I can think about his kissing him.

I try to push his head towards me, that way he's the one who started the kiss, not me and I don't have to feel bad about it.

But he resists and pushes back against my hand.

" _You_ kiss _me_ ," he whispers and his voice is so low that I don't need to be told twice.

I practically push my lips onto his and he gasps. He starts kissing me back almost immediately, his mouth moving over mine like he wants me all to himself.

I bite down on his bottom lip, something I've been wanting to do for weeks and he opens up for me. I push my tongue into his mouth and I can feel him holding back a groan.

His hands press harder into my hips as I take a step forward and I push him up against one of the bus seats. 

He really would let me fuck him right here, right now. I'd fuck him over and over again until he was so worn out that he couldn't walk.

I wouldn't leave him. I'd pick him up and I'd carry him out of the bus. I know he'd like that

I could do that. But I won't.

He needs to learn that ignoring me isn't a good idea.

I pull away from him as he starts sucking on my lower lip. 

"You still planning on leaving me alone?" I ask him, remembering his words from before. He pauses and then he lets out a deep sigh.

"No. God no," he groans against my lips and he leans in again. His nose rubs against my cheek as he attacks my mouth with his.

I'm hard. I know I am. 

And it's not just because of him. It's my fault too. I need to stop thinking about all the different ways I could fuck him on his bus.

I feel his hands move from my hips onto the top of my trousers and he takes a hold of my belt and he tries to unbuckle it.

I grab his wrists with my free hand, the one that was holding onto the bus seat behind him, and I push his hands away from my belt.

He pulls away a little but his lips are still brushing against mine as he whispers, "But you're hard."

I swallow hards trying not to think about how much those words affect me. 

I lean in and I kiss his red swollen lips one last time before pulling away again.

He looks at me, his eyes are still dark and he's out of breath and he doesn't know where I'm going with this. That makes two of us.

"Don't ignore me," I say softly. I wanted to sound sure, confident so he'd know not to mess with me. But nevertheless, it seems to work and he nods before grabbing my shoulders with his hands and pulling me into a hug.

"I could never ignore you," he mumbles as he presses his lips into the crook of my neck.

His hair tickles the bottom of my chin and I let myself have a moment before I exhale and I hug him back pulling him tighter against my chest. 

And just for a split second, it feels like I have it all.


	6. 4320 Minutes

**Chapter Six**

Two days. 

Forty-eight hours.

Two hundred and eighty-eight minutes.

You get the idea.

I wonder how much longer I can go without seeing him. 

And by seeing him, I don't mean glancing at him in the hallways or making eye-contact with him when he walks past me in the cafeteria. No, I need to _see_ him, be able to talk to him without feeling like someone might take one look at us and think I'm a faggot.

I'm not.

I didn't take anything in from the workshops, I was too busy eye-fucking Winston from across the room.

Seeing him standing next to Alex didn't really bother me anymore, Alex wasn't the one getting to kiss him when no one was looking.

I got this rush just thinking about it, he was mine. No one else's.

But turns out the workshops are actually a big part of our homework and without my notes, I am quite literally fucked.

So instead of playing video games with Charlie and Scott, I'm sat at Charlie's dining table with notes spread out all over the table.

Sure, Scott could let me photocopy his notes but he says that then I won't learn my lesson. Whatever that means.

I didn't argue with him, I was lucky that he even _let_ me copy his notes. 

The dining room in Charlie's house is separated from the living room with an arched doorway with no proper door. I could fit my entire house into just these two rooms.

I lean back in my chair and I try to look into the living room through the opening in the wall. I can't see the score that's on the TV screen but I can guarantee that Charlie is losing.

They're sitting on the couch and I can see the back of their heads. Well, I can see Charlie's whole neck while there's just a bit of Scott's head peaking out from behind the couch. 

"I don't hear the sound of pen on paper!" Scott shouts from the couch without turning around. They pause the game and I see Scott reach over to the table for a beer can.

I frown trying to figure out how he knows and then I notice the giant mirror above Charlie's TV.

"Fuck you," I shout back. "I'm tryna decode those scribbles of yours."

Scott chuckles and Charlie laughs happy that he's not the one getting picked on for once. 

I get back to work, though and I try to focus on absorbing the information while I write it so maybe then I won't have to read them again. 

It wasn't easy seeing him in school after that. I really should have thought about the fact that I'd have to see his face in school every day.

But would it really have changed anything? I doubt it.

There are so many things going through my mind, one of them being the football game tomorrow, I've given up trying to remember the notes while I write.

We can't afford to lose the game tomorrow.

Justin's already cost us one game this season and if the coach doesn't bench him for this game then we're going to be fucked.

But of course, Zach sticks up for him every time, still don't understand how they made this guy captain.

"Wow, you're really serious about this 'studying' thing," Scott comments.

I look up from my notes. I'm almost halfway done and even though I don't seem to have taken a word of them in, at least I'll have the notes if I need them.

Scott's leaning against the open doorway to the dining room and looking at me with a grin. 

"What?" I ask. I drop my pen on the table and I lean back in the chair trying to look like I couldn't care less about my stupid grades. Wouldn't want Scott to start getting suspicious now, would we?

"Nothing," Scott says with a smirk on his face and he shakes his head lightly. "You just seem...different."

Yeah, fucking a guy changes you.

I can feel my lips curling into a smile but I quickly press them together. "Dunno what you're talking about." 

Is it really that obvious? I should probably start hanging out with girls so people don't start getting any ideas.

"I heard your mom was thinking about moving in."

Or maybe not. Scott really has no idea what's going on right under his nose and I smile to myself.

"See! I told you it would all work out in the end!" Scott says excitedly and I don't wanna burst his bubble so I play along.

I play along most of the time now, the only time I don't have to pretend is when I'm with _him._

"Yeah, I think she might be," I say as Scott pulls out a chair from the dining table and he sits down, resting his elbows on the backing. He's like a little child waiting to hear his favourite bedtime story. Because that's all this is, a fairytale. It's not real.

"Wait how do you know?" I ask and then I see a furtive look on Scott's face but then it melts away.

"Estella," he says casually with a small shrug. "She keeps me updated, unlike her big bro."

I roll my eyes at his words and Scott breaks into another wide grin again. 

"I'm glad things are working out for you guys."

It's refreshing not having to worry about your dad smashing a beer bottle over your head the minute you get home.

But it's all just an act.

Sooner or later, the curtain is going to drop and dear old dad will go back to his old ways.

And I'm sure that I'll be the reason why.

***

Everything was going so well.

So _fucking_ well.

"You can't let him play!" I shout.

The game starts soon, we're supposed to go warm up in a few minutes and we're still in the locker room arguing about whether or not Justin should be allowed to play.

" _I'm_ the coach. _I_ decide who's going to play and who isn't."

He looks around the locker room to make sure that everyone understands what he's saying and then his eyes rest on me again. He's going to let Justin play.

"But-" I start but the coach cuts me off.

"One more word from you and I'll reconsider letting _you_ play," he says and he points a finger in my direction. "Understood?"

I know that he's bluffing. Everyone knows that this team needs me. But I can't believe he's choosing Foley over me.

Fucking druggie.

I know Charlie's not gonna stand with me, he's friends with the guy. Zach's the captain and he's not only going to protect Justin but he's also gonna agree with the coach.

The only guy who looks like he's 100% standing with me is Diego. Fuck everyone else.

"Monty-" Zach tries to say, he reaches out towards me but I step away like I've been burned.

"Don't fucking touch me," I spit at him. "This is so _fucking_ unfair."

The coach shouts after me as I barge past everyone and I run out of the locker room.

I hear him say something about us needing to be on the field soon, Zach shouts to tell me to stop being childish and then just as I'm about to walk through the door leading out of the corridor, I hear shouting erupt from the locker room.

Good. 

If we lose this game it's all going to be Justin's fault and then maybe the coach will finally drop him from the squad.

They'll see that I was right all along.

I walk around the empty school building until I reach the exit doors. 

The empty silent hallways are quite comforting and I feel my heart rate slow down once I'm out of the building.

No one goes after me as I walk out and I head for the parking lot.

Fuck. I wish Scott was here. 

He's probably sitting in the bleachers with no idea what's going on. He never should have left the team.

I know he wanted to focus more on baseball and graduating this year but he didn't _have_ to leave the team.

Fuck Scott for leaving me.

I rub my face with my hands to try to calm myself down as I keep walking and when I look back up, I see Winston's car and a figure standing close to it. 

I stop dead in my tracks. He never comes to football games, this is a first.

I suddenly forget about everything that happened in the locker room. Who cares what they all think? I could tell Winston what happened and he'd tell me I'm right no matter what.

The car door is open and I see him taking something out from the front seat. A camera. He grabs the strap around it and he places it around his neck.

I still don't say anything but I take a few steps towards him.

My mind immediately wanders to that day on the bus when I approached him in a similar way.

He closes the car door and he slowly turns around to see me staring at him. 

"Monty!" he says as his eyes land on mine and he laughs nervously. He takes a second to compose himself and I offer him a small smile.

I don't really feel like smiling but for him, I will.

He grins and he looks down at the ground. We're in front of the school, anyone could see us right now and I wish I could say that I don't care, but I'm already making up excuses in my head for why I'm talking to him.

"What are you doing here?" I ask trying to act as neutral as possible. If one of the guys were to come get me and drag me back towards the field, they'd just see me talking to some random guy in the parking lot. No big deal. "You're not even into football."

And I know that because I've tried to get him to watch sports with me but he got bored and started distracting me. 

Winstons licks his bottom lip with the tip of his tongue and then he locks eyes with me. "No, but I am into _you_."

My stomach drops and I start to panic. 

Fuck, anyone could have heard that.

But that's okay. Winston's a fag, people expect him to act like this. 

He's probably hit on straight people before, I should just walk away now and it wouldn't look like anything to a bystander.

I look back towards the school entrance. Nothing. No one's coming to get me. I should probably head back now. 

Winston's waiting for me to say something and when I don't he looks embarrassed and he quickly looks away. "Sorry, I er..."

But I understand where he's coming from. We haven't seen each other in over three days and now we're here. 

But both of us have things to do, places to go and thinking about blowing all of that off for him is very appealing.

Nah I couldn't do that not to the team. They need me.

I need to go back in there and show them that they need me. Show them how utter bullshit it is to let Justin Foley play.

"Tyler was busy, so I volunteered to fill in for him," Winston now says plainly and he points towards the camera around his neck. "Shouldn't you be like, with the team now?"

"Probably," I say casually and I shrug. 

His lips part slightly and he looks like he's about to tell me that I should be going inside but I take one step towards him and his mouth closes.

"What are you...what are you doing after?" I ask and I have to swallow straight after because my throat feels dry.

Winston smiles slightly like he knows exactly where I'm going with this. "Nothing, I guess. You?"

"Nothing."

"...Cool."

"Yeah."

Winstons chuckles softly and he looks down at his feet. God. Three days. That's how long I was able to stay away from him.

I'm waiting for him to ask me to hang out after the game and he knows that I am. He smirks to himself and then he sighs. 

I don't understand what he's waiting for. Does he want me to work for it? Because I will if I have to.

My eyebrows furrow and he notices. "My, uh, my parents are home."

He licks his lips again. 

Fuck. Those goddamn lips. 

"Oh," I say simply because I have no idea what else to say. My brain isn't really functioning properly because all I can think about are those lips of his. 

Three fucking days.

And counting.

"We could do something else though?" Winston suggests and I see a sparkle in his eye. This is what he wanted. He was never going to invite me over to his house. He's got me exactly where he wants me and I feel dizzy just looking at his lips.

I could say no. But that's not what I wanna do.

Three whole days of passing him in the hallways and not being able to look at him was punishment enough, I think I deserve this.

"I pick the place," I say quickly before I get the chance to get my mind and I see Winston's eyes widen.

I never pick the place. Winston always plans where we're going to go and what we're going to do and I just adapt. This is new to him.

"Okay," he says with a wide grin on his face and, God, do I love that grin.

I push my hair back with one hand and I start backing away from him. I take a few more steps back while facing him and he laughs at me.

"Go before you get kicked off the team!" he shouts and I turn around to walk back towards the building. Only when my back is turned on him do I let myself smile. 

He has no idea how much he affects me and I don't want him to know.

I shake my head to myself as I reach the front door and I laugh quietly for no clear reason, just because I feel like I need to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i know this chapter is really bad but im having a really bad day for some reason and i could barely concentrate on writing :(  
> i promise to make up for it and again im sorry


	7. Puzzle Pieces

**Chapter Seven**

I wake up to the feeling of Charlie being pressed against my back.

I'm kind of laying on my side and on my stomach at the same time. Charlie's arms are wrapped around my middle, his body practically laying on top of me and squashing me into the bed while his head is resting on the back of my shoulder.

I can't breathe.

I roll my shoulder back to try to shake him off but he grunts in protest and holds me even tighter.

If he wasn't my friend, I would have already punched him in about seven different ways.

My memory of last night resembles a puzzle, I have all the pieces (most of them anyways) but it may take some time for me to put them together to get the whole picture.

I remember the game last night, that's the only thing I'm one hundred per cent sure of, we won the game.

I briefly remember winking at Justin as he stood up from the bench and I watched him drag his sorry ass back to the locker room. Then I think I remember Diego and me picking Charlie up and carrying him on our shoulders.

Charlie snuggles his nose further into my shoulder and my heart drops. I've only ever let Winston do that before...I really don't want to think about him and what I did.

The other team were pissed off at us for losing. I recall a tall lanky guy with hair tied into a high ponytail coming up to me after the game. He called me a fag even though he looked more like one than I did. I could fucking snap him in half if they had let me.

But Diego wouldn't let go of my arm and Scott was already rushing from the bleachers to stand between me and ponytail man.

They could have at least let me punch the fucking bastard, that would show him how fucking gay I am.

I don't realise how tense my shoulders have gotten until I feel Charlie's forehead brush past them again. I should really push him off of me now.

At first, I have no idea where I am, but once I manage to wiggle out of Charlie's grasp, I sit up and I realise that we're in Charlie's bedroom. And I'm in Charlie's bed.

We're all wearing the clothes we wore to the party last night but I can't find my varsity jacket. Fuck, if I lost the new one...

I look around the room, Scott is curled up on an armchair standing opposite the bed, a blue varsity jacket covering his shoulders like a blanket. Looking at him reminds me that he vomited last night, he said he couldn't go home looking this wasted and Charlie offered to let him sleep over. And then I just tagged along because why not.

Diego didn't come with us, pretty sure he had his eye on one of the girls that invited us to the party in the first place.

I get off the bed trying my best not to wake Charlie up.

I have to tiptoe past the empty and maybe not empty beer cans as I walk to Scott.

I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and my hair looks like a mess. It's all over the place and I raise my hands to try to smooth it back into place.

It doesn't work and I give up and let my hair do whatever it wants.

I bend forward to grab my jacket from Scott, I know it's mine because it looks new. But as soon as I pick it up, I notice that the jacket sleeve has some dried up vomit on it and I drop it back onto Scott's body.

And that's another jacket ruined.

The sleeve touches his face and he begins to stir. "What time is it," he asks in a raspy voice and he starts to stretch, moving to lay down on his back instead.

"No idea," I shrug after briefly looking around Charlie's room. There are no clocks anywhere and our phones are nowhere to be seen.

I look back at Scott trying to get comfortable in the small armchair, I would have never been able to fall asleep on that but Scott was too out of it to care where we put him.

"Have you seen my phone anywhere?" I ask even though I know he probably hasn't. He just woke up and he was asleep before we even reached Charlie's front door last night.

Scott just shakes his head and then he settles back to sleep.

Great.

I try not to think too much about last night as I look for my phone.

I know I let Winston down. I don't need to be reminded of it.

But after that guy called me a fag... And then those girls invited us to their house for the after-party... It just seemed like the perfect opportunity for me to prove that dickhead wrong.

I'm sure he'll understand once I explain it to him.

I pick a wet towel up from the floor and then I drop it right back, it sticks of vomit.

I don't really remember anything after we got to Charlie's house. I must have fallen asleep after we finished drinking the leftover beer cans and looks like Scott was taking care of himself.

I really hope this wasn't Charlie's favourite towel or anything, it belongs in the trash now.

Charlie's duvet is on the floor, I know we kicked it off the bed because it was too warm, that I remember doing.

I pick the duvet up and immediately my phone falls out and lands onto the floor.

"Shit," I swear under my breath.

I throw the duvet back into the bed and it lands on Charlie but he doesn't move, that boy could sleep through an earthquake.

Luckily, the phone screen isn't broken. I press the power on button and the phone is on it's last few percentages but it still works.

I look through the photos from last night: a picture of me with 2 blonde girls, a picture of me and Scott, a picture of me with my tongue down some girl's throat...you get the idea.

I suddenly get a large number of messages from an unknown number, all flooding in at the same time as my phone just turned back on.

I know the number, I've just never saved it. We were always cautious about texting in case my dad randomly tried to look through my phone again.

I texted Winston the address of where I wanted to take him at halftime when we went back into the locker room.

He was to leave before me and then I'd follow and we'd meet up there, after the game. It would be too risky for us to go at the same time.

The address is the last text message I sent him.

The rest of the conversation is texts from Winston:

_I can't wait to see you_

_You coming?_

_Where are you?_

_You were supposed to be here an hour ago_

_Are you okay?_

_Did something come up?_

He asks me if I'm okay a few more times and then he asks why I'm not answering my phone. I don't remember anyone calling me last night.

And then the messages stop.

I look at the time of each text message.

Almost two hours.

He waited for me for almost two hours.

Fuck.

I click on the telephone icon in the top corner as I make my way towards Charlie's bathroom.

I press the phone against my ear and I listen to the ringing as I make sure to lock the door.

Charlie's bathroom is pretty large and I have plenty of room to pace around. 

  
I bring one hand up to my hair and I start twisting strands of hair around my fingers.

_"It's Winston, leave a-"_

"Fuck," I swear again. I hang up and I call again. It's way past eleven, he should be up by now so why isn't he answering my call?

I know why. Deep down, I know.

I made him wait two fucking hours for me. I imagine him standing on the pier in the cold, waiting for me but I never show up. So he gets back in his car and leaves and he regrets ever meeting me.

I fucked up.

_"It's Winston lea-"_

I can't listen to his voice and I quickly hang up.

I feel a burning sensation in my stomach and it slowly travels up my spine and towards my mouth.

My mouth starts to water and then before I know it, I'm leaning over the toilet bowl and puking out what looks like remains of last night's fun.

***

"I don't think he should be driving," Charlie says to Scott as if I'm not even in the room.

But I am. And I should be somewhere else.

I don't want to be standing in Charlie's living room, I have somewhere I need to be and I feel sober enough to drive.

I lean against the wall as I try to put my shoe on but it keeps getting stuck at the heel.

Scott is sitting on the sofa with his arms crossed, watching me like he expects me to lose it at any moment and I know he's prepared to calm me down when it happens.

But I won't be calm until I can speak to Winston. He needs to know why I did what I did. I'll know he'll understand.

I know that I drove to the girls' house for the party. I remember Diego yelling "Come on Monty, don't be a cock block, give us a ride," and Charlie laughing at him.

But they convinced me and I dropped everything for that stupid party.

I think Charlie drove us back to his house. He wasn't completely sober but he wasn't as wasted as me or Scott. Charlie doesn't even have his driving license yet, we took a big risk letting him drive last night but you don't really realise when you're in the moment.

Either way, my car is parked in front of Charlie's house.

I finally manage to squeeze my foot into the shoe and I bend down to tie my laces.

"Why are you in such a hurry anyway?" Scott asks with one raised eyebrow. And I hate him. At that moment, I hate him.

Why does he question everything I do. He could just let me go without saying anything but no, he opened his mouth and now even Charlie is waiting for an explanation.

I keep my eyes on my fingers as I tie my laces and then I do the same with the other shoe. "I promised someone...something."

"Wow," Scott says sarcastically. "Don't strain yourself trying to remember the details."

I glare at him as I stand back up, my laces now tied. Fortunately, Charlie manages to save me.

"That Natalie girl?" Charlie asks excitedly and he exchanges looks with Scott. They both have giant grins on their faces now. "Fuck, _lucky_. She was all over you last night though so I can't say I'm surprised."

He's the straightest fag I've ever met.

"Natalie?"

I don't remember what any of the girls from last night look like, so what makes him think I'd remember their names.

"The one that blew you in the bathroom?" Charlie offers and I don't even wanna know how he knows about that. Let's hope to God I told him.

But it helps because the memories start coming back to me and her face forms before my eyes.

Dark wavy hair that reached all the way down to her waist, hazel eyes framed by long dark eyelashes and a cute button nose.

Almost reminds me of someone.

I remember fisting her hair as she took me in her mouth but her hair was too thin and not curly enough. I remember her hazel eyes looking up at me from behind the long lashes as she kisses the head of my cock like her life depended on it.

But it just wasn't the same.

I had to shut my eyes and think about _him_ while I fucked her mouth in order to get off. I hated how it made me feel after, felt so fucking dirty and I can feel my face heating up at the memory.

I really need to apologize to him.

"Right," I say trying to remain calm. "Natalie."

With shaking hands, I reach for the jacket that's on the couch. It's one of Charlie's but I'm borrowing it until my jacket is vomit free.

Charlie doesn't seem to notice that my hands are trembling as I throw his jacket on. He's too busy thinking about Natalie blowing me in the bathroom. He probably gets off on thinking about me getting head.

But I don't care. He gave me the perfect cover and I couldn't be more grateful. He could jerk off thinking about me all he wants.

"You okay?" Scott asks and I swear it takes every muscle in my body not to snap at him. "You look a bit...flushed."

I just need them to back off, just for today.

"Yeah, I...you know. Just thinking about Natalie," I say and I raise my eyebrows suggestively.

Play along, Monty. Play along.

That seems to be good enough for them and they let me go but not before making a few more comments themselves.

***

He's not surprised to see me at his doorstep.

I parked my car in a supermarket parking lot and then I had to walk over to his house for another fifteen minutes because I took the long way around. You can never be too careful.

He lets the door swing open and he takes a step back inside like he already knows that I'm going to follow him.

I can't read his expression. He doesn't look angry or upset or happy to see that I'm alive. He just looks...tired.

His hair is messy like he's been tossing and turning all night and he hasn't had a chance to brush it yet and the dark circles under his eyes just make it so obvious that he hasn't slept a wink.

He doesn't say a word as he makes his way towards the living room with me trailing behind him like a lost puppy.

The house looks just like I remember it. Two dark grey couches standing adjacent to each other and a wooden coffee table in between. The shelves around the room are filled with green plants and family photos. My favourite one is the one of Winston on his eighth birthday.

"Your parents?" I ask as he settles himself down on the couch, placing his legs on the armrest.

He's facing me and he reaches for one of the cushions on the other couch before he places it behind his back.

"Out," he says simply and I still can't read him.

There's no clear emotion in his voice or his eyes. But I do know that he's not happy to see me.

Seeing him like this... I just wanna wrap my arms around him and tell him to go to sleep. It's ironic really, I'm probably the reason he couldn't sleep in the first place.

"I waited, you know," he says suddenly throwing me off guard because I wasn't expecting him to just jump right into it. But alright, if that's how he wants to do it.

"There was a party," I say and I do realise that it's not a good excuse, but it is an excuse. "They would have known something was up if I blew them off."

Winston's fingers are intertwined together and his hands are resting on his stomach as he watches me. He doesn't raise an eyebrow, doesn't sigh, just waits.

"You can't expect me to just drop everything for you," I continue and I take a few steps forwards. I rest my hands on the backing of the couch adjacent to him.

I know I'm being unfair, but that's the point, I just want some kind of reaction from me.

He can get mad at me, I'll apologize and then we'll go back to doing what we do best.

Fucking.

Actually, I should probably let him sleep first, he looks so fucking exhausted.

"I didn't even deserve a text?" Winston asks now voice slightly raised. We're going in the right direction. "A 'hey Winston I can't make it. Don't wait up'."

His eyebrows furrow and he's frowning at me. At least now I know that he's angry.

"I was driving," I say and I rub the right side of my face with my hand, I'm still not sure I'm fully sober or awake. Maybe this is just a dream. A really bad one.

"Right," Winston says roughly and his eyes are staring right into me. I see his eyes soften then and he looks away.

No. This is not good.

He's supposed to be angry at me. He's not supposed to be sad.

"I fucking waited, Monty," he mumbles and he covers his face with his hands. "God, I fucking waited there like an idiot. And then when you didn't show up...I thought maybe you got into an accident. I just sat there and I kept imagining you sitting in your crashed car, in the middle of nowhere with blood pouring down your face."

I gulp hard and I have to look away as he lets his hands drop away from his face.

I can't look at him. I fucking hurt him. I know I've hurt him and it makes me feel sick just thinking about it.

"I...I didn't think..." I trail off and Winston sighs. The disappointed sigh, again.

"Yeah. You never do," he says under his breath, so quietly I almost don't catch it.

"Do you have any idea what it felt like?" he continues and I force myself to look at him. "Just sitting there... Not knowing. I just wanted you to be okay." He pauses. He turns his head to the side and then he lets out a small chuckle. "And then I find out you're at a party. Of all places. Diego posted stuff on his Instagram."

Fucking Diego.

He sighs again and he waits.

What can I say? I don't know how to make it right, not this time. 

There's a limit on how many times you can say 'sorry' before it starts to just be a meaningless word.

"Where does that leave us?" I ask quietly.

Us. Such a simple word. Makes you think there could actually be an 'us' but in reality, it just gives you false hope.

Winston shrugs and my heart sinks. He usually knows what the right thing to say is, he can usually make it all better with just a few words.

"I don't know," he admits and this time it's my turn to look away. "I just...I thought I knew you. Maybe. But you somehow manage to make me question everything I _think_ I know about you. And right now it feels like I'm looking at a stranger."

Four weeks. That's how much time we spent together during the summer.

We didn't spend every second of every day together but it sure felt like it, always counting down the seconds until we got to see each other again.

Four weeks wasted just like that.

Four fucking weeks suddenly mean nothing to him. Not a fucking thing.

'You _do_ know me!' I want to say. 'Just tell me what I can do to make it right again.'

I don't say either of those things, I'm not that desperate or pathetic. Instead, I scratch my head and I step away from the couch.

"You should sleep," I tell him as I slowly back away from him. He's confused, I guess I didn't react the way he wanted me to.

"Monty..." he says but not because he has something to say. He's just stalling, hoping that I'll stick around and maybe, if we stay here long enough, I'll know what the right thing to say is and then we'll be okay.

But I'm at the door now and he's only just started to sit up.

Too late.

"Sleep. Really," I tell him as I steal one last glance at him. "You look like shit."

The words sting more than I intended them to but maybe it's for the better.

Maybe he'll finally learn his lesson. Montgomery de la Cruz doesn't do feelings. Especially not for fags like him.


	8. Conversations About the Weather

**Chapter Eight**

Monday is not going well.

First, I accidentally locked part of my flannel shirt in my locker and the door jammed and Scott and Charlie spent about five minutes trying to get me out while everyone who passed us laughed. Then, Charlie gave me my jacket back, vomit free but slightly shrunk. And now I find out I'm supposed to be having an English test after lunch.

Scott tells me we were supposed to read this book and write some dumb essay on it, fortunately, that's not due in till next Monday. Right now, I'm only worried about knowing enough about the book to pass the test, who knows what kind of questions Miss Lawrence came up with.

Normally, I wouldn't care about some English test that probably means nothing. But mom has officially moved in yesterday and she's already taking the 'caring parent' role too seriously. She knows that I'm currently failing Chemistry and that I'm on the verge of failing Maths, she brought it up at breakfast and I could just see dad trying to control himself not to launch the dining table at my head.

So we're skipping lunch and we're sitting in the library trying to study for this dumb test.

Scott is supposed to be here with us but he fucked off to get us something to eat a few minutes ago so now it's just Charlie and me and Charlie doesn't even need to take the test, not being in the same grade as me and all.

But Charlie is the one reading the book, occasionally glancing up at me with this weird look in his eyes like he wants to ask me something but he's worried about how I'll react.

I'm reading summaries of the book on my phone, it's much easier than reading the whole book and I can remember the names of almost every character. Should be enough to at least pass the test.

God, I'm so fucking hungry. What the hell is taking Scott so long?

Charlie looks up at me for the hundredth time and it's starting to irritate me. He's supposed to read the book and summarise the chapters for me. We've only got fifteen minutes of lunch left and we barely managed to get through the first chapter.

"What?" I groan and I put my phone down on the table. I'll use any excuse to stop reading, my eyes are starting to sting. Charlie looks away and I get it, he'd rather be anywhere but here. " _Fine_ , skim read. I don't need to know every single detail."

Charlie shakes his head nervously and he clears his throat. "No, it's not that. It's..." He puts the book down on the table in between us and sighs. "I mean, let's be honest, I could read a page per second and we still wouldn't get through the remaining eleven chapters."

I frown as I try to figure out what he means. "Are you...telling me to give up?"

I lean forward in my chair and Charlie quickly looks away. I never would have thought Charlie would be the one to give up on me. Scott? Maybe, I mean he's had to deal with so much of my bullshit that at this point I'm just counting down the days until he snaps at me. 

But Charlie? He's not supposed to challenge me, he's supposed to be my friend and help me.

"Do you remember... _everything_ that happened on Friday?" he asks, an attempt to change the subject. But fine, I'd love to talk about anything other than that wretched book.

I shrug. "Kinda. I mean...not _everything_ everything. But I remember enough, you know?"

Charlie looks uncomfortable like he regrets bringing it up but he's got my attention now and I wanna know where he's going with this.

"Why are you asking?"

Charlie runs a hand through his hair and he exhales deeply. "You just said something to me on Friday. And I haven't really been able to stop thinking about it."

I raise an eyebrow. What could I have possibly said that made Charlie so uneasy and uncomfortable. Charlie, the guy who saw me with vomit dripping down my chin. More than once. I've done and said some pretty gross things with Charlie around, what could I have possibly said that would make him this uncomfortable?

"You were telling me about Natalie and how she blew you," Charlie says and I scoff. Was I too graphic? Did I make him uncomfortable? 

"...Okay?"

"And then you said something..." Charlie says quietly. He clears his throat and he sits up straighter looking me directly in the eyes. "You said it didn't feel as good as when...as when a guy-"

"Shut up," I say cutting him clean off. I loom around the library, no one seems to be paying any attention to us. "Shut the _fuck_ up."

Charlie looks taken back. Knowing that some guys suck dick shouldn't gross him out, he should be used to it.

"I-We were all out of it on Friday," I ramble on trying to drown Charlie's words out. "I was probably just trying to make a joke. About you being a fag or something."

Charlie doesn't look like he believes a word I'm saying but he nods all the same. "Right," he says and he forces a laugh. "Yeah, of course."

Letting _one_ guy blow me doesn't make me gay. Winstons looks like a girl anyway so it's not like it counts. 

It's not like I'm into guys in general, it's just one guy. 

And it's over between us now. There's no point thinking about it, I can go back to fucking girls now.

***

"First _Chemistry_ , then _Maths_ and now English _too?"_

"I know. I'm sorry," I mumble because there's nothing else I can say. "I'm trying my best."

"Monty...your teacher said you answered one question. _One_. How is that 'trying your best'?" my mom says. 

She's really taking this all too seriously, but I'd rather have her scream at me for a few minutes than for my dad to start giving me lectures about how much he's sacrificed for this family.

I practically know his whole life story by now from the number of times he's had to lecture me.

I sit at the dining table, arms crossed on the table, my chin resting on top. 

Okay so I may have only answered one question, but I was still trying my best. It's not my fault that the questions on the test were so complicated.

"She said you didn't even get the name of the main character right," my mum now says and I roll my eyes.

I had bigger things to worry about than some fictional guy who goes around feeling sorry for himself 24/7. 

Charlie might be suspecting something but he doesn't really know anything. At least not for definite.

I know that my mom is tired, she must have forgotten what it was like to be part of this family. Everyone is worn out and stressed from keeping the act on for so long. They're all trying so _hard_ to make it work and here I am, ruining everything.

"When your dad finds out-" she says quietly and she shakes her head at me.

"Well he won't, will he?" I spit out. "Not unless you tell him."

I don't say it but she understands what I'm trying to say: the minute she tells him, she'll be responsible for destroying the 'perfect family' act.

I raise my eyebrows at her and she sighs, she's got no more arguments left.

She finally lets me go up to my room after a lecture on how I should try harder. I didn't take a word of it in.

I shut the door behind me with a loud bang so she knows that I don't give a shit about whatever she has to say. She's not my mom, she hasn't been for a long time.

My room is a mess. But not the 'broken furniture all over the place' kind of mess, it's the 'I'm too busy to even think about cleaning up' kid of mess. 

The new desk that my dad bought me as an apology for smashing the bottle over my head is now littered with homework that's never gonna get done but I briefly glance at it and I don't look back as I head over to my bed.

I leave the bed a mess in the mornings but when I come back, it's always neatly made. I guess that's one positive of mom being back.

My hand subconsciously reaches under the pillow to seek the comforting feel of the varsity jacket. I find nothing.

I frown. I haven't moved it anywhere, it's stayed hidden under my pillow for days. 

I'm sitting up now. I lift both of my pillows but the jacket isn't there either.

Fuck.

Maybe it slipped down a little?

I'm on my feet, throwing the duvet off my bed, patting down the whole mattress but I find nothing.

The jacket is gone. 

I've not only lost him, but I've also lost the one thing that reminds me of him.

I start to panic and I start to think of the last time I saw it.

This morning before I left for school, I'm sure it was still there, under the pillow. 

I look around the room in a desperate attempt to look for any clues about where it could be. My eyes land on a flash of blue under the desk and I focus on it. 

I grab the chair from under the desk and I pull it back and there it is. My jacket. Neatly folded up like it's been washed.

No, she wouldn't.

But she would. 

I bring it up to my face and when I inhale, all I can smell is lavender washing powder.

And that's it. That's the end.

Gone.

I can't make a big fuss about mom washing what she thought was a dirty varsity jacket. I can't admit that she's destroyed the only thing that was keeping me sane.

***

Miss Lawrence seems to have taken an interest in me ever since she ratted me out to my mom.

She's a thin, blonde woman with glasses that have to be pushed up every five seconds because they seem to be too large for her face. She looks not much older than me, she could easily pass for a highschooler.

Which is why when she asks me to stay back after class, all the other guys start making faces behind her back. 

She asks me if I need any help with my essays assignment, how I find the book and if I'm getting enough sleep.

No, I'm doing fine with the assignment (haven't even started it yet) and the book is fine (not a lie even though the main character is an asshole). As for the sleep part...I nod my head but the dark circles under my eyes give me away. 

First night sleeping without the jacket under my pillow. I tried to convince myself that it was still the same jacket, it just smelled a bit different but that didn't really help.

I blame him for making me so soft and pathetic.

She tries to get me to talk to her about the book but I show no interest and I keep on glancing at the clock and she finally gets the hint and lets me go.

I hope to God Scott didn't leave without me.

No, when I run down the stairs, I see him standing by my locker talking to a brunette girl. By the time I reach him, the girl is long gone.

"Who was that?" I ask and I grin at him. He doesn't bother asking where I was and he grins back as we head out towards the exit doors.

So looks like he's finally getting over his ex and I couldn't be happier. I can't remember the last time I saw him show some genuine interest in a girl. I was starting to think he might be gay after all.

"Your homecoming date," Scott says sounding amused as we push the door open and we step outside.

I frown in confusion. "What?"

"Natalie," Scott says. "She was waiting for you by your locker when I came. She wanted to know if you had a date for homecoming yet."

Was is it with people blowing me once and then getting attached?

I don't say anything. Homecoming? I haven't given that much thought, to be completely honest I wasn't even planning on going.

"Don't worry," Scott says throwing an arm over my shoulder like he's proud of himself for acting as my wingman. "All you need to worry about is what you're gonna wear. I sorted everything out, you just gotta remember to pick her up at eight."

I still don't say anything. But maybe this could be a good thing.

People would see me with a girl and any suspicious they have about me would just go away. 

It seems like the perfect plan.

But Scott is still waiting for a response and he slowly stops smiling. "What? Did I do something w-"

"Shut up," I tell him and I grin at him. This could work. Maybe I just need to find the right girl and everything else will just fall into place from there. It wouldn't hurt to try. "I'll pick her up at eight."

Scott laughs with ease and his hand moved from my shoulder to the top of my head and he ruffles my hair with one hand. "That's my boy."

"Fuck off," I say and I push him off of me and we end up laughing the whole way we walk to my car.

***

I seem to be able to concentrate easier in Miss Lawrence's classroom than in my own bedroom. 

The coach gave us strict orders to go straight home and relax before the homecoming game tomorrow but even if I did go home, I wouldn't have been able to relax.

Not around my dad.

I came downstairs this morning to find my mom making pancakes in the kitchen, a fresh bruise forming on her right cheek. 

"The cupboard door was open and I walked into it, silly me," she told me with a strained laugh at the end as I sat down at the table.

Both of us knew that it was a lie but I just nodded and I ate my breakfast in silence while Estella was still upstairs getting dressed for school.

Miss Lawrence occasionally looks up at me to check how I'm doing.

I'm slowly getting the hang of this book. It could actually be interesting if I didn't have to write an essay about it.

I manage to finish two chapters and then I look up at the clock, I stand up and I pack the book into my backpack. I silently thank Miss Lawrence for letting me stay with a nod as I'm walking out and she gives me a beaming smile.

If she wasn't a teacher, I would be sure that she was trying to flirt with me. I don't blame her though.

I stop by the toilets on my out of the building. Everything is still and quiet as I rinse the soap off of my hands with warm water.

Turns out I'm not safe even when the school is empty.

The door to the toilet squeaks open and he steps inside. I look up but once I see who it is, I sharply turn away.

He must be staying back to do some extra stuff too. 

He doesn't go towards the urinals, he heads straight for the sink and he turns the tap on.

My hands are clean now and I should be heading for the door.

I slightly turn my head and I glance at his hands, it looks like he's spilt black ink all over himself. He scrubs his hands together but the ink doesn't seem to wear off and he takes a large amount of soap into his hands.

"Got a date to homecoming?" I ask surprising both him and myself as I reach for the paper towels.

His head turns sharply towards me and he raises his eyebrows. "Huh?"

His hands are now red from the boiling water pouring onto them but the ink remains where it is.

"Homecoming," I say casually like it's the weather that we're talking about. "You got a date?"

His lips slowly curl upwards and my stomach flutters as I watch his tongue nervously swipe over his bottom lip. "Are you asking me to be your date to homecoming?"

And what would that say about me, coming to homecoming with a fag?

I snort and his smile disappears as I blink. 

"Right," he says coldly and he turns his attention towards scrubbing his hands again. "No, I was actually planning on staying home. Dances aren't really my thing."

I nod like I actually give a shit, I don't. 

I should have kept my mouth shut, silence would have been less awkward than this.

My hands are completely dry now, there's no point in staying any longer than I need to.

I throw the paper towel into the bin and I turn towards the door.

"What about you?" Winston calls and I stop in my tracks. "Have _you_ got a date?"

He sounds somewhat annoyed but I ignore it. "Yeah," I say and I try to tell myself that this is just like if one of the guys asked me about my date. Guys talk about those things, there's no need to overthink it. 

"Natalie," I say trying the word out on my tongue like it's a foreign name.

"A girl," Winston comments and when I look at his hands, he's scrubbing harder than before but it seems to be working.

"Of course it's a girl," I say and I don't care if he can tell that I'm offended. So what if I slept with him a few times before? I was horny, he was available. It's not like I've done anything with him that I wouldn't have been able to do with a girl.

"Well, have fun then," Winston says quietly and I hate how he doesn't seem bothered by it. Why can't he be angry at me? Why can't he do anything that would make it easier for me to forget about him?

"I will," I say and with that, I walk out and I leave him behind.

***

Whoever thought that having a dance straight after a football game would be a good idea has clearly never played football before.

Charlie's letting me borrow one of his ties since I don't own any and then I'm driving over to my house to get ready before I have to pick Natalie up.

I stand in front of the mirror as I try to choose between the two ties I'm holding, they're both plain, one black and one navy.

"Go with the navy," Charlie tells me as I hold it up to my neck. "I only wear the black one to funerals."

Well, that's settled then.

He's sat on the armchair holding a hot water bottle to his arm where the muscles feel sore and I throw the black tie back at him.

"So...Natalie?" he asks as the tie lands in his lap and I smile despite myself.

I managed to talk to her after the game today, the first time we've spoken since that party.

I don't remember much about her from that night but turns out she's actually alright.

She's one of the cheerleaders and she came up to me after the game and kissed me on the cheek in front of everyone. If anyone had any doubts about my sexuality before, they were sure to have disappeared.

She's smart, pretty and likeable. The perfect girlfriend. 

The perfect cover-up.

No. That's over now.

We ended it.

"She seems nice," Charlie says absentmindedly and I wonder where he's going with this because it doesn't feel like just simple chitchat. 

"She is," I admit as I fold the tie into my jacket pocket. 

"Look, all I'm trying to say is...if you ever need any relationship advice..."

I snort and I raise an amused eyebrow. "What? I should come to you?" I tease him. "What would you know about girls."

"I'm not talking about girls," he said quickly as if he wants to get the words out before he has a chance to change his mind.

I freeze. My hand stays in my hair and the smile on my face turns into a frown and I stay standing there looking at myself in the mirror.

"Is this about that thing I said at the party?" I ask with a nervous laugh trying to brush it off. "I already told you-"

"I know what you said, Monty," Charlie interrupts me and I'm pissed off.

Who does he think he is to be interrupting me, questioning me and acting like he knows best?

"I'm not a fucking fag," I say quietly through gritted teeth. I can't look at myself in the mirror and I look down at my feet.

"I'm not saying you are," Charlie says and he sounds so...confident. Like he actually believes what he's saying. "I just think that you maybe you're lying to yourself. As well as everyone else around you. But you're not just hurting...whoever the other person is. You're also hurting yourself. Trust me, I know what it's like."

But I'm nothing like him. He doesn't get the right to give me advice.

"I need to go," I say.

The air in the room is suffocating me and I can't breathe anymore. If I stay there for even one more second, I feel like my head might explode.

I'm lying to myself? No. But lying to everyone else? God, he doesn't know the half of it.

"Monty!" Charlie shouts after me but I'm already out of the room and I slam the door in his face.

I can't breathe as I'm walking down the stairs.

I can't breathe as I put my shoes on in the hallway.

I can't breathe when I step outside.

Only when I'm alone, back in my car do I feel like I can breathe again.

I breathe in and out. In and out. In and out. My breathing getting heavier and quicker until I feel dizzy.

I don't cry. It just doesn't happen.

But sure enough, when I touch my cheek, it feels wet

I roughly wipe it away with the back of my hand but I still don't feel better.

"Fuck," I say quietly.

So Charlie knows. And he doesn't think I'm a freak.

He doesn't think I'm a fag.

He's not judging me and he's not treating me differently.

He's just being Charlie and he wants to help me out.

I don't know what to think. I feel so fucking dizzy.

"Fuck," I laugh and I can already feel my eyes filling up again. This is starting to get ridiculous.

But it's not funny. It stopped being funny a long time ago.

I'm a fucking mess.

And Charlie may not care, Winston may not care and I'm sure Scott wouldn't care if he knew. But my dad would. Football scouts would care. A lot of people would care.

"Fuck!" I shout and I hit the steering wheel with open hands. 

"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! _Fuck!"_ And with every word my, my hands may contact with the steering wheel, the next one harder than the one before. And I keep going until my hands feel numb and I can't feel them anymore.

I wish I could do that with the rest of my body.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know if you prefer longer chapter that take longer or shorter chapters with frequent updates. im not a fan of this chapter so sorry but please bear with me


	9. Drunken Confessions

**Chapter Nine**

Natalie can't seem to keep her hands off of me. We're putting on quite a show for everyone around us.

She grinds hard against me, not too hard (she doesn't want people to think she's easy) but hard enough for me to know that she'll probably want me to fuck her after.

With the way things are going, I might just go for it.

Winston's ignoring me. 

He said he wasn't planning on coming but here he was, hanging out with the weirdos.

He gets up to get a drink, so I get up to get a drink. He goes to the dancefloor, I drag Natalie to the dancefloor. He sits down on the bleachers, I sit down on the bleachers.

I try hard to get him to notice me, I've been trying all night, but he hasn't given me even a _second_ of his attention. I don't blame him though, I know I don't deserve it.

But if he just gave me the chance to apologise, to make things right...I'd say the right thing this time. I swear I would.

I'd tell him the truth about that night.

Natalie whispers something in my ear as her hips move against mine but I don't pay attention to her. I've already given my attention to someone else.

He's sitting on the bleachers again, Ani and Clay on his right and Alex on his left. They're talking the four of them, smiling, having fun. He looks so happy and it hurts to know that he doesn't need me to have a good time.

Then Ani gets up on her feet and drags Clay onto the dancefloor with her. Alex and Winston are left by themselves.

They're just here as friends, I tell myself. Friends, nothing more.

Alex isn't even gay, I don't need to worry about him.

But I see the way Alex looks at him, the way I should have looked at him before it was too late.

Winston's showing off his teeth again, a wide grin on his face as he laughs while he watches Ani try to convince Clay to dance with her.

A slow song starts to play and Natalie moves to create some space between us, she places her hands on my shoulders and she's looking at my face, watching Winston will be impossible to do now.

I offer her a smile and I place my hands on her hips. I bring her closer to me so that she rests her chin on my shoulder. At least now she won't be able to see that I've already got my eyes on someone else. It can't hurt her if she doesn't know.

I see Alex's lips move but I can't hear the words that come out. I really wish I knew what they were talking about, it would help me determine what they're here as.

But then maybe I don't need words, just watching them is enough.

I feel my stomach twist and turn as I watch Alex's hand inch closer and closer towards Winston's hand. 

I hold my breath.

Winston doesn't seem to be aware of how close their hands are. But I am.

And then Alex's fingers brush past Winston's. Part of me wants to go over there, pick Winston up and carry him as far away from Alex as my legs will let me. But another part of me wants Winston to move away himself, anything to show me that he's not ready to move on yet.

Why am I so obsessed with him? This is starting to get embarrassing.

But I watch as Winston looks down as their fingers brush together and he moves his hand closer to Alex. I swear I could vomit right there and then.

I couldn't take him to homecoming so he found someone who could. Someone who wouldn't force him to hide and sneak around, someone who wouldn't be ashamed to show him off.

Because he should be. He deserves to be shown off. 

I have to tear my eyes away. It hurts. It fucking hurts.

I tilt my head down and I bring Natalie even closer to me as I breathe in the smell of her shampoo. She smells nothing like him, but it's better than nothing and I slowly start to calm down.

"Aren't you clingy today?" she teases me and laughs as she pulls away.

"Mhm," I say. I grip onto her hips even tighter, but it doesn't feel right.

She raises one eyebrow, clearly liking where I'm going with this and then she tilts her head upwards and she kisses me.

It's just a kiss.

Nothing special, nothing out of the ordinary. 

Just another kiss. 

I pull away before she can sense that I'm not as into it as she is, girls can feel that shit even before you can.

My eyes flicker to the side almost automatically and my heart stops.

Oh so now he decides to look?

But then I'm not even sure if looked or if I've imagined it because he turns away. He could have been looking at about a thousand other things and yet I want to believe that he was looking at me instead.

But I've lost my chance. 

And Winston just confirms that as he stands up and follows Alex down the bleachers.

Good for him.

Really. I'm happy for him.

I want him to be happy, even if that means that I have to feel like shit.

***

So what if they left together?

Plenty of people leave together.

I leave with Scott and Charlie most of the time, doesn't mean I end the night by fucking them.

But I also don't hold hands with them in public.

Why does everything have to be so confusing?

I walk around the empty hallways trying hard not to trip or stagger.

Scott should have probably stopped me after my second drink. Or my third, or fourth for that matter.

But he got mad when I told him to fuck off and I shrugged him off to go dance with Natalie.

Natalie didn't really care if I was being an asshole or not as long as I was decent towards her. I can already tell she's thinking of ways to 'change' me. Cute.

The only one I could tolerate out there was Charlie.

He's been acting like his usual self as if the conversation we had a few hours ago never even happened.

I make a mental note to remind myself to thank Charlie once I'm sober. Not by actually saying 'thank you' but he'll know what I mean. I'll figure something out once the alcohol is out of my system.

Scott could give me a break.

I'm working hard and trying to please everyone every single second of every fucking day (or at least I try to), he could at least give me this one day off.

I'm holding onto the wall for support now. I don't think I'm drunk, I haven't drunk enough, but I do sure feel like it.

Whatever Diego gave me must have been some strong shit, nothing like the orange juice the teachers were serving us.

I brush past the wall with every step I take, I might not be walking completely straight anymore but at least I'm not gonna fall.

I hear a low hum coming from down the corridor.

And each step I take, the sound becomes clearer and I can almost make out the words.

"The poison dart frog..." comes a muffled sound from behind the door of the room and I stop.

I slightly open the door and I stick my head inside. The lights in the room are turned off but the video on the screen illuminates the room with a soft blue light. 

He looks so pretty with the blue light on his face.

It looks like he's watching a nature documentary. He's sat down on a desk, his legs dangling down and he slowly swings them backwards and forwards as he watches the video on the large screen.

I thought he'd be on his knees for Alex by now.

"Hey."

He sharply turns towards me, he sees that it's me and then he turns back to watching his frog documentary.

Right. He's mad at me.

I open the door further and I walk inside, he doesn't say anything, doesn't even acknowledge me.

I close the door behind me with a soft click and I slowly walk over to him. He still won't look at me.

I sigh and I move to sit next to him on the table, I'm sitting slightly on the edge so the tips of my shoes are still touching the floor.

The man in the documentary starts talking about the frog and it's life during winter and I can't help but wonder who would even enjoy watching this shit.

"What are you watching?" I ask because the man's voice is starting to get on my nerves and I need to start a conversation somehow.

Winston shrugs. "It was on when I came here."

Why is he so calm? Why is he not bothered that I'm here, talking to him when I could be doing about a million other things?

"Mhm," I hum and I lick my lips. I have no idea what to say to him. 

Sorry won't be enough. He's not even looking at me, he's more interested in the frog than in me.

Then he sighs deeply and without taking his eyes off the screen he says, "What are you doing here, Monty? Shouldn't you be with your ' _date_ '?"

And he makes the word 'date' sound like he can't even believe that I'd take Natalie as my date. Is he...jealous?

Maybe it's not over after all. 

I ignore his question because if there still is a chance for us...I don't wanna waste time by talking about Natalie. He wants Natalie gone? Done. She's gone. She doesn't exist to me anymore.

Here we go.

"After the game, this guy walked up to me. Called me a fag, said I looked like one of those twinks that get off on sucking cock." I say and I'm looking straight at the screen just like Winston is. I'd rather watch this shitty documentary than look at him. I'm sure he feels the same way.

Winston nods slowly like he's not even paying attention to what I'm saying but I ignore that, he needs to know what happened that night.

"I got so fucking mad," I say and Winston scoffs like he's not surprised. "And then Natalie and some other cheerleaders just came up to us and invited us to a party at their house. I didn't want to look suspicious..." I take a deep breathe to give Winston a second to take it in, maybe even hoping that he'll say something. But even I'm not believing the shit that's coming out of my mouth.

I've sent so much time trying to convince myself that I blew him off to protect my cover. But my cover wasn't even in danger, I'm just grasping at excuses.

"I know it's not an excuse for leaving you, or not texting you, but-"

"But what?" Winston says calmly and he glances to the side making eye contact with me briefly. "You're sorry? I should just forgive you and let it go?"

"That's not what I'm saying!" I sigh with frustration and I rub my forehead with one hand. "Can you just liste-"

"I just...I try so _hard_ to understand you," Winston interrupts me and I shut up. He doesn't believe my bullshit excuse either."But no matter what I do, it never seems to be good enough for you." He takes a deep breath and then he turns his head to face me. "You treat me like shit and yet I still manage to convince myself that somehow it's my fault, that I've done something wrong. It's so fucking exhausting trying to keep up with you and I just...I can't do this anymore.

I never would have thought that he'd be the one to end it. I just assumed that he'd always stick around, that he'd always be there until the day I decided to end it.

"Do what?" I ask. I just want him to say it, clarify _exactly_ what he wants to end. The sex? The arguments? 

He scoffs and he shakes his head. "I don't know. _This_ ," he says and gestures to the space between us. "Whatever this is."

Whatever. It's all 'whatever' to him.

All of it. He wants _all_ of it to end. Not just the arguments and the sex, all of it, the secret meetups, waking up together, eating greasy food while the football channel is on the TV...

All of it.

I nod slowly and I purse my lips. "Yeah...Okay."

I look down at the ground and I sigh.

So what now? 

I just leave? Never see him again? Never talk to him again? Pretend I don't know him when I see him in school? Pretend I've never seen him first thing in the morning and last thing at night?

"Okay," he repeats after me and he looks down at his legs.

But neither of us move.

I want to shake him, grab him by his shoulders and shake him. Why is he doing this to me? I want to ask him what I need to do to make it okay again. But I don't even get the chance to because Winston is already getting onto his feet.

"I should get back to Alex," he says and he doesn't meet my eyes.

Of course, he'd rather be with the guy who's not ashamed to hold his hand in public. This shouldn't be surprising to me.

I should ask him to stay, he needs to know that I want him to.

I don't want this 'thing' between us to be over, I'm not ready for that yet. But he's already moved on and there's no point dragging him down with me.

"Yeah," I say getting on my own feet as well. "Natalie's probably waiting for me."

Idiot. Idiot. Idiot.

Winston gives me a small nod and he gestures towards the door with his hand as if letting me go first.

I slowly start to turn my body and then I stop. 

Fuck it. I made a promise to myself, I was going to tell him the truth. What have I got to lose anyway?

"I lied," I say quickly and Winston looks up at me with those hazel eyes of his.

His eyebrows furrow, a silent 'what are you talking about' forming on his face.

But the words are out now and I can't keep lying to him and to myself.

"That night that I...blew you off," I said and I have to look away from him because he looks so hopeful. I don't want to see his face when I disappoint him once more. "I didn't do it because that guy called me a fag. I mean, yeah sure I was pissed, but I knew he said it just because he was upset about losing..."

I dare to look up and I can see that Winston's is biting back a smile. "So why did you do it?"

He crosses his arms over his chest looking amused like he never expected me to say anything like this. Yeah, that makes two of us.

Ponytail man called me a fag and that was the thing that pushed me off the edge.

But it was long before that that I started having doubts about whether meeting Winston was a good idea. 

Thinking about meeting up with him, especially in _that_ place. I thought I was ready to share it with him. But it made me feel so dizzy, I could barely concentrate on the game.

I've never felt like this before. He has no idea about half the things I feel towards him.

"I..." I trail off and I wonder if he'll understand. "It fucking scares me. This _thing_ between us."

I pause and Winston's face softens as if he's starting to understand. 

I laugh nervously because I don't really know what I'm saying anymore. I'm just telling him everything that's on my mind and it's not just because of the alcohol.

"I just want to be able to go back to the summer," I sigh desperately and I cover my face with my hands. "It was so... _simple_ back then. I really didn't have to worry about anything except for the next time I was going to see you. But everything's so fucked up now. So complicated."

"It doesn't have to be," Winston says before I can start rambling again.

I take my hands away from my face and he's standing much closer to me now. Alex is waiting for him, but he's here with _me._ And that must mean something.

"But it _is_ ," I repeat. "It's fucked up. I can't be what you want me to be. I can't take you to dances, I can't hold your hand in public and I can't-"

But I don't get to finish warning him because he doesn't care. He doesn't care about any of that.

He doesn't. Because he knows how fucked up I am and he's kissing me. 

He stepped forward and he shut me up by pressing his lips against mine. It's not like any other kiss we've had before, it isn't forceful or aggressive, it's light and simple just like I need it to be.

He brings his hands up to my face and he holds me still while his mouth works with mine. 

"You fucking _reek_ of alcohol," he mumbles against my lips and I smile to myself. 

I reach down to his hips and I pull him towards me again. This is a million times better than kissing Natalie, her hips and lips are nothing compare to his.

He kisses me slightly aggressively now and I respond by biting his bottom lip. One of his hands moves down to my shoulder where he digs his blunt nails in as he lets out a slight groan.

I don't want it to stop as I hold him as close to me as I can, my tongue in his mouth, his hand squeezing my shoulder. And he tastes just like I want him too, he tastes like himself. God, I don't ever wanna share him with anyone else.

I gently push him away from me and I study his face. His red, swollen lips waiting for me to kiss them again. And I want to, just not here. 

I've waited so long for this, I don't wanna rush it or do it wrong.

His hazel eyes are burning into mine, waiting and at that moment I know that it won't be Alex he's leaving with tonight.


	10. Dropping the Act

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MATURE CONTENT
> 
> first of all id like to say thank you for all your comments and kudos (?whatever that is idk im new at this) and thank you for showing me so much support :) ily

**Chapter Ten**

"Fuck," I groan against his mouth and I push him forward. But the door is still closed and Winston is having trouble opening it and kissing me at the same time.

He manages to finally grab the door handle and I push him towards the room. He bumps into something and he starts to stagger but I grip onto his waist and I hold him close to me to make sure he doesn't fall.

I have to let go of his hips and I fumble around trying to unbutton his shirt. I'm so glad he didn't wear a tie or we'd stand here struggling for hours.

I bet we could do this in just a minute if we actually stepped away from each other and focused. But all I can focus on is kissing him.

I manage to unbutton three of his buttons from the top and then I give up. I push him towards the bed and my hands reach down to the hem of his shirt. 

I have to detach myself from him and he groans in protest. I grab his shirt and I pull it over his head. It's not an easy job with only three of his buttons unbuttoned but it works and that's all I care about.

He sits down on the bed and he wraps his arms around my neck trying to pull me down with him. 

I don't start kissing him again, his pupils are blown and his lips are swollen and I try to take in as much of it as I can before he grabs my hair and brings my mouth down onto his again.

God, he wants me so fucking bad.

He moves up the bed and I move over him as he wraps one leg around my waist and he presses the heel of his foot into my lower back. Pushes me into him.

But I'm still fully dressed and my cock is getting so hard that I can't think about anything else but him pressing into me.

"Wait," I say breathlessly and I break the kiss. I need a moment to catch my breath, I feel so fucking dizzy.

But Winston's not letting me go. He fists my shirt and he brings my mouth to meet his again and I soon understand why.

I can feel how hard he is through his pants, the bulge is pressing against his inner thigh and I can't seem to be able to ignore it. He might even be harder than me.

His lips part and he lets my tongue explore his mouth. I go in hard, in and out practically fucking his mouth with my tongue and he lets out a deep groan from his chest.

The vibrations move through me and I have to stop myself from moaning. I don't fucking moan.

I decide to pull away from him once again and this time he doesn't stop me, I'm so fucking hard and I just need to get my clothes off.

But Winston's taking care of that. His lips brush past my ear and he starts untying the tie I borrowed from Charlie.

I texted Charlie that I was going home because I didn't feel well, I told him that I left the keys to my car in the backseat and they can drive themselves home.

It was a pretty believable excuse.

He starts to unbutton my shirt now and I take a moment to rest my chin on his shoulder and breathe in his scent.

His hair brushes past my nose and I nuzzle into him as I take deep breaths in. This is what I missed about him.

"I missed you," Winstons whispers in my ear, his voice so low that I feel a tingle at the bottom of my stomach.

He slows down, takes his time to unbutton each button and I don't mind. 

I slowly start moving against him, my hips grinding against his and I hear him breathe in sharply.

"Don't stop," he says and his hands are at my last button now. He unbuttons it and he pushes the shirt down my arms. His fingertips brush past my muscles and then the shirt is off and on the floor.

It's been too long and I move to kiss him again.

My lips move over his and I know that my lips are just as swollen as his. 

I know that we still have things that we need to talk about, I still need to apologise properly for once. But right now all that matters is this, we can talk another time.

His hands move down to the top of my trousers and he unbuttons them and pulls the zipper down.

My cock is practically fighting to get out now. I missed the feeling of being inside of him, seeing his face when I push in, hearing him moan as I make him lose it. 

He pulls my pants down to my thighs and I do the rest, pulling at my pants until they're completely off.

Winston tries to push me over and get on top but I hold him down. 

"Fuck," he manages to whisper as I hold him down with one hand on his shoulder. He's so fucking turned on. But then so am I.

My eyes travel up and down his body and they stop at the bulge in his pants, now visible more than ever before.

I've never touched him before. 

There's a lot of things I'm down to do. But toughing another guy's dick? That's a line I never want to cross.

Winston sees me staring and he gets the hint. His hands slowly travel to his zip and I watch him unbutton his trousers and pull them down.

"You're so fucking hard," I tease him and he groans.

I reach out and I let myself take his trousers off for him fully. He takes off his black boxers, the last piece of clothing he has on, and I watch as he wraps his hand around his hard-on. 

I can't seem to take my mind off of it as he slowly strokes himself. God, I'm fucking horny.

I lean down again and I plant a small kiss on his lips as I take my boxers off with one hand.

I can't seem to breathe properly as Winston studies my face, his eyes dark with want. Alex could never do this to him.

The head of my cock brushes against my stomach and I reach down to touch myself.

"Lube?" I whisper against Winston's lips as I start stroking myself, slow at first and then slightly faster.

He rolls onto his side and he reaches towards the nightstand next to his bed. He opens the top drawer and he takes out a bottle of lube. It's almost full, I don't think he's fucked anyone since I last fucked him. 

Good.

I dip my fingers into the lube that I poured out onto my hand and Winston watches me.

I would usually start with one finger but he's so fucking hard and horny that I know he could probably take two.

"Okay," I say and my hand starts to tremble. Fuck.

I place my lips back onto his and he kisses me back so forcefully that I'm sure my lips will be bruised tomorrow.

One of his hands is pulling at my hair and the other one is gripping onto my hip. 

I wait a moment and I know that he's already waiting for it. 

I reach in between his legs and I press my two fingers against his entrance.

"Shit," he tries to say but I muffle him with my mouth.

Then without a second warning, I push the two fingers into him.

He winces and groans, a deep groan that I hate to say turns me on more than I'd like it to.

I fuck him with my fingers, twisting and turning until I know he's ready.

His hands are bruising my hips, his blunt nails digging in and it fucking hurts but I don't complain.

He's so fucking tight around my fingers and it makes my head spin when I think about being inside of him. I really need to get a grip.

"Monty..." he moans and I can't take it anymore. I need to be inside of him. Now.

I take my two fingers out of him and he groans in protest. I pull away again and I spread lube all over my aching cock, I'm so hard that it's painful.

He's stroking himself faster now, occasionally rubbing the head with his thumb and I can't stop watching him.

I need to position myself properly, he doesn't want to get on his hands and knees, I know he doesn't. 

I get in between his legs and I try to find his entrance with my fingers again. 

I lean in to kiss him again as he presses his leg into my lower back. Okay, I get it.

I position myself, the head of my cock touching his entrance and pressing down against it and his breathing quickens.

He grabs onto one of my shoulders with his hands and when I push into him, he groans and digs his nails into my shoulder. 

I haven't done this since the summer but I can still remember what he likes.

I move slowly at first and then when I speed up, I aim to push into him at an angle. He meets me halfway and we keep going until I hit the spot.

"Fuck fuck _fuck_ ," he mumbles and he bites onto my shoulder, his teeth fully sinking into my skin and I groan.

I keep going as he jerks himself off and his lips move up to my neck and he starts leaving bite marks all over my neck. I'll worry about covering them up later.

I push in again and he squeezes my waist with his leg even harder. I dare to look up at him and he looks so fucking hot.

I know that he enjoys this. He keeps on grunting and moaning every time I push into him or hit the right spot.

His lips rest on my jaw and he starts kissing it slowly, leaving saliva all over my neck and chin.

"Can I come in you?" I ask and his eyes widen just thinking about it.

"Yes," he says and he nods quickly. "Please do."

I know exactly when he's about to come, I just wait for the right moment.

And then his muscles tense around me and white come starts shooting out of his cock.

"Shit," I say because I can barely control myself. 

I know that he's sensitive now and I start to slow down but I don't stop pushing in.

His come is all over his hands and stomach and I can't help but wonder what he tastes like. And just when I think about it, I feel my cock twitch and then I let go myself.

I push in slower and slower as I let myself spill inside of him. Marking my territory.

Winston wipes his hand on the bed cover and then he reaches up to my hair. His hand isn't completely clean but I don't say anything and I let him pull on my hair and bring me in for a kiss.

My tongue moves over his lips shamelessly and I pull out of him while my tongue is still in his mouth. He twitches a little and then sighs into my mouth.

Fuck. 

I just fucked him again.

***

Just like the summer is over, we were supposed to be over too.

The last time we fucked, the time I told him about my dad, that was supposed to be it. I was never going to see him ever again and even though it was kind of upsetting, I was okay with it.

But now I'm in his bed again.

This wasn't supposed to happen.

I can smell him on the pillows, on the duvet, on myself. I know he's not here with me, the bed feels so empty and I can't hear him breathing.

I finally decide to open my eyes and I'm hit with the sunlight from outside pouring in through the window. The same window I hoped he'd notice me from the day my dad broke a bottle over my head.

Fuck. My dad.

I'm gonna need to come up with so many alibis. One for Scott and Charlie, one for Natalie, one for my family...

Fucking bullshit.

I groan to myself and I stretch in bed. I really wish Winn wouldn't wake up so early, I'd love to just stay in bed with him.

Or he could wake me up when he wakes up, I've told him to so many times but he said I'm too adorable when I'm sleeping. I smile to myself just thinking about it.

He usually goes out to the supermarket or a cafe to get us something to eat and by the time I'm up, he's already prepared a supermarket breakfast for us. I really thought I would just forget about all of this once school started? Funny.

I finally manage to drag myself out of bed and I go into his bathroom to sort myself out.

I have to wear my boxers from last night because I have no other clothes and it's not like I'm gonna wear the suit from last night to breakfast. But Winston won't mind.

I quickly wash my face and I run my wet hands over my hair as I stare at myself in the mirror.

Do I look like I've had sex with a guy?

I study myself in the mirror, the scratches on my back, my shoulders, my hips. There's no way of telling whether they were made by a guy or a girl. Or at least I hope so.

There are still some fresh bruises and bite marks on my neck and my shoulders but they should be easy to cover up.

I brush my teeth with Winston's toothbrush, it's not that gross when you think about the fact that my mouth was full of his saliva just a few hours ago.

I spit into the sink and I rinse my mouth with lukewarm water before exiting Winston's room and going downstairs.

There's still so much we need to talk about and it already feels like we don't have much time left. Because the morning will end and I'm going to have to start apologising to people. I need to find out where my car is, what happened to Natalie and if Charlie and Scott believed my excuse.

I don't dare to check my phone because I know that that will bring me out of my fantasy world where nothing else seems to matter apart from Winston and me.

I find him in the kitchen. Cooking.

No kidding, he's actually cooking.

This is new.

"Hey," I say and my voice sounds a bit rough. I stand in the doorway not sure what I'm supposed to be doing. Not sure if we're just supposed to fall into the routine we developed over the summer.

He's wearing black jeans and a grey T-shirt, he looks so skinny and I just wanna wrap my arms around his waist.

"You're up," he comments cheerfully without actually turning around.

I rub my face down with my hands to feel more awake and then I move towards the small dining table that's in the middle of the large kitchen. They have another dining table in the proper dining room but we've never actually eaten there before, it just feels too formal.

Rich people, I swear.

"What are you making?" I ask and I'm curious, this is his first time cooking for me.

"French toast," he says over his shoulder. I lean over the dining table to try to catch a glimpse of it and sure enough, I see him dipping bread into a mixture of egg and milk.

Eggy bread? That's the first thing he wants to cook for me?

I raise an eyebrow but I don't say anything not wanting to upset him.

After a few more minutes of watching him cook, he finally turns the stove off and he brings a plate to me.

He lays it down on the table in front of me and he grins widely. "Voila."

I chuckle lightly at how extra as he waits for me to taste the first-ever mean he's made for me.

Even if it tastes like absolute dog shit I'll tell him it's the best meal I've ever had. I don't care, anything to make him happy.

He watches as I ignore the fork he's laid out for me and I pick one piece of the bread and I bite into it.

He licks his lips nervously as I swallow it down. It's just plain french toast, nothing special.

But I'm not about to tell him that.

"Wow," I say with my mouth still full because I can barely swallow it. "Yeah, this is...yeah. I love it."

I try my best to put a smile on my face but I don't think I'm very convincing. I can pretend in front of everyone else, but not him.

Winston waits a few seconds and then his lips turn into a full-blown grin. "I know it's not good you don't have to lie about it."

I raise an eyebrow at him and he shows off his teeth in a giant grin. "Thank God," I say and I push the plate away from myself.

I manage to swallow the piece that's still in my mouth and then Winston leans on the other side of the table and locks eyes with me.

"It's the first thing I ever learned to cook," he tells me and I realise that he's telling me something that means a lot to him. "Probably the last thing too."

He chuckles softly and then he looks down at the plate between us. "My parents moved around a lot, they still do. I mean I don't mind it as much now, it does have some perks..." he says and then he looks up and gives me a grin. We were lucky no one was home and we could have the house to ourselves.

"But when I was younger," Winston says. "It could get a bit lonely. Didn't really have any friends, you know being the weird gay kid and all."

I frown. I try to imagine twelve-year-old Winston (he was twelve when he came out) sitting by himself at school, watching kids his age play in the park outside his window and I can't imagine how shit he felt for being left out, being judged for something he couldn't control. 

I'd beat up a twelve-year-old for him, I don't give a shit.

"So I just stayed inside most of the time, learned to cook...this," he said pointing to the plate. "I felt like some professional cook the first time I made it. It was burnt and tasted like shit but I ate it up like it was the most amazing thing I've ever eaten."

My heart feels heavy and I feel bad for not liking his french toast.

I don't know what to say so I just nod quietly and Winston smiles at me. "Anyway."

I know better than to start telling him how sorry I am that he had to go through that, we've banned apologising for each other's pasts a long time ago.

He walks around the dining table and he stands in front of me. 

I move the chair back a little and I turn it to the side so now I'm facing him. He grins down at me and he moves to straddle me.

His thighs are resting on top of mine and I let my arms move to wrap themselves around his waist.

I was supposed to apologise but now he's straddling me and I can barely think.

He leans in closer to me, his head above mine because he's slightly taller than me in this position.

"You brush your teeth?" he asks as he moves his thumb across my jawline.

"Mhm."

"With my toothbrush?" he asks and he tries to act frustrated but he's not very good at it.

I grin and I raise my eyebrows playfully. Sucking my cock doesn't gross him out but me using his toothbrush does?

"Right," he chuckles and he pecks me on the lips.

I frown. "That's not even a proper kiss."

"Mhm," he says and he goes to kiss my jaw instead again. I feel his tongue swirl around in circles and then I remember last night.

"Did you...did you leave a mark on my jaw?" I ask and feeling him smile against my skin is all I need to know. "Fuck, Winn."

He grins, I haven't used that nickname since the summer and hearing it makes me feel nostalgic.

I could cover up my shoulder and my neck, but my jaw? I sigh but Winston doesn't seem to share my concerns.

"Just marking what's mine," he whispers and my heart does a flip and I'm smiling before I even know it.

But as soon as I walk out of that door, everything changes. 

I sigh. I wish I could stay here forever, with him. Not having to worry about anyone and anything else.

Winn notices that I'm frowning and he stops. "What's wrong?"

His voice is so soft and he's staring at me now but I don't wanna meet his eyes.

"I'm just...just thinking," I say vaguely and Winston's eyebrows furrow.

Because I'm still going to have to avoid him at school, I'm still going to have to pretend like he doesn't exist. 

As soon as I walk out of that door, it's back to pretending for me. Pretending to be a good son, a good student, a good friend.

It's so fucking exhausting

Winston looks like he's about to start anyone one of his 'be whoever you want' speeches but I cut him off before that can happen.

"About that Saturday night..." I say. "Am I forgiven yet?"

I'm still going to have to show him that place someday when the time is right.

Winn cocks his head to the side and grins. "Almost."

I'm about to ask what else I need to do but then he leans down, presses his lips on mine and finally kisses me properly.

I kiss him back like my life depends on it, trying to salvage our last few moments together.

"Now you're forgiven," he says against my lips as our noses brush together.

I'm already starting to miss him.


	11. Back To Where We Started

**Chapter Eleven**

I could have been with him right now.

We had a deal, I finish writing my English essay for tomorrow and then I can come over. 

But he said something came up with Alex so now I'm sat in bed trying to work out what could have been so important that he had to cancel on me.

I know it's barely been twenty-four hours since Saturday, but I still think it counts for something that we haven't fucked it up yet.

Charlie and Scott don't seem to be suspecting a thing, they were more worried about me taking off so suddenly than anything else.

I still have to apologise to Natalie but she's not my biggest priority right now.

Fuck, I should be with him right now.

I have no idea when the next time we're able to meet will be, but we'll figure it out. We always do.

I'm still thinking about Alex and Winston when my bedroom door opens and Estella's head pops into view.

I quickly take my earphones out of my ears and I look at her. She's been spending more and more time in my room recently especially now that dad has started drinking excessively again, must be something going on at work.

"I knocked," she says and she points back to the door as she steps inside and she closes the door behind her. But she's already seen my earphones, she knows I couldn't hear her.

She looks around the room as if she wants to start a conversation but doesn't know how to. She walks over to my desk and she sits down on the edge of the chair that's littered with a mix of dirty and clean clothes.

"Dad again?" I ask as I wrap my earphones around my hand and I put them to the side. 

She nods and sighs. "He's asking mom about some missing money?" she says with a bit of confusion in her voice. Dad was always worrying about money even though we were never struggling with it. I remember those days where he checked every single one of mom's receipts from the supermarkets to check if the amount of money that went missing added up.

Even if it did, someone usually ended up getting hit. 

"I mean....he just started out of nowhere," Estella continues and I see that her hands aren't steady, I wonder how long she's been debating whether or not she should come talk to me.

"What did he do?" I ask. I sit up and I nod towards her trembling hands but she quickly hides them.

"It's nothing, Monty," she says and she looks away like she doesn't even want to think about it.

He's never hurt Estella. Not on purpose anyways. Sometimes she got in the middle of our fights and got caught up in the crossfire but she was never _really_ hurt. 

He could say some nasty shit to her but he never tried to hurt her.

"I said, what the fuck did he do 'Stella?" I repeat and she looks terrified.

"I mean, I know I was in the way an-"

"What. Did. He. Do." 

I'm sitting up fully straight now, my eyes glued to Estella and I swear I could kill the bastard if he even tried to hurt her.

Estella sighs. "He just...pushed me to the side. I'm sure he didn't mean it-"

And then she stops abruptly once I'm on my feet and I'm walking to the door.

'Pushed'. Yeah, I know what dad's pushes are like. One second you're on your feet and then the next you're flying halfway across the room.

Didn't mean it? Yeah right.

She's not quick enough and I'm out of the door before she can stop me. 

Dad didn't mean to hit me the first time he did it either. I kept on telling myself that. But then he never apologised and it happened again. And then it just kept happening.

I'm not letting it happen again to Estella.

"Monty! _Monty!_ " Estella shouts after me as I run down the stairs.

But she's too late.

When I look into the living room, I see mom sitting on the couch, her cheeks tear-stained as she's desperately looking up at my dad.

He's standing over her like a hawk, a various number of receipts that look like they've been pulled out of the trash are all over the table next to him and he's also holding one in his hand, looking at it like he's trying to find a secret message.

"What the _fuck_ do you think you're doing?" I shout at him, the words are out of my mouth before I know it.

He looks at me like I've just slapped him.

No going back now.

***

Of course, I've told him the short version, the version that doesn't include me going to the kitchen and threatening my dad with a knife. I was so fucking out of it.

God knows how many times he's pulled a knife on me but my mom was able to stop me before I could do anything stupid.

We weren't supposed to have seen each other until the weekend but the minute he saw my face in school on Monday, I knew that he was willing to make an exception.

Winston wasn't the only one giving me weird looks. Miss Lawrence tried asking me if anything happened when I turned in my essay but I shut her down, Scott winced when he saw me but he didn't ask, he has been treating me like a child all day though.

I know what I look like, busted lip, bruised cheek, swollen nose. At least he didn't break my arm like he did a while ago.

His finger is gently tracing the cut on my lip and I don't mind. My eyes are closed because it hurts too much to leave them open, I don't think I've slept for even a second last night.

"You can sleep now if you want to," he says. 

I'm laying in his bed and he's laying on his side, one of his legs draped over my hips and my hand is resting on his lower back.

I wish I wasn't this fucking tired because I'm just wasting valuable time with him.

"I'm not tired," I try to convince him but if he wasn't here, I probably would have fallen asleep a long time ago.

His hand has moved onto my jaw now and he's tracing the part where the fading bruise he gave me is. Natalie took the blame for it.

I finally manage to open my eyes and I tilt my head at an angle so I can look down at him. He's so tiny, especially when he's laying next to me.

"How was your Sunday?" I ask. I try to sound neutral like I'm just curious but I just really wanna know what he and Alex were doing while I was getting beaten to shit.

He shrugs. "Boring." And then he sees that I'm still waiting for me, some details would be nice. "Alex just needed someone to talk to."

I raise my eyebrows and I turn my head to the other side so I don't have to look at him anymore. "And that person had to be you?"

I can't help but think that maybe it was all meant to happen like this. If I was at Winston's house while all of it went down, Estella would have gotten over it before I got home and she never even would have mentioned it.

"Believe it or not, we're friends. He's not as bad as you think he is," Winston tried to tell me but I'm not listening. I still remember homecoming and the way Alex looked at him. Maybe Winston thinks they're friends, but Alex definitely wants more.

Well, that's tough. I'm not sharing Winn with anyone else, not anymore. Not ever.

I sigh and I let my tongue touch the cut on my lip. It fucking stings. I have to be careful not to move my mouth around too much or the cut opens again and the whole process starts all over again.

"You're not jealous...are you?" Winn asks and he sounds kind of amused. 

I don't say anything and he snorts. I'm glad to see one of us finds this funny.

I'm obviously not jealous, why would I be? There's nothing to be jealous of. So Alex touched his hand once, it meant nothing.

"Come on, don't be like that," Winn says and he tries to turn my head to look his way again but I resist.

I turn my head away even more just to see how he'll react and he scoffs.

"You're such a child," he says and he moves his leg further down my waits and moves to sit on top of me. He doesn't need to force me to look at him anymore.

"What's the plan?" I ask him with a slight chuckle and I move my hands onto his upper thighs.

We've barely even kissed properly. When I tried to kiss him, he moved away because he thought he'd hurt me from looking at the cut. I wouldn't mind if he did.

He shrugs and he rests his hands on my torso. He looks so innocent with the way his hair rests over his forehead almost completely covering his eyes. But he's anything but.

"Kiss me," I say and his eyes immediately travel to my lips.

"But your-" he starts to protest but I interrupt him.

"Shut up and kiss me."

He hesitates, still thinking that it's not such a good idea, but then he leans over me and brings his face closer to mine.

The tip of his nose brushes over mine and I break out in a smile. He's the only person that can still somehow manage to make me smile.

His thumb brushes backwards and forwards over my lip as if he could somehow make the cut disappear if he tried hard enough. I know he wishes he could.

His lips make contact with mine and his thumb is touching the bruise below my eye, the place where dad punched me.

I'm still not used to those types of kisses. The way he gently moves his lips over mine, takes his time to cherish every second that his lips are on mine and how his hand reaches up to push my hair back.

It _does_ kind of hurt. Even though he tries to be gentle, just the touch is enough to make the cut sting.

Then he pulls away and I groan in protest. "What are you _doing?_ "

He chuckles lightly at how I'm acting, even I'm surprised at how clingy I've become.

"I'm gonna miss you," he says quietly and I raise an eyebrow. "I always miss you as soon as you leave."

Good to know. Now stop wasting time and kiss me.

I don't tell him that I'll miss him too. I will, but the words won't come out of my mouth. It just sounds too desperate.

Then he sighs and he looks away. "I'm not gonna be here for the weekend," he says. He knows that Saturdays and Sundays are the only days that we can really have to ourselves. 

I frown. "Where are you going?"

He brings a hand up to his hair like he's not totally comfortable to talk about it. "I,erm...my grandad. He's kinda ill and we're all going over there to...you know."

I don't really know. Are they gonna check up on him? Are they gonna make sure he's happy before he dies? Are they gonna stay there until he feels better?

I nod anyway. I don't ask any more questions, I can already see how uncomfortable he is just bringing it up.

"So when can I see you again?" I ask him and I let my hands move down to rest on his knees.

Seeing him in school is torture. He knows that and we try our best to stay out of each other's way even though it's not often easy. 

Every time I see him, the only thing I can think about is that I've fucked him, I've kissed him, I've had breakfast with him. And even though no one knows, I feel like just looking at him for too long might give me away. Especially now that Charlie seems to be paying close attention to everything I do. 

He thinks he's slick being by asking me about my plans, what I did on Sunday, if I've been to Natalie's house recently etcetera. He's not gonna find out anything, not from me. 

Scott doesn't even seem to care. I almost never see him around anymore. He leaves two minutes into lunch to 'go to the bathroom' and then he randomly reappears just when lunch is about to be over. He's not fooling anyone. 

But he's too busy covering up his own secret to even be able to see past all my lies.

Winn shrugs. "I might be able to see you on Friday," he says and he sounds upset that we won't have the weekend to ourselves. I guess he's not a big fan of his granddad. 

"Not here though," he adds. "My parents will be all over the place, fussing over everything. They won't mind if I leave them to it. So if you wanna meet up somewhere else...?"

I know what he's trying to do. I sent him to that place on that night and then I never showed up. He's probably still wondering why I wanted to take him there in the first place. He'll never work it out.

"I'll see if I can think of anything," I say vaguely because I don't want to get his hopes up. And mine.

Sneaking around is fun until it isn't anymore. Until he wants to hold my hand in public. Until he realises that I'm probably never going to be able to do that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry about not posting yesterday, i wrote two chapters and i hated both of them


	12. The Closet Doors

**Chapter Twelve**

We don't get to meet up on Friday.

He cancelled on me literally last minute with some shitty excuse about how his parents needed his help with something. No details whatsoever.

I sent him a thumbs up emoji in reply. I hope he gets the message.

"What the fuck was that?" Scott laughs at me and he takes the opportunity to stop and take a drink of his beer.

"Even I could have taken that shot," Charlie tells me and I glare at him.

Charlie's house is neutral ground for all of us, the place where our biggest worry is how many kills you can get in one game. Well, it's supposed to be.

Scott's pretending like he hasn't blown us off all week, what gives him the right to sit here and laugh at me like we're such great friends?

I guess everyone's pretending nowadays.

"Natalie got you off your game?" Scott teases me and he resumes the game. 

I tell myself to focus, don't get killed.

"Mhm," I say in reply and Scott nods like he understands but in reality he hasn't as much as _talked_ to a girl for months.

They know that I was supposed to meet up with 'Natalie' today but I'm hanging out with them instead so they can guess that something happened.

We play for another few minutes, insulting each other, making fun of each other when one of us messes up, usually it's me. And then Charlie interrupts.

"What are you doing on Halloween?" he asks and it's the kind of thing you'd expect him to say. He can't just show up to parties like a normal person, he has to plan it out, make sure he has a group of friends by his side. Honestly, it's like hanging out with a girl.

"Halloween? That's ages away," I say and Scott glances at me and raises an eyebrow. "What?"

"It's next week dummy," Scott tells me and then he shoots me because he knows I'm distracted again.

"Fuck you," I say and I put the controller down on the couch. "You can play with Charlie now, see how much you like that."

Charlie looks offended but we all know how crappy he is at video games. Playing with him isn't fun, he drags you down and it's no fun playing against him because he's so easy to kill and he never gets mad.

He picks the controller up from the couch and I put my feet up on the coffee table as I watch Scott change some things in the game settings.

"There's this party at Bryce's," Charlie continues and my head turns to him. Charlie doesn't even know Bryce, he knows the glorified version of him that is passed on from football player to football player.

"So?" I say. Bryce may as well be dead, he stopped existing to me the minute he decided that he was going to ditch all of his old friends. Fucking Hillcrest boy thinks he's better than everyone else.

Charlie looks uncomfortable, I see him fumbling around the controller like he's just glad he has something to hold onto.

Scott doesn't say anything but his lips are stretched out in a thin line. Scott didn't know Bryce as well as I did but he's got as much reason to be mad at him as I do. He ruined our whole team's reputation, cost us our season and then he left us to clean up the mess.

"I thought it'd be nice to go," Charlie says casually but I can already see that he regrets bringing it up. 

"Nice for who?" Scott asks coldly and I can't help but think that Bryce must have done something because I can't imagine Scott being this upset over last year's season. Anyone else? Yes. Scott? Never.

Charlie and I exchange looks and I raise my eyebrows. "Easy there Scotty, it's just a party. No need to get upset."

Scott rolls his eyes but he doesn't comment. I hear Charlie sigh with relief. I've backed him up, he better not make me regret it.

***

Winston doesn't show up to school on Monday. 

I hate him.

He doesn't text me to tell me what's going on. He read my last message, the thumbs up, and he hasn't said anything since.

I'm almost expecting him to just show up halfway through practice to apologise to me. He doesn't.

Then I'm hoping that he'll be waiting for me in the parking lot after practice. He isn't.

And I hate him.

I hate him for making me feel so attached to him. I should be fine with not seeing him for a couple of days, but I'm not.

I'm even more annoyed because we didn't get to meet up on Friday like we planned to. 

I was ready to take him there, tell him all about it. And then he cancelled. 

I'm not fucking superstitious or anything but...the first time I wanted to take him there, I got called a fag and now, he cancelled on me. 

I just couldn't help but think that maybe it wasn't a good idea to take him to that place. 

I don't see him in school on Tuesday either. Not until lunch anyway.

"I'm telling you it'll be amazing," Charlie tries to convince us. "Come on Monty, back me up here."

And that's all I seem to be doing lately, backing Charlie up. 

I think he knows. I saw him eyeing the scars on my back in the locker room one day and of course, he'd know what scars made by a man look like. He didn't say anything but I could tell that he really wanted to.

One word from him and this whole thing is out there in the open.

But I can't back him up on this.

"Matching Halloween costumes?" I ask and I scrunch my nose. "What are you? Five?"

Scott laughs like he's glad that we're on the same page. This is the first lunch he's had with us in ages, I'm surprised he hasn't run off to the 'toilet' yet.

"Yeah, maybe we should go trick-or-treating after too," Scott adds and Charlie blushes.

We've agreed to go to the party, doesn't mean we're willing to make fools out of ourselves.

"It was just a suggestion," Charlie says trying to play it off and we laugh at him.

My phone vibrates in my jacket pocket and I look down. I keep my phone under the table in case it's from who I hope it is, I don't want Scott reading my messages.

_Need to talk to you._

_Can you meet me in the frog room?_

The frog room. My heart skips a beat and I hate that two simple words can have such an effect on me.

Suddenly I realise that neither Charlie nor Scott are saying anything and when I look up at them, they're staring at me.

"Natalie?" Charlie asks without missing a beat and I swear I fucking love him.

"Er-Yeah," I say and I hide my phone before anyone even gets a chance to look at the screen. "I,erm, gotta go."

I leave before they can make any comments or jokes about Natalie and me, I honestly haven't seen the girl in weeks. She could be dead for all I know.

No one stops me or even pays attention to me as I leave the cafeteria and I walk down the hallway. We've always avoided each other in school, it must be important if he's willing to talk to me here.

I don't see him at first, I expect him to be sat on the table at the front like he was on the night of homecoming. But he's stood in the corner by the bookshelf looking through some of the books.

"Hey," I say and he turns his body to give me a small smile.

Fuck. He looks like shit.

His eyes are red like instead of sleeping he's been crying all night and the bags under his eyes just add to that suspicion.

"Hey," he says. Still smiling. He puts the book back onto the shelf and he starts walking towards me slowly.

I don't move. We're in school for fuck's sake, he can't be doing this.

I can't believe I was mad at him for not texting me back. And then I remember what he spent his weekend doing.

"Is your grandad...?" I ask and I lick my lips because they're so dry that even the cut that's almost healed stars to sting.

"Oh no, he's fine," Winston says quickly and he sighs. So if not that, then what?

We're standing nowhere near each other. If we were in his room, I probably would have my arms around him by now, my nose in his hair, his chin on my shoulder. But we're in school.

I clear my throat. "You okay?" I gesture to him like that's supposed to mean anything but what I really wanna say is 'Why do you look like shit? What happened?'

There's a reason why he wanted to talk to me.

He takes a deep breath and in a split second his face falls and he shakes his head. His lip starts to quiver and he looks like he's going to start crying.

Fuck.

And then he does. He starts crying. It's just one tear at first and then more follow. He puts his hand over his mouth and he turns his head away as the tears fall down his cheeks.

I'm not really sure how to comfort people. Now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever comforted a crying person in my entire life.

So I stand there like a dummy waiting for him to stop crying and to tell me what's wrong. But he doesn't.

Okay. I can do this.

I take one unsure step forwards at first. And then another. And another. I keep walking until I'm within his reach. I really don't want to be the one to reach out first.

His head is hung low like he doesn't want me to see him cry. But I'm too far gone to back out now.

"Hey," I say but he doesn't react. "Hey, look at me."

So I have to reach out first because he's not listening to me. I place my fingers under his chin and I tilt his head upwards but he averts his eyes. " _Look_ at me."

He hesitates. But I've already seen him, puffy red eyes, red nose, swollen lips and he still looks perfect.

He makes a sound that could be either a sob or a chuckle and then he takes a step forward and he wraps his arms around my middle. He presses his lips into my shoulder and I hear him trying to hold back a sob.

When the initial shock is gone, I manage to move my arms and I wrap them tightly around his waist.

And I'm hugging him. Anyone could come in right now and see us like this. Charlie or Scott could have followed me and if they saw...

But it's fine, I just found a guy here, crying. Any normal person would have comforted him. They'll understand.

One of my hands moves up to the back of his head and I hold onto his hair as I listen to his breathing regulate.

My heart is hammering inside my chest. This feels too...real.

This isn't supposed to happen. 

I could keep telling myself that this was just about the sex, but then what am I doing right now?

"I'm such a mess," I hear him mumble into my shoulder and then it feels like he's placing a kiss there.

I feel my body tense up. No, this is way beyond just sex. 

"You think?" I joke and he chuckles even though it's not funny. And then it's silent again and he's still in my arms. "So...what did you want to talk about?"

I'm hoping that maybe he'll peel himself off of me but he just holds me tighter and I sigh.

"Doesn't matter," he says quietly and I scoff. 

"Win-"

"This is much better than talking," he interrupts me and I pull him closer to me, my hand still in his hair. God, he smells so fucking good.

"Mhm."

Even long after he's calmed down, I still hold him and neither of us say a word.

***

Charlie and I are the last ones left in the locker room but that's nothing new.

Charlie's almost dressed and I've still only got a towel around my waist. But I'll know he'll wait for me.

Scott's not gonna be waiting for us so I can take all the time that I need.

I took about twenty minutes to shower. I was sure that I smelled like Winston and I was trying to wash him off of me along with all the sweat from practice.

I search the inside of my gym bag for my clothes and Charlie clears his throat.

"So who is it?" he asks casually. He's leaning against a row of lockers, arms crossed over his chest and I raise ah eyebrow in question. "The guy I'm covering for? 'Natalie'?"

I stop and I feel the guts in my stomach twist and turn. I keep my eyes on my gym bag and I try to calm my breathing down. 

"Dunno what you're talking about."

My hands are trembling now and I pick my shirt up to cover it up. 

I can't stop thinking about what happened at lunch. I held him close to me and when I finally let him go, it felt wrong without him in my arms. I know that something upset him and I've still gonna make him talk to me about it. I hate it that I care. I shouldn't care.

"Let's just fucking talk about it, okay?" Charlie says and I feel like punching him right there and then. Who does he think he is to be talking to me like this? "I've kept quiet for so long but can we just talk about it? Please? I hate to see you-"

"Talk about _what_?" I spit at him and I turn my body to face him. "Hmm? Talk about _fucking_ what?"

He looks terrified but only for a second, he knows I wouldn't punch him. I could, but I won't.

"You know what? I don't care who it is, you don't have to tell me," Charlie corrects himself. "But don't you fucking lie to me, okay? Don't bottle it up."

I press my lips together and I can just feel my breathing getting heavier and heavier. Almost the same way it did the first time Charlie tried talking to me about...this.

But all I do is bottle it up. I've never had anyone I could talk to about all of this bullshit. 

"Is he out?" Charlie asks quietly and I blink.

"Wh-why do you care?" I ask and I have to look away because I just indirectly confirmed that he's right.

"If he _is_ out and he's willing to sneak around for you, you better be fucking grateful. You better realise how fucking lucky you are," he says. I don't think I've ever heard him swear this much. "Even if it seems like he's willing to stick through all your homophobic bullshit, no one is that patient."

He's not angry at me, he looks more like he's fed up with me and the way I'm behaving. 

"And you better get your shit together, Monty," he continues. "Because no one wants to be shoved back into the closet, it's dark. It's fucking dark in there, man."

My heart is pounding against my ribcage like it's about to explode. Maybe it is. Maybe I'm having a heart attack. 

"Yeah. You'd know, wouldn't you?" I say because insulting him is the only thing that will make me feel better about myself. But it doesn't sound like an insult, my voice is shaky and it sounds more like a desperate attempt at being mean.

I can barely swallow because of the large lump in my throat but Charlie's unaffected.

"Get your shit together," he repeats in a stern voice. "Before it's too late."

And he barges past me, leaves me alone in the locker room with the towel still around my hips and I panic.

"I'm not a _fucking_ fag! I'm not like you!" I shout after him and he stops by the door. I guess even Charlie has a limit to how much of my bullshit he can take.

Without turning around he says, "Tell yourself that the next time he's digging his nails into your back."

And I feel sick. 

Sick.

I'm fucking disgusted with myself.


	13. Not Together Together

**Chapter Thirteen**

But is it really that disgusting?

It can't be. Not when it feels this good.

"I need to be at Charlie's house in a few minutes," I mumble against his lips.

"Mhm," he says and he kisses me again. I can taste myself on him and that shouldn't turn me on but it does. "Or...you could stay."

He's already sucked me off once and he hasn't stopped kissing me since. He keeps on grinding his hips against mine and I'm hard again. I'm not wearing a shirt but my trousers are still on so I'm hoping that my hardening cock isn't that visible.

And I could stay. Fuck, I'd love to stay. But I can't. 

Charlie's pissed off at me. He hasn't been avoiding me and he hasn't brought it up again but he's not acting like himself. He's punishing me and I get it, I should apologise.

So I'm gonna go to this fucking Halloween party.

"Or," I say in between kisses. "You could...go with me? Maybe?"

I can't stop thinking about what Charlie said to me. Winston has no problem with people knowing that he's gay, but I _am_ making him hide for me. I don't wanna force him to 'get back in the closet' or some shit. Like Charlie said, no one's that patient.

He stops kissing me and he hovers above my lips. "Are you asking me to go with you?"

And I could. I could take him with me to Charlie's house and he wouldn't judge me, he wouldn't make things weird or awkward. It would be so easy, fixing my friendship with Charlie and making sure Winn doesn't get fed up with me at the same time. It just sounds _too_ easy.

It's Bryce's party. He'll see me with Winston and he'll know. And neither of us would be safe.

"Not like... _together_ together," I say but Winston doesn't stop grinning. "But I could maybe...talk to you there?"

"Don't worry," he says and then he leans down to kiss me again. "I'm not gonna do _this_ in public."

Maybe Charlie's wrong, one gay guy can't speak for all of them. Winston doesn't seem to mind sneaking around.

I bite down on his bottom lip and he gasps as I try to put my tongue in his mouth. He doesn't let me though and he pulls away.

With his hands on my shoulders, he slowly sits up and I follow. I'm sat on the bed now, my hands pressing into his lower back and he's sitting almost right on my erection. Fuck.

"Jesus," he chuckles and he rubs his nose against mine. "Why are you so hard again?"

He's managed to jerk himself off while blowing me and he seemed to be okay. Until now. I can feel his cock start to harden against my thigh. I'm having difficulty breathing knowing how close that thing is to me.

"Take a guess," I say and he grins and leans in to kiss me again. This time he lets me explore his mouth with my tongue almost immediately.

No, this is definitely not disgusting. 

I work my hands down to the hem of his shirt and I start to pull it up but he moves away from my reach. "I don't want to," he says quickly and I get a weird feeling in my stomach.

He doesn't want to fuck? That's a first.

I don't mind obviously, but it's just how he reacted to me touching him.

"What's wrong?" I ask and my eyebrows furrow.

He laughs nervously. "Nothing's wrong."

He puts his hand on the side of my face and he tries to kiss me again but I turn my head.

"I just..." he says and he's looking down, his hair tickling my nose. "Don't want to."

"...Okay?" I say and he slowly looks up at me. "Can I at least touch you?"

I try movie my hand up to his shirt again and I feel his whole body tense up. Fuck.

I don't know what to do and I quickly let my hand drop. 

Did I do something wrong?

"Right," I say and I manage to slide out from underneath him. I can feel my cock slowly starting to soften. 

He looked fucking disgusted when I tried to touch him. And I have no idea why.

I get off his bed and I bend down to pick my shirt up from his floor. He's fine with touching me but I can't touch him?

"Monty..." he says but I'm already putting my shirt on and I don't want to look at him. The look he gave me is burned into my mind. 

"It's fine," I say and I tug at the hem of my T-shirt to straighten it out. "I'll let myself out."

I don't wanna make him any more uncomfortable than I already have.

"You don't have to _leave,_ " he says and I hear the creak of his bed as he stands up. "I could still blow you."

This is what he thinks I'm annoyed about? That I don't get to get off? I asked him if I could touch him and he acted like me touching him was the most disturbing thing he could think of.

I can take a hint, I'll leave.

I sigh and I rub my hands down my face. "I gotta go... meet Charlie."

He doesn't try to stop me as I head for the door.

Once I'm standing by the door, I dare to steal one last look at him. I can't really read him, he's acting like nothing happened. 

"I'll see you at the party?" he asks unsurely and he tries to smile at me.

"Mhm," I say and then I walk out of the door.

What the fuck do I do now?

***

Charlie opens the door and I have to take a step back.

"What the fuck is on your head?"

I'm just trying to joke around with him, but then I remember that we're not really friends at the moment and it turns awkward.

He lets the door stay open and I walk inside. I follow him into the living room where he takes the devil horn headband off of his head and he throws it onto the couch.

He sits down in the armchair and he avoids eye contact with me as I awkwardly stand in the doorway. 

I sigh and I slowly walk over to the couch. I pick the headband up and I slump down on the couch with it still in my hands.

Charlie is now looking at me and I hesitate and then I put the headband on my head. I'm not wearing anything Halloween-like so I guess this will have to do as my costume, it matches with the grey T-shirt and the black jeans.

Charlie tries hard to keep a straight face and then he breaks into a smile.

"How do I look?" I ask and he snorts.

"Great," he says and I chuckle.

An awkward silence follows and I look down at my lap.

I'm sure Charlie could help me work out what's going on with Winston. I mean, they're both gay...

"I, erm..." I say and Charlie looks up at me with a serious look on his face now. "I'm sorry about...you know. Stuff."

That's the closest thing to an apology he's gonna get.

I look up from my lap to see Charlie grinning widely and then he nods like he's proud of me. 

"Apology accepted," he says and then he sighs. "And I'm sorry too. About the shit I said on Tuesday."

"It's all good," I say, maybe it was exactly what I needed.

Now for the second part...

"And what you said," I continue and I need to pause to take a breath. "About talking to you if I need...any advice?"

Charlie raises his eyebrows, he's clearly surprised, and then he nods quickly. He straightens up and he sits down in the armchair properly. "Yeah. Yeah, of course. Whatever you need."

"I..." and then I sigh because the minute I say 'he', it's gonna seem so real, like I can't pretend any longer. "You don't think it's weird? Me and...another guy?"

He looks like he's about to laugh but he doesn't and I'm grateful, I really don't need him laughing at me right now.

"Monty, I'm gay," Charlie states and I hate how easy it is for him. "So no, the possibility of you being with a guy doesn't weird me out."

I briefly tell him about the summer, hooking up with Winston, beating the shit out of him and then apologising. I don't need to recap the whole summer for him to know that we were together for most of it.

"You've been at it since the summer and I only just find out now?" he asks and he genuinely sounds upset. "You _know_ I'd never judge you."

"I...it was nothing at first," I say and I play with the devil horns on top of my head. "And I didn't really feel like telling people that I fucked a guy and enjoyed it."

I don't go into details but I tell him that we managed to work it out a while after I first saw him at school. And then it gets to the difficult part.

What happened today.

I have to explain it using as much detail as I can give without making it awkward because I want Charlie to give me accurate advice. But when I'm finished, Charlie has no idea what to say.

"I...." he says and he scratches his eyebrow awkwardly. "Maybe he's insecure about his chest?"

I raise an eyebrow, like that could even be a possibility. He's never been shy to take his shirt off, not in front of me.

Charlie shrugs. "I really don't know what to tell you...It just sounds like something you two should talk about, you know?"

And I realise that that's unavoidable, but I was hoping Charlie would tell me what's wrong so I can prepare myself for when I have the conversation with Winn.

I just never would have expected him to act the way he did. 

"What's his name?" Charlie asks me now to fill the awkward silence because I know that he can probably already guess. There's only one new guy from hillcrest at our school.

I hesitate but what have I got to lose? Charlie knows that I fucked the guy, knowing his name won't change anything. "Winston."

Charlie nods and he smiles. "And you like him?"

I bite my lip. Do I like Winston? I wouldn't be worrying about all this shit if I didn't.

But still, admitting that you have feelings for another guy is different than just having those feelings.

I shrug and Charlie doesn't push me further.

***

I'm not allowed to drink. 

Scott straight up tells me that he's not gonna be driving us back to Charlie's and Charlie tells me that he's not risking going to prison, not again, so I gotta stay sober.

The party isn't that much fun when you're sober. I stand around, waiting for Winn to show up but he's nowhere to be seen. I really thought he'd be the kind of guy to show up early to a party.

I'm leaning against the doorway and people curse and mutter stuff under their breaths as they try to squeeze past me but I don't move a muscle. I'll stand wherever the fuck I want to.

I'm keeping an eye on Charlie, I've only ever seen him get drunk once before and it didn't end well. That boy just can't keep his liquor down.

I'm not even bothering to look for Scott, he disappeared into the crowd a few minutes after we arrived and I can only imagine how shitfaced he currently is. 

That should be fun to deal with later.

Diego is playing that stupid game of his again, I see the people around the table whispering to each other and then taking drinks and now it looks like it's Charlie's turn.

But he doesn't take a drink, he shrugs like he couldn't care less and Diego starts teasing him.

I smile, Charlie really doesn't care what people have to say about him. I could learn a thing or two from him.

But then my smile is gone because I see _him_.

And he's walking towards me, a big grin on his face.

"Monty, good to see you man," Bryce says. He lifts his hand up in the air as if waiting for me to shake his hand but I keep my arms crossed over my chest.

He slowly lifts his hand back down and sighs like he's disappointed. "So what's up with the Winston kid?"

I stare at him. "Huh?"

Bryce's eyebrows furrow. "Winston Williams? Is he gonna talk about the summer or did you sort it out?"

Oh right. I completely forgot about that.

So he read all my messages, he knew what was going on and he still didn't reply.

"Nah, it's all good man," I say trying to sound as calm as possible. Hopefully, he didn't notice me flinch at the mention of Winston's name.

"You sure?" he asks and he looks me up and down. He doesn't know anything, does he?

I nod and he stays standing there, waiting for me to maybe engage him in a conversation. From what I've heard, he isn't doing so well at Hillcrest. 

"Miss hanging out with you man," he says and he tries to smile at me.

I raise an eyebrow and scoff. So now he doesn't mind being friends with me?

As much as I hate to admit it, Bryce was never a real friend. I thought he was, he was always getting me out of trouble and helping me out with football and baseball shit. But he never cared enough to ask about my family, about my dad and the bruises on my face. 

He knew what was going on at home. He saw the broken arm my dad gave me and he didn't give a fuck. Hell, he even used it against me. Friends don't do that shit.

And then there were Scott and Charlie, both trying to help me with things that don't revolve around high school sports. 

Bryce never asked so when Scott started asking, I wasn't used to it. Maybe that's why it's taking me so long to tell him about the shit at home.

"If you ever wanna hang out or-"

"Sorry," I say and I move away from the door, letting my arms drop by my sides. Charlie is picking up his cup, finally letting himself drink. "I gotta make sure my friends don't get too carried away."

He stares at me as I walk towards him. _Me_ rejecting _him?_ That's a new one.

"Good to see you though," I say for good measure and I pat him on the shoulder as I walk past.

I don't need him. Not anymore.


	14. Sober Thoughts

**Chapter Fourteen**

I don't think I've ever been sober this long into a party.

However, Scott hunting is much easier when you're not shitfaced yourself.

"I can't find him anywhere," Charlie says. We planned to meet up by the stairs but neither of us has found Scott.

"Did you check outside?" I ask.

It's just so unlike Scott to disappear halfway through the party. He's the only one of us who brought a jacket with pockets so Charlie gave his house keys to him so that we wouldn't lose them. Kind of a stupid thing to do now I that I think about it.

Scott's not answering any of our texts and Charlie's worried that he left with his house keys.

_"Yes,_ " Charlie says and he's stressed out because his parents are out for Halloween and if we don't find Scott, he won't be able to get back into his house. "Where did you look?"

"Kitchen, living room etcetera. Downstairs basically," I say. But Scott wasn't the only one I was looking for. He said he'd be here, so where is he?

"Bathrooms too?" Charlie asks and he moves out of the way to let someone go up the stairs.

I nod. I checked all the available ones, and I knocked on the taken ones, no sign of Scott puking anywhere.

"Guess you know what that means," I sigh and I nod up the stairs.

No one wants to be checking the upstairs at any party, who knows what you might walk in on.

"Great," Charlie says unenthusiastically and then he takes one step towards the stairs. "See you in 10?"

I nod. 

At this point, it'll be a miracle if we find him.

***

Charlie's checking one side of the house upstairs and I'm checking the other. Walking into open rooms, knocking on closed ones, asking one question, 'Scotty, you in there?'

I have an advantage over Charlie, I've been here before. I check rooms that he probably would have never found.

I check out of the bedrooms that Bryce usually keeps locked. It's open.

But when I walk in, it's empty. Bryce was probably here not long ago and he forgot to lock the door behind him. 

But just as I'm about to turn on my heel, I hear someone puking in the bathroom. The only entrance to that bathroom is through the bedroom and I try to remember if Scott knew about this room.

"Scotty?" I call out but I get no response apart from more retching noises.

Fucking gross.

But being the good friend that I am, I walk over to the bathroom. The door isn't locked, it's not even closed and I see someone crouching down over the toilet bowl.

"Winn?" 

He sharply turns his head towards me and I see his red eyes and cheeks, he doesn't look good. He's been a mess ever since he came back on Tuesday.

"What's up with you?" I ask. He opens his mouth to answer but then he turns his head back towards the toilet bowl and he vomits again.

I've seen Charlie take care of vomiting Scott before, many times actually. But I just left that to Charlie, I never had to do this shit myself.

He pauses for a moment and then he spits into the toilet bowl. "Diego had me playing that stupid game," he groans and then he brings his head down to rest his chin on the toilet seat.

If this was anyone else, I would have been out the door long ago, there's a limit to how much of this I can take. But it's not just anyone. It's Winn.

"How much did you drink?" I ask and he chuckles lightly. 

I want him to be okay. We can talk about what happened in his bedroom later, that doesn't seem relevant at the moment. I just need to take care of him.

"Just a bit," he mumbles and I roll my eyes because that's obviously a lie. I need to get him out of here. "But I...I've had some painkillers too."

I want to ask him how dumb he had to be to mix alcohol and pain killers but I don't, it won't help.

"For fuck's sake," I mutter under my breath. I've never been this glad to be sober at a party. "Wait here, I'll get someone."

And it's not like he can move, but I'm just telling him because I want him to know that I'll be coming back.

"Don't leave me here," he protests and he turns his head to look at me again. Saliva on his chin. Lovely.

"I'll just-"

"Bryce said he'll be back soon," he cuts me off and I stop and I back away from the door.

"Bryce?"

Fuck. What if he does know something after all? I can feel my blood turning cold and my body starts to freeze just thinking about what Bryce could do if he knew.

"He said I didn't look well and all the other bathrooms were taken," he slurs and he doesn't even sound like he knows what he's saying.

I need to talk to Bryce. And I also need to find Scott. But I can't just leave Winston here.

Fuck. What to do. What to do.

"Just...wait here, alright?" I try again. Charlie will know what to do. "I'll be back in a minute."

I close the door to the bathroom and the door to the bedroom behind me. Fiding Charlie proves to be much easier than finding Scott, I see him almost straight away. He's walking down the corridor and he's looking around like he's searching for something. Fuck, he hasn't found Scott either?

"'You find him?" I shout to Charlie and immediately his eyes meet with mine.

He quickens his pace and nods. And then I see the look on his face. He looks shaken up, white as paper.

"What's up with you?" I ask and I wonder when I became the mother of the group. Looking after people is not my forte.

"I...erm..." he trails off and he looks around like he can't look me in the eye.

"So where's Scott?" I ask and I look behind Charlie to see if maybe Scott is somewhere, trailing along behind him. He's not.

"Listen. Monty..." Charlie says and he looks like he doesn't even know where to begin. 

What could he have possibly seen that has-

"Did you...walk in on him?" I ask and I can't help but grin. 

Charlie looks at me and then he nods slowly. "Yeah. I did."

"Well, that explains it then. Scott is okay, Charlie is okay (a bit shook up but okay) so there's only one person left on that list.

"Monty I need to-"

"I found Winston," I interrupt him because frankly, I don't care what he needs right now.

His eyebrows raise in surprise. "You did?"

He doesn't ask any stupid questions, just acts like this is normal. Maybe for him it is.

"I don't think he's okay," I tell him and I slowly walk back to the bedroom with Charlie following close behind. "I just found him vomiting and he says he's taken painkillers and I-"

"Monty. Relax," Charlie tells me as I open the door to the bedroom and I let him go in first making sure to lock the door behind us in case Bryce tries to come back.

"I just...I can't leave him here, you know?" I say and Charlie opens the door to the bathroom.

He's not crouching over the toilet bowl anymore. He's passed out on the floor, cheek touching the tiled floor, one arm still resting on the toilet seat.

Fuck. Fuck. _Fuck._

Charlie's the first to react, he rushes towards Winston and tries to wake him up while I stand there like an idiot.

I shouldn't have left him.

"What are you doing?" I ask Charlie because Winston is unconscious and he's trying to pick him up.

Charlie lightly slaps Winston on the cheek, he doesn't stir. So he does it again, harder.

I know he's trying to help, but he's going to hurt him if he doesn't stop.

"Stop it, you're hurting him!" I shout at Charlie but at that moment Winston's eyes flutter open and he mutters something.

"You're gonna be okay," Charlie tells him shortly and I'm glad he's here because I can barely think nevermind move.

Winston says something again but I can't hear him, I just see his lips moving and then he closes his eyes again.

Charlie looks up at me and then back at Winston. "Yeah, he's here. Monty's here," he tells Winston and I feel my heart do a double flip.

He was asking for me.

"So what do we do now?" I ask and I try to sound as calm as possible but all I can think about is that he asked for me. 

Me. Because he needs me.

"We can take him back to my house."

***

Scott is too sober for my liking. He doesn't even look like he's had one drink, so what was he doing all this time and why didn't he answer our texts?

He doesn't say that he hasn't had anything to drink but he offers to drive so it's not that easy to put two and two together.

He glanced at Winston in the back seat with me when he got into the car but he didn't say anything. He gave me a questioning look but I looked away, I couldn't care less what he thinks.

It's really awkward in the car, dead silent. I notice that Charlie keeps on glancing at Scott, probably still thinking about what he walked in on, and every time he does, Scott grips the steering wheel even tighter.

I tried to sit as far away from Winston as I could, I could still tell Scott he was just a friend and I was worried about him if he asked later.

But Winston's making it really hard for me to spin the 'just friends' lie.

First, he put his head on my shoulder and then his hand somehow landed on my knee, I didn't have the heart to push him away but I didn't hold his hand either.

I don't think I'm ready for public hand-holding yet.

But now he's pushing it. His head is resting in my lap and I have to hold onto him in case he falls off or something, there's no seat belt holding him down.

"Did I vomit?" Winn now asks me and Charlie glances back at us but he doesn't stare.

"Mhm."

Winn sighs and he closes his eyes. "Fuck."

He looks and feels kind of sweaty and some of his hair is plastered to his forehead and I wish I could brush it away. But I can't, not with Charlie and Scott around.

"We can get you something to eat at Charlie's house if you're hungry," Scott says from the driver's seat. He's trying to sound casual but he's trying too hard. This is so fucking awkward.

Winston shakes his head but only I can see it. "Not hungry," he sighs. 

He's okay with me touching him now and I'm just so confused. What the hell happened before? Did I just make it up?

"How are you feeling now?" I ask him and I try not to sound too concerned, wouldn't want Scott thinking I'm soft.

I feel Winston rolls his shoulders back into my lap and he groans. "Tired."

Yeah, I would be too. He looks so worn out, so vulnerable. Someone needs to start looking after him.

I let my fingers move to his forehead and I brush a few strands away from his face and he groans softly like me touching him is making him feel better.

"You can sleep once we're at my house," Charlie says and he's looking at us, smiling. I quickly pull my hand away from Winston and Charlie raises an eyebrow as if to say 'really?'. He already knows I've done more than just touch him, he's not going to judge me.

Winston is asleep by the time we get to Charlie's house. We could carry him inside but I know that he's a light sleeper and one nudge could wake him up.

He wakes up startled when I try to move his head away from my lap.

"It's okay," I whisper to him and he seems to relax. "We're going to be inside soon."

Fortunately, he can still manage to walk somehow. He staggers a bit once we get to the stairs and I have to stand behind him just in case he slips and falls. I'' catch him, he doesn't need to worry.

Scott stays true to his words, he goes straight into the kitchen and I hear the sound of the microwave a minute or two later. We could all do with some proper food.

Charlie follows Winston and me up the stairs, I'm guiding him to Charlie's room, the room all of usually sleep in, but Charlie stops me.

"I, erm..." he says and he runs a hand through his hair. "You can take the guestroom. Both of you, I mean."

And I don't know how to react. Do I just thank him? Do I say that it's fine we can all sleep in his room? If Scott hasn't already figured it out, he will soon.

"Just...say 'thank you'. Please," Charlie says to fill the awkward silence between us. Somehow having Charlie around makes this so much less weird.

I nod and then I put my hand on Winn's shoulder and I steer him away towards the guest room.

***

I let Charlie deal with Winn, he's better at this than me and it just felt so awkward to be in the same room with both of them at the same time.

Scott is still in the kitchen, he's got four plates and four cups laid out on the table in front of him. I see that he's microwaved the leftover pizza we had before we set off for the party and he's laid out a slice on each plate. 

However, one of the plates also has an extra two toast on it, some fries and an apple. I'm guessing it's for Winn.

He's leaning against the counter, waiting for the kettle to stop boiling when I come in.

"Wow," I say and Scott almost jumps at the sound of my voice. Scott is usually the one we have to take care of, not the other way around. This is nice for a change.

Scott turns away from the kettle and he chuckles lightly when his eyes rest on the plates. "Yeah...I wasn't really sure what he'd like."

He's not asking the question that's on his mind but I can see that he really wants to.

I really thought he'd make a big deal out of this, maybe act surprised or even a bit disgusted. But he's none of those things.

"Is he gonna be okay then?" Scott asks briefly glancing back at the kettle.

I nod. "Charlie's with him now, he'll figure it out."

And an awkward silence follows because neither of us knows what to say.

Scott clears his throat and then he looks me in the eyes. Here it comes. "Is he, erm...Is he like...your boyfriend?"

I don't really know what to say to that. Boyfriend? We've never talked about being in a relationship before, it was too much pressure. We kept it light over the summer, no talk of any actual commitment ever took place.

"No," I laugh. "He's not my boyfriend."

But he's not just a friend either. I'd say that he's just some guy I fuck but we're beyond just fucking. 

I've seen him cry and I held him until he was okay again, I woke up in his bed and I had breakfast with him afterwards while he told me about his childhood. We've done so much other shit together...

"Actually," I correct myself and Scott looks up at me. "Yeah, he kind of is. I mean, I think so? We haven't really..."

"Hey," Scott interrupts me before I can start rambling. "Just curious. No pressure."

The water in the kettle finally stops boiling and Scott turns to it, both of us are relieved that we don't have to talk about it anymore.

I'm about to walk back out of the kitchen, go back and check if Charlie needs any help but Scott turns back to me.

"So is he more of a tea or a coffee kind of guy?" And it's such a normal question like it doesn't even bother him that I may be dating a guy.

I've never seen him drink anything other than chocolate milk, well, maybe except for water.

"Neither," I say. Fortunately for me, Charlie is as much a child as Winn and I know that he must have some chocolate milk somewhere.

I walk over to the fridge and I search its content where I find two bottles of cold chocolate milk hiding somewhere at the back. I take one of them out and I show it to Scott before closing the door again.

Scott grins. "Wow, never thought I'd see Monty de la Cruz care for someone like this. You must really like him."

I shrug. Like. 

Charlie used the same word just a few hours before, he got the same answer. A shrug.

I wonder what Winn would say if they asked him.

I see that Scott's looking at me still. "What?"

"I..." he sighs and he licks his lips. "I'm just thinking about all that stuff I've said to you. ABout you sucking dick and stuff."

I laugh. That's what he's thinking about, that he may have been homophobic? I don't get to judge, not after the shit I've said and done.

"I just...sorry. If it made you feel uncomfortable or something," he starts rambling on but I cut him off.

"All in the past, eh?" I say and I pat him on the shoulder.

Scott nods and he smiles. "Yeah..."

But he sounds like he's thinking about something else. I don't ask. We've all had a bit of a rough day, we're bound to be a little out of it.

"I'll see you in the morning," I say and I turn away from him.

And as I'm walking out of the kitchen, all I can think about is that I'm about to sleep with Winn by my side and my friends don't think there's anything weird about that.

I never thought this would be possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for 2k hits and all your comments and kudos. im in the process of writing the first chapter of a new wonty fan fic so keep an eye out for that


	15. Salty Food and Tears

**Chapter Fifteen**

I don't think I've slept for even a second.

I tried my best but I just couldn't. 

The air in the room was suffocating and Winn kept on snuggling up to me just making it harder for me to breathe. 

I gave up halfway through the night, got out of bed, opened the window and I sat by the window while I watched him sleep for a while. But then he mumbled something about being cold and I had to close the window and get back into bed before he could wake up properly.

It's morning now, maybe even afternoon and I'm starving. 

Winn ate all of his food last night and then he threw it up in the guest bathroom while I patted his back and told him he was gonna be okay. So then I gave him my food, he needed it more than I did.

I know that Scott and Charlie have been awake for a while now, I heard them walking down the stairs and giggling maybe half an hour ago. I'm glad they're in a good mood, pretty sure I heard them arguing about something last night. It went on for quite a while. I hope it wasn't about me.

Winn has got me trapped. His hands are under my shirt, touching my back and he's pulling me close to him like he doesn't want me to leave. I move and he tries to push me closer towards him.

I spent all night trying to think about everything and yet I still couldn't think of a reasonable explanation.

He didn't want me touching him, but he was fine with touching me. He didn't want to have sex, but he was fine with blowing me. I really don't like where I'm going with this.

I struggle trying to get out of his grip and it's kind of cute how he doesn't want to let me go.

"Fuck, Winn," I groan and I try to peel his hands off of me. 

"Stop moving," he said and he nuzzles his nose into the crook of my neck.

Fuck. The things he does to me.

"I have to _go_ ," I say and I ruffle his hair with one hand but he's still not convinced. "Bathroom."

" _Fine_ ," he sighs and he finally takes his hands off of me.

I go to the bathroom but I leave the door slightly open. I wait until I can hear him snoring lightly again and then I tiptoe past the bed and I walk out of the room.

From there on, it's easy. 

I can hear voices coming from the kitchen as I'm walking down the stairs. I stop and I try to listen to see if I can work out what they're talking about.

But the door to the kitchen is closed and I can only hear muffled voices. I think I can guess what they're talking about though.

I walk into the kitchen and they stop talking almost immediately. 

"What?" I say and look at Scott and then Charlie.

The kitchen is a mess. Dirty dishes and pans are piling up in the sink, there's flour all over the floor and it smells like burnt eggs. Charlie's got a sweeping brush and he's sweeping the floor while Scott is holding a pan over the trash can and scraping the remains of it into the trash.

"What the-"

"We tried to make pancakes," Charlie tells me and he gestures to the flour-covered floor.

"From scratch," Scott adds so I don't think they're complete idiots that can't even follow the instructions on the back of a pancake mixture.

"Right..." I say as if that explains the mess. Do they not know how to pour flour in a bowl?

Charlie resumes sweeping the floor and Scott adds the still-hot pan to the pile of dishes in the sink. Charlie's parents will not be happy.

"Sleep well?" Scott asks me and he's trying so hard to keep a straight face. But then Charlie makes eye contact with him and both of them snort.

"Idiots," I say under my breath. I spent the whole night worrying about Winn and coming up with explanations for why he was acting weird but I don't tell them that. They can think whatever they want.

My stomach rumbles and I remember why I'm there in the first place. "Have we got anything edible left?"

Scott and Charlie exchange looks and shrug. "We could order in?"

And I really don't wanna know what happened to all the food in Charlie's fridge but they better not have touched the chocolate milk.

***

"How is that even a question?" I ask and I'm not sure if they can even understand me. I've got my mouth full of food and I'm so hungry that I'd be happy to eat in silence but Charlie just finds new ways to annoy me every day.

Even Scott seems to be outraged. "What do you mean you wouldn't want to play for the Patriots?"

Charlie shrugs, he's clearly outnumbered but he's still backing up his shitty opinion. "I'm just saying. They used to be good-"

He doesn't get to finish his sentence because I get up from the couch and I tackle him to the ground. He doesn't get to talk about the Patriots like that.

" _Used_ to be good?" I ask him once I've got him in a headlock and Scott is laughing so much he can barely keep his food in his mouth.

"Okay, okay, okay," Charlie says quickly and I loosen my grip. "Fine, I'd join the- Oh. Hey Winston."

I lose my grip around Charlie's head almost immediately when I look up and I see him standing in the doorway. 

He looks okay, definitely better than last night. He's wearing the shirt he had on last night but he's also wearing the pair of shorts Charlie gave him to sleep in last night. Pretty sure he used to wear them in middle school.

I push Charlie off of me and I'm not sure what to do after. Do I sit back down on the couch or do I go up to Winn? 

His hair is a mess and it's all over the place but he still manages to look good. He's smiling at us-at me- and I'm sat on the floor staring back at him.

Scott looks from me to Winston and then he grins at Winn. "Come have breakfast with us, we ordered Thai. Monty said it was your favourite."

And was that last part really necessary? I glare at Scott as I slowly stand up from the floor but the grin doesn't come off his face.

Winston sits down in my seat so I start to move to sit next to Charlie but Scott quickly stands up.

"Come on Monty, what sort of friend would I be if I stopped you from sitting next to your boyfriend?" he teases me and he sits down next to Charlie before I can even react.

Bastard. Fucking bastard.

At this point, I would rather have him be homophobic to me. At least I'd know how to react.

Winston chuckles at Scott's comment and I don't understand why I'm so nervous to sit next to him. I spent the whole night literally glued to him and now I'm embarrassed to sit with him? It's because it's not just us, Scott and Charlie are watching.

I sit down on the edge of the couch and my heart is hammering in my chest. I need to talk to him about...that thing. But not in front of these two idiots.

Charlie watches Winn eat like he's the most fascinating thing he's ever seen and to be honest, I don't blame him.

I think I've lost my appetite. I just sit on the side and I observe what's happening in front of me. Winn is eating, taking small bites of his food but it's better than nothing, Charlie is just creepily staring at Winston and me in turn while Scott actually tries to engage him in a conversation.

I'm glad that at least Scott seems to be able to function properly and not talk about Winn and me.

But it doesn't last long.

"So how did you two meet?" Scott then asks out of nowhere and he sends a big grin my way. Well, this is about to turn very awkward very quickly.

Winston stops chewing his food and slowly he turns his head to look at me. I have no idea how many times I've apologised for that night, I've lost count.

I think Scott just brought up some bad memories I swear, I will beat him up right here and now. 

But then Winston grins at me and I relax a bit.

"We, uh," he says and he scratches the back of his head. "We met at a party."

I sigh with relief that he leaves out the details but Scott frowns. "Come on, I want the full story."

I roll my eyes but Winn laughs, I'm glad Scott's only making one of us feel awkward.

"Excuse him," I say to Winn but really I'm looking at Scott. "He hasn't been with a girl since the ninth grade so he pries on everyone else's love lives."

And I expect them to laugh and drop it, but Charlie's grin disappears and he exchanges looks with Scott. And then it's gone, gone in a split second. And then they start laughing like it never happened.

I really don't wanna know what the hell just happened.

***

Charlie hints at the fact that we should probably clean the kitchen before his parents come back so I tell them that I'm tired and even though Scott complains and groans, Charlie lets me go back to the guestroom.

I don't sleep though. I lay on top of the covers and I stare at the ceiling while I think about the fact that my conversation with Winn is inevitable now.

I hear the sound of his footsteps outside the door and he hesitates before he slowly opens the door.

I sit up on the bed to see him poking his head in through the door. "Oh. I thought you'd be asleep by now."

I don't say anything and I return to staring at the ceiling. 

He closes the door behind him and he walks over to the bed. He hesitates again but then he crawls onto the bed and he lays down next to me.

"Boyfriend, huh?" he asks with a small laugh at the end.

I can feel my face heating up and my heart rate speeding up.

I shrug. "I didn't...I mean...I don't-"

I don't even know what to say and Winston chuckles at me. 

If I don't get it out now, I never will.

"What happened last night?" I ask and he stops laughing.

He's not getting out of here until he tells me. I don't wanna pressure him into telling me anything he doesn't want to but I don't want him to be keeping secrets either.

"I don't know what you-"

"Don't give me that bullshit," I say and I sit up on the bed. He manages to keep up eye contact for about two seconds and then he looks away. "You _know_ what I'm talking about."

He sighs and he covers his face with his hands like he doesn't want me to look at him.

This is harder than I thought. "Whatever it is...you can tell me," I say and I can't believe that those words are coming out of my mouth. "You said you needed to talk to me on Tuesday and then-"

"I cancelled on Friday because I had an argument with my parents," he says slowly and he sits up on the bed. He moves up so that his back is resting against the headboard and he wraps his arms around his knees.

"An argument?" I ask and he nods. 

An argument? He didn't come because he had an _argument?_

Okay...? And what's that got to do with anything that happened on Tuesday and after that?

"I mean...when my parents said that the whole family was visiting grandad..." he says and he stops as he rests his chin on his knee. "I didn't think they meant the _whole_ family."

I'm not really sure where he's going with this but I don't interrupt him and I wait for him until he's ready to tell me the next part of the story.

"On Friday I, uh, I found out that one of my older cousins, Chester, was going to be there," he tells me. "And I threw this really big tantrum about not wanting to go...I was too upset to be able to see you."

He trails off and he looks at me from the corner of his eyes. I should probably say something.

"Why didn't you want to go?" I ask because him not being able to see me that Friday doesn't really mean much right now. He looks away and exhales deeply.

"Chester and I...when I was little he, erm, he'd make me play those games with him," he tells me and my stomach twists and turns. I don't like where he's going with this. "I, erm-"

And then his face crumbles, his lip quivers and tear starts spilling out of his eyes. He tries to hide his face by bringing his chin down to his chest and I hear the sound of muffled sobbing.

My first instinct is to put my arms around him, but I'm not sure if that's a good idea at the moment.

He doesn't look up but the sound of his sobbing quietens down and he starts speaking again. "I thought it was normal at the time, he _told_ me it was. He was...sixteen back then, I think?" he says and I feel fucking sick. I have to clench my fists or I might just break something. "I was nine."

And that's the last straw. I sink my teeth into my bottom lip in an attempt to try to control myself. But I don't think I can. I can't fucking breathe properly. Fuck, I don't think I'm breathing at all. 

"He'd want to play 'doctor' every time I came over to his house," Winston continues completely oblivious to the fact that I'm this close to murdering his cousin and anyone else who was involved. "My parents wouldn't be home so they dropped me off at his house. He was supposed to look after me."

And I thought I had it bad. I'm never going to fucking complain about my family ever again. I don't think I can take any of this anymore. I want him to be able to tell my shit like this but I don't think I can keep on listening.

But then he looks up and he smiles and I feel okay for a split second. He looks down and he sees my clenched fists and he swallows hard. "Monty..." he says and he tries to reach for my hand but I pull it away from him. 

So he looks away again and he clears his throat. "I haven't seen him in years, not since we moved here, away from grandad. But then I bumped into him on Saturday and he...he gave me this look. An all those memories I stored away...they just came rushing back."

He looks up at me and I'm trying to steady my breathing. Now would be a good time to hug him, I need to stop thinking about myself and focus on him. Being angry won't help us right now.

Slowly, I unclench my fists and I hold one arm towards him. "Can I..."

But I don't need to say anymore because he leans forward and he wraps his arms around my middle. I breathe in his shampoo and I wrap my arms around him tightly, I don't ever want to let him go.

"I couldn't sleep on Sunday night and I told my parents I was too sick to go to school on Monday," he mumbles into my chest. I'm gripping onto him so tightly that he's literally getting squashed. "Monty I can't breathe."

He laughs and I let myself relax for a moment. 

He manages to pull away from me and he looks up at me. His hand starts stroking my cheek gently and then he rests his forehead on mine. "I was going to tell you on Tuesday but then I...I kinda chickened out. And then what happened yesterday...I'm sorry about that. I didn't mean to upset you or an-"

"Shut the fuck up," I say quietly and I move my head back a little so our foreheads aren't toughing anymore. "Upset me all you want. I just want you to be okay."

He looks shocked for a second and then a giant grin appears on his face. "Yeah? Okay...boyfriend."

I shake my head at him but I can't stop smiling and then he leans forwards and he closes the gap between us by placing his lips on mine.

I rub one hand across his back as he kisses me and I kiss him back. He doesn't push me away, doesn't flinch, doesn't tell me not to touch him.

He tastes of tears and Thai food but I don't care, all that matters is that I'm kissing him and he's mine. Because no one else gets to kiss him like I do. No one else gets to hear his story and no one else gets to hold him after he cries.

And I wish we could stay like that forever.


	16. Gains and Losses

**Chapter Sixteen**

It was all going so well.

It's been a week since Winston told me what happened and he's slowly starting to get better and better every day. 

I can't see him every day because of school, football and everything else but I do manage to text him to check up on him every day.

Scott and Charlie know to keep their mouths shut in public and sometimes even in private. But when they see Winn in school, they can barely control themselves and they're bound to comment about it in school one day.

Miss Lawrence loved my essay on the book, if I ever need someone to improve my GPA to stay on the team, I'll know who to go to.

Speaking of GPAs...

He's been so focused on photography and all that bullshit that he's already failing like half of his subjects. I didn't even know he was so bad at keeping up with schoolwork.

He looked embarrassed when I found out his GPA but I wasn't about to start judging him, I just want to help.

I was supposed to come over to do something with him, but I refuse to do so until he finishes all his homework. Sometimes I think he's lazier than me.

He was halfway through his Spanish homework when he suddenly realised that I'm so good at it because I speak Spanish myself, I never should have agreed to help him.

So yeah, studying was going well up until now.

"One thing," he tells me. "Say one thing and I'll leave you alone. I'll never mention it again."

He's got my straddled on the bed again but I keep my hands by my sides, I don't want to make him uncomfortable.

"I'm not saying anything," I tell him and I laugh when he pouts.

I could just give in and say something in Spanish, but what would be the fun in that? It was getting boring just watching him write anyway.

"One thing," he repeats and he brings his face closer to mine so that our noses are almost touching.

He looks so happy, I haven't seen him smile this much in a very long time. His hair is neat and tidy and I feel like someone needs to mess it up.

"Fine, what do you want me to say?" I sigh and he frowns.

"Nu-uh," he says. " _You_ come up with something. And then I can try to understand it. That counts as studying, right?"

We both know it's just an excuse for him to kiss me without feeling guilty because he should be studying but I don't tell him that.

I sigh and I can't think of anything I can tell him. But he's waiting, his hand stroking my cheek and I can think of one thing.

 _"Besame,"_ I say and he quirks an eyebrow at me.

"What does that mean?" he asks and he looks intrigued. 

I smile and I don't say anything. Instead, I move my head upwards and I kiss him. 

I really hope it's okay with him and that he doesn't feel uncomfortable. He doesn't.

It was just a small kiss, my lips barely even touched his and our noses brush past each other but he moves his hands to the back of my head and he pushes my head forward like he doesn't want me to stop kissing him. He probably doesn't.

And I don't object. 

I've waited and I haven't pressured him into anything but it feels like he's waited longer from the way he's kissing me.

He presses his forehead against mine and he kisses me back, his mouth meeting mine like he can't get enough of me and I know the feeling.

I finally gather up the courage to pet my hands travel to his body and I pull him even closer to me but even when we're pressed together so tightly, it still feels like I'm not holding him close enough.

I have no idea where he's going with this, but then his teeth pull on my bottom lip and he leaves a small gap between our lips.

"Want you," he whispers and his voice is so horse but he doesn't wait for me to respond and he kisses me again, just as forcefully as before.

I feel a tingle moving down my spine all the way down to the pit in my stomach and I can't think straight. 

He makes it so difficult for me to think properly. 

I put one hand on his back and I slowly turn him around without breaking our kiss so that he's the one laying on the bed and I'm on top of him.

He looks at me in a way no one's ever looked at me before when I pull away and that one look is enough to scare me.

I have to look away.

I grab the hem of his shirt and I pull it over his head, anything to stop him from looking at me.

I just want to get him naked, fuck him and then get him to finish his homework. That way we both get what we want.

But he's not letting me. I want to kiss him quickly, rough but he holds my face in place with both of his hands and he kisses me like we have all the time in the world. Anything not to have to do his homework, I guess.

I feel my breathing quicken as he stars pulling at my own shirt and his hands trace my ribs, my spine, my chest. 

I can already feel my erection pressing into my jeans, trying to break free and my eyes travel to Winn's trousers. 

I have no idea what I'm doing when my hands reach for his belt. He's so skinny that he had to poke another hole into his belt.

I unbuckle his belt and I can't see his face but his hands reach out to help me undo his button and unzip his zipper.

I never thought I'd be doing this, I thought it would be more disgusting, kind of sick. But I don't feel disgusted when I wrap my hand around his cock. 

How hard can it be to jerk another guy off? I've done it to myself plenty of times, I'm sure I can do it to him.

I hear his breathing quicken as I slowly move my hand up and down. It feels so foreign to me and I'm not used to it but I know he's not going to judge me.

I let me thumb slide over the head and he gasps and pulls me back down to kiss him while my hand remains where it is.

I thought I'd have to pretend that I'm jerking myself off to get through this, but I don't need to. The thought of jerking him off makes me harder than I already am.

I've watched him jerk himself off a few times before and now I get to do it myself. 

He kisses me harder and pulls on my hair when I let my hand move faster. I add a bit of a twist and a squeeze here and there and he gasps and groans.

Fuck I just wanna make him come.

I'm not even sure if I'm doing it right but then I take a moment to look at Winn's face and he looks like he's trying his best to hold back a moan.

I want him to moan. I want to be the one to make him moan.

I force my tongue into his mouth and I trace every inch of it like I can't get enough of him.

"Fuck, Monty," he groans into my mouth and I feel his cock twitch in my hand.

I pull back, I wanna see his face when I make him lose control, when he spills right into my hand and even though he protests and tries to pull me back in, I hold him down with one hand while the other one keeps going.

"Mon...Monty. I'm gonna..." he says and I know because I can see how badly he's trying to control himself. But there's no use, his pupils widen and he bites down on his lip. He grunts and then he comes, right onto my hand. I keep going a bit slower as the white liquid shoots out of the hand and lands all over my hand covering my knuckles in white streaks.

He's fisting the bedsheets because I'm not letting him touch me or even move up to touch me and I kind of regret it now. I miss feeling his nails dig into my skin and it would have been nice to see how much this affected him. 

Oh well, we can always do it again.

I finally let go of him and I look at my hand, it doesn't even feel like my hand. My hand covered in another guy's come. My father would have a heart attack if he knew.

I'm not sure what to do with it, I kind of wanna keep it there but Winn's staring at me, waiting. So I wipe my hand on his bedsheets like I've seen him do plenty of times before. He groans like he's annoyed that he'll have to change the bedsheets again but he doesn't say anything.

And I look at his softening cock and he can't be soft, I still have so much I wanna do to him.

And he pulls me down for another kiss and when his lip traces my bottom lip, I know that he'll let me do much more.

***

I come back home and I walk inside like I haven't just fucked and jerked off Winston about ten times in a row. Back to pretending it is.

I know I smell like him and I don't just mean his perfume.

"I'm going to ask you _one_ last time!" I hear shouting from the kitchen and I think it's just another argument between mom and dad but then I hear Estella's voice.

"I told you, I-"

"What the _fuck_ is this?"

Fuck. What happened now? 

Why does he always have to ruin my mood?

They're all crammed into the small kitchen, Estella is sat at the dining table and dad is standing over her, leaning against the table. My mom, like always, is cowering in the corner, her hand over her mouth. She's been crying.

"What's going on?" I ask and my dad scoffs.

"Your sister's a whore, that's what," he says without taking his eyes off of Estella.

"I _told_ you it's not-" Estella tries to tell him but he's not listening to her. 

No one is making any sense and no one is telling me what's going on.

Estella seems to be the calmest and most collected person in the room. "What's going on 'Stella?"

She stares our father down and then she glances at me and I see that she's scared, whatever dad's accusing her of doing, it looks like she's guilty.

"Mum found-" Estella tries to tell me but the bastard cuts her off.

He slams his hand against the table and then he stands up straight and turns his body to look at me. "Your mother found _this,_ at the bottom of the trash can," he says. He reaches to the side and he picks up a small box or something and then he holds it up to my face.

My heart stops. A pregnancy test packaging.

"And your sister says-"

"It's mine."

The words are out of my mouth before I know it and all three of them stare at me like I've gone mad.

 _"What?_ " my dad shouts and he looks like he's about to hit me any moment now, he thinks I'm fucking around with him.

"I mean," I say quickly ad I back away in case he tries to take a swing at me. "I bought it. For my girlfriend. Natalie? Remember Natalie mom? I was taking her to homecoming?"

I'm grasping at straws here, stitching up various different lies into one big lie and somehow they fit together like it was always meant to come to this.

I see my dad relax when my mom backs up my story with a small nod, he has to look away and then he exhales. _"So?_ Is she pregnant or not?"

And his voice isn't as rough and as criticising as it was with Estella. I look at her now, sitting at the table. She looks so fucking relieved but she better know that she's gonna answer every single one of my fucking questions once we're out of here. 

A pregnancy test? What the hell is she thinking?

I shake my head. "I...I was just with her." Strengthening my alibi and my story at the same time. "She's not pregnant."

I see relief flush my dad's face and even my mom looks like she might cry tears of joy any minute. I wish I could feel what they're feeling.

I think my dad's just relieved that his daughter isn't a 'whore' after all and that his son isn't as gay as he thought he was. Yeah dad, of course, I fuck girls. 

Estella stands up from the table and no one stops her, dad looks a bit embarrassed but he doesn't look like he's going to apologise.

Estella barges past me and I go after her before my dad gets the chance to force me to sit with him and tell him about my imaginary girlfriend.

"Estella!" She runs up the stairs before I can stop her and I have to run after her. "Estella!"

"Leave me alone!"

She manages to get to her room in time but I can run too and I put my foot between the door before she gets the chance to lock it.

"What the fuck?" I say as she tries to push me out by closing the door. "You're pregnant?"

She knows she has to give it up before one of us breaks the door. "Shut _up!"_ she hisses at me and she looks towards the stairs like she expects dad to have followed us.

I push past her and I stand in her room while she locks the door behind her.

"I'm not pregnant," she says quickly so that's at least one less thing to worry about.

"But you thought you were?" She looks away and I sigh. "With who?"

And I know it shouldn't concern me but it does if they can't protect themselves. They might not be this lucky next time and I don't want my little sister to be a teenage mom.

"I said, who is he?" I ask again and she scoffs. _"Estella!"_

I'll go and speak to the bastard myself, make sure he understands how condoms work. Fuck, this is weird to think about. I'll get Charlie and Scott and we can-

"Scott. Alright?" she says quietly and I'm not sure if I've heard her correctly,

"What?" I say and I almost laugh. I laugh. Because the thought of my best friend and my little sister together...

"Yes, your best friend," she spits at me but I still don't believe her. She can't be serious.

"No. You're lying. I..."

Scott wouldn't. He just wouldn't. Not my sister.

But then it all starts to make sense, the sneaking around, never having any time to hang out with us and always disappearing off to somewhere when Charlie and I had practice. he knew my schedule, he always knew where I was gonna be. It was easy for him to meet up with Estella without me knowing.

He fucking used me.

I trusted him and he...

He's fucking dead to me.


	17. Future Conversations

**Chapter Seventeen**

I skip morning weights because I don't want to see Charlie before I get to see Scott. 

He'll sense that something is wrong and then he'll ask until I tell him. And when I do, he'll try to talk me out of it.

But I've already made my mind up.

God, I was so fucking blind.

He _told_ me that he knew about my dad hitting me with the bottle because he spoke to Estella.

I wonder what else she told him. And what _he_ told _her_.

Charlie is waiting for me by my locker, already got his 'where were you' speech prepared.

"Where is he?" I ask him and I look around because he should be here now, meeting us at my locker like he does every morning.

Charlie looks confused and his eyebrows furrow. "Who?"

"Scott _fucking_ Reed," I say and Charlie looks scared now.

My sister is a _child._ She doesn't know what she's doing and Scott shouldn't be using our friendship to get to Estella. 

He's so fucking disgusting.

He _knew_ it was wrong. Why else would he keep it from me?

And he had the nerve to sit there and pretend he was still heartbroken over some girl he used to date in ninth grade.

"You know," Charlie says quietly and I stare at him.

What is he-

_"What?"_

"About Estella?" he confirms and he can't look me in the eyes.

He knew.

No. This can't be happening.

Charlie fucking knew and he lied. They all lied to me.

I told them my biggest secret and they sat there and lied to me.

I have no friends left.

"How long?" I ask him and Charlie looks so guilty, I know he regrets not telling me. "How _long_ have you _known?"_

He shrugs and he sighs defeatedly. "The Halloween party. When I went to look for him...I walked in on him and Estella arguing and I-"

"Shut the fuck up," I tell him because I can't listen any longer. I can't fucking listen to any of their lies anymore. 

The people around us are starting to realise that something is wrong, I'm pacing up and down, hands tugging at my hair, screaming my head off at Charlie. God, I must look like a right psycho.

Scott better not show-

"Hey!"

But of course, he fucking shows up. 

I look at him, study his face. He's fucking grinning, probably glad that he hasn't knocked up my sister. He probably still thinks I'm clueless, that they got away with it.

I would have thought that Estella would tell him that I know now. Maybe she did. I don't know. I don't care.

But then Scott sees my face he stops between the two rows of lockers in the middle of the hallway.

"Monty don't, he didn't-" Charlie tries to hold onto me but what's he gonna do? He can barely tackle me in practice nevermind hold me back from a fight, not when I'm this angry. This fucking _livid._

"You fucking piece of shit," I say and I've got my fists full of Scott's jacket and I push him against the lockers opposite mine.

The people around us move out of the way and I have to be quick if I don't want a teacher to break us up before I can even start.

"She's my fucking _sister_ you sick pervert," I shout in his face and I've got my arm pressing down on his chest.

I don't even want to think about how those two got together. What, little Estella went to Scott to talk about how her big brother and her father fought all the time and innocent little Scotty took the opportunity and-

Fuck. How could I have been blind to this?

"Monty-"

"Shut the _fuck_ up!" I shout and Scott looks past my shoulder (probably at Charlie) for help. I grab him by the chin and I turn his head to face me. "You fucking _look_ at me when I talk to you."

Scott's got no chance to push me off, I'm stronger, angrier. I could beat him to a pulp without breaking a sweat. I should.

"What on earth..." I hear Zach's voice behind me and before I know it, Zach's arms are around my middle and he's trying to pull me off of Scott.

I should have thrown a punch when I had the chance.

"Fuck _off!"_ I try to get out of Zach's grasp but he's holding onto me tight and then Charlie rushes over to help. He doesn't really do much but he's able to hold my arm back so I can't hit anyone while they're dragging me away.

Scott doesn't know what to do. He stands there by the lockers and I see that his hands are trembling.

"Fucking stay away from her! Stay away from my sister," I shout but I don't think he's taking it in. He looks dazed as he looks around the hallway. 

Zach and Charlie are both saying something to me but I don't listen to them because all I can focus on is Scott.

And I didn't even get to hit him.

***

Zach has been around before, we kind of used to be friends. So he was here and he witnessed all the fights Bryce got me out of. 

He's using a mixture of Bryce's tactic and his own to try to get me to calm down.

He's been walking me to all my lessons just in case I bump into Scott or Charlie in the hallway by accident because we both know how that will end.

He ditches Alex to sit with me at lunch. I keep on searching the cafeteria to see if I can spot those two fuckers but they're nowhere to be seen.

"Come on Monty, let it go," he tells me and he drinks the milk out of his carton like he doesn't have a care in the world.

All the muscles in my body are tense. I really should have hit him.

"How would you feel if let's say, Alex, started sleeping with your sister? Probably manipulating her too and keeping it secret from you?" I know that I sound like a madman but I just can't think properly.

I barely slept last night and just thinking about how the three people I trusted most in the world betrayed me...

Okay, maybe not Estella. She probably didn't even know what she was doing.

"Frist of all, my sister's twelve," Zach tells me and I roll my eyes at how he's not even understanding why this is bothering me so much. "And second of all, don't you think Estella's old enough to think for herself? Scott's a good guy, don't you think you're over-"

"Fuck off," I say quietly because if I listen to one more second of it, my head will burst. 

I put my head in my hands and I try to regulate my breathing. My head is throbbing and I can't focus on anything else apart from the pain.

Can everyone just leave me the fuck alone? I don't need people to give me their opinions on what Scott did. It's wrong. It's fucking wrong and they don't get a say.

"You okay man?" Zach asks and he reaches across the table to put his hand on my shoulder.

"Peachy," I tell him and I uncover my face before he starts thinking that I'm crying. 

I look around the cafeteria to see if anyone saw me but no one is looking. No one except for one guy.

And my heart stops because he doesn't look happy. He's not happy with me. 

Fucking fuck.

Anyone but him.

"I, uh, I gotta go to the bathroom," I say and I stand up slowly. My legs are shaking, why are they shaking?

Zach eyes me suspiciously and he looks to where I'm staring but he can't spot Scott and Charlie so he lets it go. "Okay, just don't...fight anyone."

I fucking hope we don't fight.

Winn sees me slowly making my way towards him and he nods to his right and then he starts walking. I already know where he's taking me.

He disappears into the crowd of people even though I try my best to keep my eye on him and then I don't see him again until I finally reach the room.

The frog room as he calls it.

The door is wide open and he's waiting for me by one of the desks at the front.

I sigh softly before going in and I try to read his expression.

His eyes don't leave mine as I walk into the room and I close the door behind us. 

He doesn't say anything, not for the first few seconds anyway. And then he sighs and he looks kind of...sad?

"What's up with you?" he asks softly and he's definitely not angry with me.

"I..." I don't know. Where do I begin? Where do I end?

"You look like you haven't slept all night," Winn tells me and he tilts his head at me. "You should sleep."

I know I should and I would love to. But with the amount of adrenaline and anger that's pumping through my body, I don't think I'll be able to sleep for months.

He just sits there and he stares at me and I think he's expecting me to say something.

"I...The fight - I mean," I say and that one sentence is an accurate representation of what's been going on in my head since last night when I found out.

"I don't care about the fight," he says and my eyebrows furrow. 

"You...don't?" I start to think about what he means by that. Is he...giving up on me? Did he finally have enough of me?

"Not at the moment, no," he says and I'm even more confused. He sighs and he shakes his head at me. "God...you really need to sleep."

Yes, we already went through that.

But Winn looks around the room and then he peels himself off of the table and he walks towards me. "Come on."

He steps past me and he reaches for the door handle and all I can do is stare at him. What the hell is he doing?

"Come on," he repeats and he opens the door slightly. "You can leave first. I'll meet you in the parking lot in, let's say, five minutes?"

How can being around him make everything else easy but being with him makes things difficult?

"Where are we going?" I ask and I'm almost laughing now and even Winn has a stupid grin on his face.

"We're skipping school to sleep," he tells me confidently. "So say goodbye to all your friends and-"

"Don't have any left," I say but that doesn't seem to matter, not when he's here.

"Well then, what are you waiting for?" he asks and he doesn't ask any questions about the fight, he doesn't ask about Scott but he doesn't need to for me to know that he cares.

I wish I could kiss him before walking out of the door but I can't be risking it. Scott is probably already spreading rumours about me fucking guys around the whole school.

"Five minutes," I remind him and then I'm out of the door.

***

I'm not sure how long I've slept.

When I wake up, I have the covers wrapped around me and Winston is sitting cross-legged next to me on top of the duvet.

He's reading a book and I see that it's the book I wrote my essay on. He's already halfway through it.

"Hey," I say. My voice is raspy and he looks up from the book and smiles at me. "Good book?"

He puts the book away to the side and then he looks me up and down. "How are you feeling?"

I stretch under the covers and I shrug. "Fine? Just slightly less tired."

"Slightly?" he asks with a slight raise of his eyebrows and I start to worry.

"What time is it?" How long have I been asleep for?

He checks the time on his phone. "Just past four."

Past four...so I've been asleep for just over three hours. 

I rub my eyes to get the sleep out of them and Winston watches me with a small smile on his face.

"You're a bad influence," I tell him. 

He really just convinced me to skip school to sleep. I don't remember falling asleep, but I do remember him laying behind me and stroking my hair while he listened to me talking about Scott and Charlie.

He laughs. "Only for you."

I roll my eyes at how soft he's being but I grin all the same.

"Zach was texting you," Winston then tells me and I sit up properly. Fuck. Just past four.... not only did I skip school, but I also skipped practice. And morning weights as well...

Zach has every right to be mad at me and tell the coach to bench me for our next game. We've only got three games left and I _need_ to play all of them.

I groan and I push my hair back with my hands.

"I told him you needed a day off to, you know, 'figure your shit out'," he tells me and my eyebrows furrow.

_"You_ told him?" I ask him, how stupid is he to blow our cov-

"Well, _you_ did." He reaches over to his bedside table and he picks up my phone. He turns it on and unlocks it (how does he know my password?) and then he holds it out towards me.

I read the text messages, it really does sound like something I'd write.

I lay back down. There's no point going anywhere now, the team isn't expecting me to show up, my dad isn't expecting me home until at least six and Estella wouldn't tell them about me bailing on school, not after I covered for her.

Winston puts my phone to the side and he moves down the bed and lays next to me, or more like on me. He rests his head on my chest and he brings his leg up to wrap it around mine.

I sigh. "When are your parents coming home?"

If we had the house to ourselves...but his parents are at work and they should be back soon.

I'm glad that he's not forcing me to talk about Scott or Estella or anyone else. I know we'll have to talk about it later, just not now.

"Soon," he tells me and he kisses my shoulder and then he looks up at me and grins. "You wanna meet them?"

I'm not sure if he's joking or not, probably is, but my heart starts pounding all the same.

We still haven't really talked about 'us'. We do all those things together...but we haven't really said if this is a relationship or not. Just that one word could change everything.

Me. In a relationship. With a guy.

And then the moment is gone and I can't say 'yes' anymore because he just tilts his head upwards and kisses me.

Our lips briefly make contact and then he pulls away and rests his head on my shoulder.

And he goes silent. He sometimes has those moments where he just zones out for a moment and I can see it on his face that he's thinking about his cousin. 

I don't bring it up, if he wants to talk to me about it, then he will. 

We stay like that for a few minutes and I can feel myself falling asleep when suddenly there's the sound of the front door opening.

"Fuck," I say and I have to nudge Winn awake because he's fallen asleep on me.

"Huh?" He looks around as I get off the bed and I gesture towards the door.

Footsteps. 

"Winston? Winnie sweetie would you-"

But before either of us can react, the door opens and a woman who looks to be in her fifties walks into the room. She looks like the female version of Winn, just older.

She notices Winn laying on the bed first and then her eyes travel to me and I freeze.

Fuck.

Winston is the first to react, he slides off the bed and he walks over to stand in front of his mum. "Yes?"

I wish I could act as casually as him. But then he glances back at me and I see that he's not relaxed at all. He looks apologetic even.

"I...I was just going to say that I brought dinner," Winn's mother says and she doesn't sound fazed. Why isn't she bothered? Why is she acting like this is normal? Maybe she's used to this.

"Do you and your boyfriend want to-"

"He's not my boyfriend," Winston says quickly and he shoots me a worried look like he expects me to just run out of there.

But I'm not going to. 

"Not yet," I add and I'm not sure who looks more surprised, Winn, his mom, or me. "I do have to get going though. But, erm, thank you for the...invite."

I'm so fucking awkward but they don't seem to mind.

Winston is grinning from ear to ear and Winn's mother gives me a small nod. "Maybe next time then."

"Yeah," I say but I'm looking at Winn. "I'd like that."

Meeting his parents? I'm not ready for it and I don't think he is either. I don't want to rush us into things.

We just need to figure some stuff out first. Especially me.


	18. Shut Off

**Chapter Eighteen**

Estella's not speaking to me. She said I embarrassed her in front of the whole school.

She's been embarrassing me for months by meeting up with Scott behind my back, we've got a long way to go before we can be even.

Charlie waited for me by my locker this morning, I walked past him without as much as a glance.

But Charlie doesn't give up easily, especially not when he feels bad. 

He's been trying to talk to me at lunch and then during football and after in the locker room. I didn't even shower, I got changed and I was out of there before anyone could stop me.

English now. 

I don't really wanna brag but I feel like I really am Miss Lawrence's favourite. She's been trying her best to help me with my English grade and she's certain that I am going to graduate if I keep this up. I can only hope.

The hallways are empty because most people are still in class, I've never been early to a lesson.

I stop by the door because Miss Lawrence is not alone.

"Yes, Scott, I understand but I can-"

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

I've tried avoiding him and he just made it easier by avoiding me too all day. But now here we are, in the same classroom.

Miss Lawrence is sat on her desk and Scott is standing in front of her and they turn their heads to look at me.

"Well?" I ask and I raise my eyebrows at him.

I thought that seeing him would be a bit easier now. Just like seeing Charlie got easier. But Charlie didn't sleep with my sister, he just kept it a secret from me.

Miss Lawrence obviously heard about the fight, pretty sure everyone has. "Boys. Why don't we just-"

"'You stalking me now?" I ask Scott and he scoffs. Okay, yes, we have similar schedules and we're both in this lesson but he doesn't need to be here right now.

"Not everything's about you," he says with a slight raise of his eyebrows. 

I really should have beaten the shit out of him yesterday.

I take a few steps towards him but he's not as disorientated or as dazed as he was yesterday and he stands his ground.

"You're practically begging me to hit you right now," I say and it's easy to intimidate him because of his height.

And what's the worst that could happen if I did hit him right now? Lawrence wouldn't be able to separate us and by the time she went to get a teacher, I would already be done with Scott.

But I don't have time to even think about hitting him because there's a loud ringing noise.

At first, I think it's the bell signalling for lessons to be over. But then the alarms start blaring and I see the panic on Miss Lawrence's face.

I know what that means.

We're under lockdown.

***

Lawrence has us sitting in opposite corners of the room. I'm pretty sure that everyone is supposed to stay huddle in one place when a lockdown is in place, but she probably thinks we're more dangerous to each other than any school shooter at the moment.

I'm sat facing the wall and so is he, eye contact is dangerous.

"It's a drill Scotty, don't piss your pants," I shout across the room. I know how panicky Scott can get about stuff like this.

Even though I can't see him, I can just imagine him rolling his eyes at me right now.

"Lower your voices," Lawrence tells us and I'm pretty sure she'd rather be anywhere but here.

Winn texted me almost as soon as the lockdown started, he's with Zach so he should be fine. I could call him and stay on the phone with him while we're under lockdown, but I can't. Not with Scott and Lawrence in the room.

I've texted Estella but she hasn't replied. Even when there's a possibility that we could die, she's still ignoring me. She's a stubborn girl. But I'm worried about her.

"Can you text Estella? Check if she's okay?" I ask Scott even though I don't want to. But desperate times yada yada.

She's more likely to answer a text from Scott than from me.

I hear Scott scoff. "We're not together."

"Yeah, I should hope so," I say but I'm glad to hear that he at least had the decency to end it. "But can't yo-"

"No. What I mean is...we've been broken up for a few weeks now," Scott tells me and I frown. A few weeks? But...

"We broke up a few days before Halloween," Scott tells me now. "But then she saw me at that Halloween party and she thought she was...you know. And we just ended up arguing over there. She didn't want to take a pregnancy test."

I don't really know what to say to that so I grunt. But the atmosphere in the room seems to be lighter like most of the tension has disappeared.

But Scott's not finished. He's taking this opportunity to apologise because neither of us can get out of here. We're stuck with each other.

"I know what I did was wrong, she's your younger sister and I understand why you reacted the way you did," he continues and now it's my turn to scoff. I should have reacted way harsher than I did. He deserves a black eye.

"You shouldn't punish Charlie for what I did," Scott adds with a sigh. "He wanted to tell you. He was going to tell you. The night you..."

The night I introduced Winn to them. The night before he told me about his cousin. 

I remember Charlie after he said he walked in on Scott and someone else, he said he had something to tell me. He really did want to tell me.

But he didn't. I've been his friend longer than anyone else has, he wouldn't even be friends with Scott if it wasn't for me. So why would he choose to keep Scott's secret?

"So why _didn't_ he tell me?"

Scott sighs. "I convinced him not to. Said it was over between Estella and me and you wouldn't find out. So there was no point bringing it up and running shit between us."

I snort. I never would have found out if it wasn't for the pregnancy test. If only my mother didn't go around digging in the trash for shopping receipts...I never would have known. We would still be friends.

But I did find out. And he was going to keep it secret.

I'm sitting closer to the door than him, he's on the other side of the room. So when someone starts pulling on the door handle, I almost jump out of my skin.

"Holy-"

I get down from the chair and I move back a little.

I look back and I see Scott and Lawrence looking at me worriedly.

"Monty!" Lawrence shouts to me and she gestures for me to come over to the side that she and Scott are on. If anything happens to me, it would be on her for putting me so close to the door.

I don't care about being near Scott now, I don't care about any of that bullshit. Not right now.

***

Estella finally replies once I tell her that this might not be a drill after all.

I hear that she's scared, it sounds like she might be crying over the phone but there's no point in pointing it out. I need to at least sound calm for her.

"Listen to me, you're going to be okay," I tell her. "Just make sure to stay safe."

"I will," she tells me and she tries to muffle the sound of a sob with a laugh. "...Monty?"

Scott is sitting next to me, shoulders touching. We're sat under a table and I'm pretty sure he can hear my whole conversation with Estella. Estella doesn't know that I'm with him, she'd just worry more if she knew.

"Yeah?" 

"You know I love you, right?" she says and then she chuckles like she can't believe she just said that. "I mean, even when we argue...I still love you and-"

"I know," I tell her quietly and I feel a knot in my stomach. She really is scared and that just makes me even more nervous. "I-I...Love you too."

I say and we both laugh at the same time. We're a mess.

We say goodbye over the phone and I hang up before she has the chance to make me cry. I won't let myself cry in front of Scott.

I exhale deeply and I rub my hands down my face. 

I'm not going to let myself text Winn. He'll just panic and I don't want to worry him. But I also don't want to not talk to him. if something does happen to him...

I can't think about that. I won't let myself.

"You okay?" Scott asks me and I pull my hands away from my face. Scott's trying to keep calm but his hands and legs are trembling. I can feel him shaking against me.

Lawrence is sat under another table and she's staying away from us, letting us work our own shit out.

"Yeah, fine," I say and then I hesitate. "You?"

Scott shrugs. "Me too. Fine."

But we're both lying. I turn to look at him and our eyes lock together for a few seconds. And then we burst out laughing.

There's nothing to laugh at but what else are we supposed to do. It's strained, nervous laughter because we both have no idea what's going to happen next.

"The fact that it takes a school shooter and a chance of you dying for us to work our shit out..." he says and we laugh again. It's not funny. It's actually kind of sad but I'd rather laugh than cry.

"Who said we've worked our shit out?" I tease him but we both know that whatever happened yesterday, or even an hour before, is all forgotten. It seems like a whole lifetime ago that I had him pushed up against that locker.

Our laughter dies down and then we just sit there, enjoying the silence because it's better than listening to the bullets shooting outside.

"You know, I did love her. Estella," Scott says suddenly and I'm not keen on talking about this but might as well. 

I scoff. Did he though? Or was she just a younger girl that he could easily manipulate.

"Still do," Scott adds quietly and he sighs and turns his head to look at me. "She's the one that broke it off."

I nod slowly. I don't feel like finding out what dating my sister is like, especially not from my best friend.

I don't ask why, but he tells me anyway.

"I think it was getting too serious for her. I said I wanted to finally go public, not have to sneak around anymore. And I didn't want to lie and keep it a secret from you," he tells me but I'm not sure if I believe him.

He could just be saying this now but who knows what really happened.

So I just nod and he doesn't say anything else.

***

Charlie tells us that he's fine but there's some kind freaking out in the locker room and Justin and Diego are arguing about something.

"Wow, aren't I glad I got out of there," I say once Scott hangs up on Charlie and Scott chuckles.

"Yeah, I'm glad you're here," he says and I raise an eyebrow at him. I can stand anything, just not Scott getting all sentimental on me. "You know...if this is our last day, I'm happy-"

"Shut up Scotty," I tell him quickly and he laughs. We're not good at expressing our feelings, either of us. But I know what he's trying to say. "But...me too."

I manage to steal a glance at Lawrence and she's grinning at us. At least one good thing came out of this whole mess.

We might die today. And even though I'm not okay with that, I've made up with Scotty, Charlie and Estella. But I can't help but think that if I _do_ die, there's just so much shit I'll regret not doing.

I'll never get to see Winn ever again, I'll never meet his parents, I'll never be able to take him to that place...

Fuck. We've wasted so much time on irrelevant shit. We still are.

"I kind of met Winn's parents yesterday," I now tell Scott and I'm not sure what's gotten into me to just starting talking bout it so casually. But I have nothing to lose anymore.

"Kind of?" Scott asks and I briefly explain what happened last night. 

"I guess that's one way to make an impression," Scott chuckles and I sigh.

I know he's had boyfriends before, but he said he's never introduced any of them to his parents. I was his first.

We need to stop wasting time.

***

I knew it was a drill. 

"It was so obvious," Scott says as we walk out of the building along with everyone else. Some people have been crying, some people are hugging their friends but all I'm doing is looking for one person.

"Right?" I agree with Scott as we walk towards my car where Charlie is already waiting. I think he's talking to someone but he sees us and he seems relieved to see that Scott and I haven't killed each other.

"Blank bullets? Everyone knew it wasn't a real school shooter," Scott tells me and he shakes his head disapprovingly like he can't believe anyone would actually think that it was real.

We certainly didn't.

"Are we cool?" I ask Scott even though I feel like he should be the one asking.

Scott stops and he looks at me uncertainly. "I think? I don't know man, I think you should be the one to decide." 

Scott's been my best friend for a while now. And even though he lied to me and dated my sister behind my back, he was always there for me whenever I needed him. I can't just throw all of that away. I held onto my friendship with Bryce, I'm pretty sure I can forgive Scott just this once.

"Yeah, man," I say and Scott grins. "We're cool."

They broke up, it's over now. There's no need to hang onto it.

We're closer to my car and I can now see the person that Charlie is talking to.

"Winn?"

He looks fine for someone who just spent an hour or two in lockdown with Zach Dempsey. But he also looks...

"Are you high?" I ask him and he grins at me showing off his teeth.

"I...Scott and I have to be somewhere else," Charlie says and he starts to walk away from Winn.

"We do?" Scott asks but Charlie grabs him by the arm and starts to drag him away from us.

Not smooth at all.

We're standing behind my car and no one can really see us, this doesn't look that suspicious.

"I missed you," Winn tells me and he pouts. He steps forwards like he's about to hug me but I step back.

I quickly look around to see if anyone saw. I don't think they did.

Winn's eyebrows furrow and he looks annoyed for a moment. He needs to understand that there's a difference between what we can do in public and what we do in private.

"Do you...need a ride home?" I ask him because there's no way in hell I'm letting him drive with the state he's in. 

He shakes his head and he runs a hand through his hair. "I actually have to stay back for some stuff with Tyler," he tells me quietly and he clears his throat. "I just came to see if you were okay."

I nod because I can't really do or say anything else. Not here. "Yeah. I'm okay."

He nods too but he's looking down at the ground and then he sighs. "That's good."

"Yeah," I say and I don't understand why he's suddenly acting like this, so distant. Maybe he knows that it's better not to grin too much at me in public.

"I'll see you then," he tells me and he walks past me without as much as a glance towards me, doesn't even pat my shoulder or anything. 

Okay.

Good.

Wouldn't want to seem suspicious.

He understands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first of all, thank you so much for all the support that you guys are giving me. i dont always have the motivation to post and sometimes i really dislike a chapter but your comments really make me happy and motivated.
> 
> ive posted the first chapter of my other wonty au fan fiction if youd like to check that out, ill try to upload as regularly as possible  
> again, thank you for all the kind comments and support


	19. Charlie Lost the Bet

**Chapter Nineteen**

I know I fucked up.

Winn's making it obvious that I've done something to upset him.

And I continue to fuck up every day that I spend not apologising to him.

I still don't know what exactly I did, but I have a few ideas.

He cancelled on me on Friday and now it's Saturday and he's not responding to my 'do you wanna hang out' texts.

We're having breakfast at Charlie's house because we still need to prepare for our last two football games. We're gonna reach playoffs, there's no doubt.

"Listen, you release and then-" Scott is telling Charlie as we sit around his dining table because there are no distractions in the dining room. "Monty, are you even listening?"

Maybe his wifi is bad or something. Or maybe he lost his phone. He's probably still sleeping. He'll read the message soon.

Delivered.

I have the rest of the day off, I can't just waste it. I need to see h-

"Monty!"

"Huh?"

I look up from my phone and they're both staring at me. Great. Friend intervention incoming.

"What did you do?" Charlie asks me with a slight raise of his eyebrows.

I frown. Why do they always assume I'm the one who messed up?

"Nothing. I-"

And Scott reaches over the table and snatches the phone out of my hand before I even get the chance to react.

He and Charlie look at the messages and analyse them like it's a poem for English. Maybe I should try writing him a poem?

He'd have to reply to that.

Scott slides my phone back to me across the table and he sighs. 

"What did you do, Monty?" he repeats after Charlie and now they're both looking at me, waiting.

" _Nothing_. Okay?" I say but they don't look convinced. "Okay. You were saying, release and then-"

"No no no," Charlie says quickly and I roll my eyes. "You tell us what you did to poor Winston to make him ignore you."

I scoff. "He's not ignoring me, he's probably still sleeping."

"At eleven in the morning?" Scott asks and I should claim that punch that I owe him right now.

I'm about to argue that we're eating breakfast at this time, but that's us. Winn could never sleep in, not unless he was drunk.

I sigh and I push my hair back. Why does he always have to be so confusing? Can't he just tell me what I did wrong and then we can just work it out?

"You've obviously done something to upset him," Charlie tells me and I groan. Yeah, no shit. "Just go over there and talk to him."

I really feel like hanging out with Charlie is making me dumber.

"Can you read? I've asked him to hang out and he hasn't even opened the message," I remind them and they look at each other like I'm the idiot in the room.

"Don't take this the wrong way but," Charlie starts and I already know I'm going to take it the wrong way. "Do you ever feel like maybe you're not putting in as much effort as Winston is?"

I grimace and Scott nods agreeing with Charlie. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

Scott sighs but he looks at Charlie to explain.

"Why me?" Charlie asks and he stares at Scott. "He never even listens to me."

Scott shrugs. "I'm going to let you gay guys sort this one out between yourselves- and yes Monty, before you say anything, I know you're not _really_ gay."

I roll my eyes at how mocking he sounds. I'm _not_ fully gay.

"Just gay for Winston," Charlie asks with a smug grin and I say nothing back. "Anyway. As I was saying before...Winston he...he's out of the closet." Didn't we already have this conversation? "And it must be so frustrating for him to have to hide for you in public especially when you're completely comfortable with him in private."

"Can we just get to the point?"

Winn knew what he was getting himself into, he can't be mad at me for getting exactly what I promised him. He knows I'm not one to hold his hand in public. I've told him that at homecoming. 

"What I mean to say is," Charlie says quickly. "Maybe you should try to...I don't know. Actually show him that you care about him? Show him that you're not embarrassed to be seen with him."

What am I meant to do? Swoop him up in my arms and tell the entire world that I'm fucking him behind closed doors?

"But I-"

But Charlie's already got a counter-argument prepared. "I'm not saying hold hands and kiss in public, you're obviously not ready for that. But maybe take him out somewhere? It doesn't even have to be in Evergreen. You can go anywhere, somewhere where people don't even know you. Just... _show_ him that you care."

I can think of about a hundred other, less embarrassing ways to show Winn that I care about him and none of them include him and me going out in public. That's too dangerous.

"Well?" Scott says and I stare at him. "What are you still doing here? _Go._ "

And I just...go? And I take him out? It can't be that easy.

"But... the message-" I start and Scott groans.

"Use another excuse, this one's getting old," Scott tells me and Charlie looks relieved that he doesn't have to be the one to tell me off. "Cenwood. Two cities away. There's a carnival...no one's going to know you there."

And he looks sad when he says the last part and he looks away. "I was going to take Estella there," he says confirming exactly what I was thinking. No wonder I never knew about them two being together.

But the Estella thing is long forgotten about. I've forgiven Scott and there's no need to bring it up.

Charlie looks at Scott and then at me and he's the one to break the awkward silence. "So what are you waiting for?"

I'm still unsure whether this is a good idea or not. I mean, will he even want to go? What if he's busy? What if he doesn't even want to see me today?

"I swear, I'm gonna drag his ass out the door in a second," Scott says quietly and Charlie grins. 

All those questions go to the back of my mind and I can't help but grin. "You really think it'll work?"

Charlie shrugs. "No promises. But you should know what to do. He's your boyfriend, not mine."

He's not my boyfriend. Not yet. But he will be.

Hopefully by the end of tonight.

***

I'm almost hoping that when he opens the door, he'll be barely awake, still wearing the shorts and shirt he wears to bed. That would mean that he wasn't _actually_ ignoring me. 

But when he opens the door, he's fully awake and he stares at me. "What are you doing here?"

He could at least _pretend_ to be pleased to see me. I came all the way over here and I could ask him why he's ignoring my messages or why he cancelled on me last night. But I don't. There's no point ruining the day before it can even begin.

"I wanted to see you," I say and then I look away because, God, I sound ridiculous. He should just shut the door in my face now.

But even that doesn't make him smile. "Right. See me. In my house. Where no one can see us together."

I sigh and I roll my eyes. He can't expect me to just start declaring m- kissing him in public just because I like him

Okay. I'll admit it. I like him. 

One guy. That doesn't make me gay and it doesn't mean that I suddenly have to support all that homo shit that he supports.

I keep my mouth shut. He's been patient with me, I've learnt a thing or two from him.

"Can I come in?" I ask and I lick my lips because they suddenly feel try even though I'm sweating and my heart is pounding.

"I'm busy," he says and he crosses his arms over his chest and I swear I'm losing my cool.

"Well, unbusy yourself," I tell him. "I'm taking you out."

And I've never felt this nervous in my entire life. It never would have occurred to me that there was a possibility that he could turn me down.

He raises one questioning eyebrow and I sigh because I'm going to have to explain. I was hoping this could be a surprise.

"Wow, you sure know how to ruin a surprise," I mutter and slowly, I see a smile appear on his face. "Just...All you need to know is that we're going out. And you can't wear that."

I look at his red sweater and his grey trousers and I shake my head.

"What's wrong with what I'm wearing?" he laughs and he playfully hits me on the shoulder.

"It's not appropriate," I simply tell him and he snorts. "We're going to be seeing actual people and I'm not letting you embarrass me with that outfit."

And I'm trying to sound as composed as I can but my hands are shaking and I know that there's no going back now. 

We're going out. Together. And other people will see us together.

Winn looks like a child on Christmas day, eyes sparkling, lips stretched out in a big grin.

I slowly take a step back, away from his house and now both of us are grinning like mad. "Ten minutes. I'll wait in the car."

And he shakes his head and laughs because he knows he can't say no. Not even if he wanted to.

***

Driving with Winn in the front seat with me is something I haven't done in a while.

And I remember why I don't miss it.

"Seriously?" I ask because we have to pull over again. "This is almost a two-hour drive and it'll last twice that if you're going to make me stop every five minutes."

I swear, he doesn't have a bladder. Whatever he drinks just goes straight through him.

"Aww, are you worried someone's going to see me getting out of your car?" he says and I know he still hasn't completely forgiven me for wanting to hide him away like some secret.

Yes.

"No," I say. "I'm just annoyed that we have to keep stopping."

I've already made up an excuse for why he's with me if anyone from school sees and asks. It's all good, we can do this.

So I stop at the nearest gas station and I fill my tank up while I wait for him to come out of the bathroom.

Scott texted me the address a while ago but I didn't have time to respond until now. I thank him and while I'm texting him, Winn comes back in the car.

_**Scott:** So he went for it?_

_**Monty:** Yep._

_**Scott:** Ha Charlie owes me 10 bucks. Have fun._

They bet on it? I'm not even going to respond.

Winn still has no idea where we're going when I start the car again but this time I've got the address for the carnival put into google maps and I'm sure he could guess where we're going if he wanted to.

I still need to figure out what we're going to do when we get there. It's going to be pretty early when we get there and the carnival doesn't open until seven. We'll have lots of free time for ourselves.

I look to the side to see what he's doing. He's looking out of the window but he's smiling. I don't think he's stopped smiling ever since I showed up at his house.

I realise that I haven't really thought this through as I continue driving. I'm still not sure how long we're staying for. We could stay here overnight, I'm sure Estella and Charlie wouldn't mind covering for me if I asked nicely. 

I just wish I knew what Winn wanted. It would make this so much easier.

***

Winn keeps on glancing at my phone every few minutes and I'm not sure why he looks so flustered and nervous as he keeps on playing with his hands.

But then, when he sees that there are ten minutes left until we reach our destination, he finally dares to speak.

"We could, erm, stay at a hotel. If you want to."

He sounds so nervous that it'll be cruel to say no. And I know what he's implying and I feel my heartbeat quicken. But unfortunately, we can't do that.

"I don't really have enough-" I say awkwardly but Winn cuts me off.

"I can pay," he says quickly and our eyes lock and he swallows hard. 

Fuck.

Fuck.

Even I'm starting to get nervous now and my hands feel slippery on the steering wheel but at least I have something to grip onto.

" _I'm_ supposed to be taking _you_ out," I remind him but I really fucking hope he takes us to that hotel. I'm getting horny just thinking about it.

Winn shrugs a sly grin already forming on his face. "Joint effort."

And I'm done debating this. We're going to a fucking hotel room. I don't care. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry that this is so short i just have a lot to put into the next chapter so i didnt want to make this one painfully long  
> i really hope youre enjoying the story so far and i hope this chapter makes up for montys poor treatment of winston in the last one, i wouldnt just leave you with that chapter for the whole day


	20. Sweet and Sour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MATURE CONTENT

**Chapter Twenty**

We stay a safe distance away from each other. I make sure to stay back a bit while he checks us into the hotel. I walk a few steps behind him when we're walking down the hallway and then I walk on the other side of the steps.

My breathing is getting heavier and heavier by the second and it's not because we practically ran up the stairs and to our hotel room.

Winn keeps giggling and laughing so much that he can't even open our room with the key.

It's a small hotel but nicer than I would have expected for a small town like this.

He drops the keys onto the carpet and I can't take it anymore.

I move him out of the way and I pick the keys up myself. 

As I put the key into the lock, Winn wraps his arms around my middle from the back and he starts placing kisses all over my back. He really wants me to lose my mind, doesn't he?

I managed to open the door and I step inside practically carrying Winn in with me because he's leaning on me and he doesn't even move his feet to try to walk.

He closes the door behind us with his foot and I drop the keys onto the floor not really caring about locking the door.

He finally lets go of me and I turn around to face him. I take a moment to just look at him. 

Parted lips, wide eyes, red cheeks and he just looks so perfect. 

But I only get a second or two to study him because he leans in and he kisses me.

I kiss back sloppily because I just want his mouth on mine, I don't really care as long as I can taste him, feel him.

His hands reach up to the back of my head and he pushes me even closer to him. I take the chance to start leading us towards the bed. 

I stake one step back and he follows with me. I rest one of my hands on his hip and the other one starts to unbuckle his belt and he pushes his crotch forwards like he just wants me to touch him.

I drop his belt at our feet and I take another step back as I unbutton his jeans. I keep on walking until I feel the bed touch the back of my leg. I stop and I carefully sit down on it.

Winn doesn't even want to break apart. He gets on top of me, his kness resting on the bed on either side of me and he places his hands on my shoulders.

I manage to slip his jeans off with a little bit of his help but they get stuck at the ankles and he starts laughing.

"Fuck," I say and I start laughing too. 

I flip us over and his back lands on the bed. I tug at his jeans and they eventually manage to come off so I throw them to the side.

Winn puts his hands on my hips and he pulls me back on top of him. I oblige and I hover on top of him and he tries to reach up to kiss me again but I hold him down.

He looks at me like he's asking me for permission to kiss me, his eyes travel to my lips and then back up to my eyes several times and I can't help but grin at how bad he wants me.

I gently let my fingers trace his jaw and then his cheekbone and then I finally stop at his lips and I brush my thumb against the bottom one.

It's mesmerising how soft his lips feel under my fingertips and he parts his lips and he starts licking my fingers. I put one finger in his mouth and he starts sucking on it while looking me in the eyes and I can just feel how hard I'm getting from this.

I put one more finger in his mouth and I start pushing them even deeper, he doesn't choke on them and he continues sucking and letting his tongue twist and turn around my two fingers.

I can barely breathe. I feel every single fucking thing.

He manages to cover my two fingers in his spit and then I pull them out. 

Fuck.

We don't have any lube.

"What?" Winn asks when he sees my face drop.

I groan and I push my hair back with the hand that isn't covered in his spit. "We don't have any fucking lube."

Winn shrugs. "Spit should do the job."

And I feel my face heating up. Spit? I...Okay.

I nod slowly trying to remain calm and then I reach down to his boxers and I take them off with the dry hand.

Winn watches me and I can see how hard he is. He takes my hand with both of his and I don't stop him as I watch him put my fingers back into his mouth. 

I groan as he sucks harder on them and then he takes them out again once they're fully wet.

This is much hotter than using lube.

He spreads his legs for me and I lean down and I kiss him again because I don't want him watching me when I start fingering him.

I fumble around until I find the tight hole and then I press one finger against it. Winn grunts against my lips and then he shoves his tongue in my mouth. 

I fucking love how he tastes.

I manage to put one finger inside of him and he jerks slightly. I move it in and out slowly until he gets used to it.

It's much different than using lube, rougher and I know he can feel it because I can too.

I really don't think not using lube is a good idea, I don't want to hurt him.

I think he's getting used to the one finger but I'm not sure if two fingers are a good idea especially with no lube.

I slightly pull away from him and I look him in the eyes. "More?"

He nods quickly and he swallows hard. "Please."

So I press the second finger into him and he jerks again and it's really not going in smoothly but he doesn't seem to mind.

"Shit. Fuck," Winn groans and then he starts moving against my fingers.

He's still got his shirt on so I pull away creating a bit of space in between us and I take his shirt off with one hand while my two fingers are still working inside of him.

He pulls me back, his hands pressing into the back of my shoulder and I can just start to feel his blunt fingernails starting to graze against my skin.

He starts grinding against me and then he frowns when his cock brushes past the fabric of my jeans.

"Take your fucking clothes off," he tells me and I stare at him in return. Did he really just...

I wrap my free hand around his throat and I don't really know what type of reactions that will get me but he grins and I can't help but feel turned on my how he's looking up at me.

I _should_ take my fucking clothes off.

I take my fingers out of him and I let go of his throat even though he tries to object and I reach to the back of my shirt and I pull it over my head. It lands on the floor along with the rest of Winn's clothes and he keeps on watching me as I reach for my zipper.

He could help but he chooses not to.

He watches me and he slowly grins when I roll my eyes at him. He's really gonna lay there and do nothing.

Then his hands reach up to my hips and he starts digging his nails in as I try to pull my jeans off.

I step away from the bed and he groans in objection as he watches me slowly roll my jeans down to my knees.

"Hurry up," Winston groans and then he reaches for his cock and he starts jerking himself off.

And that's enough to make me hurry up.

I kick my trousers off without a second thought and I get back on top of him. 

He spreads his legs even further apart so I guess I'm not getting blown today. Or at least not now.

I position myself and I place one hand on the wall behind the bed to steady myself.

Fuck. Spit.

Okay, right.

I swear I have no idea what I'm doing and I hate that he does.

I spit on my other hand and I reach in between his legs to spread my spit around his hole. 

He watches me and then he spits into his own hand and I don't know what he's planning on doing but I trust him.

Then he reaches between my legs and I feel his wet hand wrap around my cock and my breath almost hitches in my throat.

His eyes don't leave mine as he slowly jerks me off with his own spit.

And he squeezes at the base and then his hand slides over it one last time and he lets go.

I know that even though it feels wet, it'll still be rough and I need to be careful.

I grab one of his legs and I put it over my shoulder and I hold onto it with the one arm that isn't touching the wall.

I press against his hole with the head of my cock but it won't go in at first and Winn groans.

"Fuck, just push it _in,_ " he groans and I see that he's holding onto the pillow for dear life.

So that's what I do. I push in a little harder and it manages to go in this time. I only push the tip in because his whole body jerks and he needs a second to calm down.

"You okay?" I ask and he only nods because he doesn't seem to be able to form any words.

I push in further and he let's go off the pillow and he settles on my back instead. I hiss as he digs his nails into my back but not because it feels bad.

I managed to go halfway in and it's hard to move. I really don't wanna know what it's like for him. I move back a little so again only the tip is in and slowly, I push more and more of myself into him until my whole cock is inside of him.

He's tight around me and it feels so fucking good. I start pushing in and out as he groans and shreds the skin off my back with his hands.

I remember the thing about angels and I hope it doesn't hurt. I push slightly up and I get no reaction. But I do it again and this time his whole body jerks upwards and he moans loudly.

Fuck, I really hope there's no one in the room next to us.

"Sssh," I say quietly and I put my hand over his mouth while my other arm stays wrapped around his leg.

I can feel him grunting and moaning against my hand as I push in and out. I go in faster and I'm pretty sure he's trying to bite my hand because his mouth opens and I feel his tongue on the palm of my hand.

I see that he's started leaking onto his stomach and he's not even toughing himself because he's too busy scarring my back.

I peel my hand away from his mouth and I run my finger down his chest and stomach and then I stop when I reach his cock.

I start pushing in faster and his whole face scrunches up with pleasure. Fuck, I'm gonna come soon.

I wrap my hand around his cock and I start fisting him just as quickly as I'm pushing into him.

He digs into further into my back and he tries to pull me down to kiss him but I'm positioned just right and I'm not about to let him ruin it.

"Fuck you," he pants when I resist against his pushes but I just laugh. He can get so childish when he doesn't get what he wants.

I start moving in even faster and faster and that's all I concentrate on, my cock and the hand around his cock.

Then he grunts and his muscles tense up around me and he spills all over my hand. I continue jerking him off just a bit slower and then I let myself go. I move in and out of him slowly as I fill him up with my come. 

I think my back is bleeding. 

***

No one knows us here.

Absolutely no one and yet we still stay a safe distance from each other.

I bought the tickets for us to go inside and trust me, it was so worth it. I forgive Scott for anything he's ever done or will do to me. This has got to be Scott's best idea yet.

He looks around at all the rides, the lights, the Ferris wheels, the stalls. Everything. And he loves every single thing.

We're in the middle of November and even though it's only half to eight, it's already so dark and the lights just stand out even more.

"I should have brought my camera," Winn tells me as he keeps on looking around trying to take everything in. 

I don't have time to look around, I want to take in as much of _him_ as I can.

I scoff. His camera? Really? That's what he's thinking about right now?

"Freak," I mutter under my breath and he sharply turns his head towards me.

"Hey!" He laughs at me and then he pushes me slightly with his hip and I wish I could say that I don't mind, but I immediately look around to see if anyone saw that.

But no one's watching us. No one cares if we're together. I would be stupid to not take this opportunity.

"Can I kiss you?" I ask him and I stop in the middle of the pathway and people have to walk around us.

Winn looks at me with wide eyes and he gasps softly. "You mean...?" And I'm not surprised that he's shocked because so am I. "Here? Where there are actual _people?_ " he asks and I know he's mocking me now but I don't care and I smile. "Monty...are you _sure?_ I woul-"

He talks too much.

I put my hands on his hips and I pull him in to kiss me before I get the chance to change my mind.

My heart is hammering inside of my chest and I have to keep on reminding myself that no one cares if I'm kissing him here.

People walk all around us and I'm sure that some of them are looking at us but none of them actually care that here I am, Montgomery de la Cruz, kissing a boy.

He smiles against my lips and it's not an intense kiss but it feels sweet and it makes me feel all warm inside.

I step back because I'll have plenty of time to kiss him later. 

"Come on," I urge him and I start walking down the path again. 

We're surrounded by people and I can't see it, but I can feel his hand searching for mine. 

Fuck. We kissed in public before we even got the chance to hold hands. We're doing it all wrong already.

But who gives a fuck about routines and rules and what's right and what's wrong. This feels right, so let me just hold his fucking hand.

I interlace my fingers with his and I'm surprised by how cold his hands are. I squeeze his hand and he squeezes back but we're not looking at each other. I don't need to look at him to know that he's grinning because I know I am.

***

Winn and I have been on almost every ride possible but now we're both tired and we only have one more ride to go. The Ferris wheel but we're saving that for last.

"Come on," Winn whines as we pass all the stalls and food trucks. "If you really cared about me, you'd try to win a bear for me."

I laugh and I shake my head. 

Being with him in public...it's something I wish I had tried sooner.

I get to kiss him, touch him, hold his hand or even just look at him and people don't need to take more than one glance at us to know that he's mine.

Not officially yet, but he will be. 

"You _know_ how scammy those games are," I tell him because I know that I won't be able to win anything for him and it'll just be awkward after.

He pouts and he stops us in the middle of the path again.

It's much later now and there are fewer people because they've either gone home or they're on the rides. It's mostly just teenagers and young adults now.

He's waiting for me to kiss him again, he's really been taking advantage of me all night.

He leans in closer to me and he tilts his head upwards. I lean in too and just as my lips are about to touch his, I pull away and I start walking again.

I hear him groan and he follows me again. 

"Kiss me please," he says and I really want to but I want to make him work for it.

I keep on walking but he steps in front of me and stops me. " _Besame._ " 

Looks like our study session wasn't a complete waste of time. 

He raises one eyebrow waiting for my reaction and I just can't turn him down. He knows how much control he has over me.

I sigh and I put my hands on either side of his face and then I kiss him gently and he kisses me back just as softly.

We're both breathless by the time we pull away and my pulse is racing but I try to ignore it.

"Was that okay?" I whisper shakily and I don't understand why I'm so nervous all of a sudden.

He nods unable to say anything else and my eyes wander to one of the stalls behind him.

I let my hands drop by my sides and I grin at him. "How about cotton candy?" I ask him and he raises his eyebrows. "I'll feed it to you."

And then he looks convinced. " _Fine._ "

Once we get the blue cotton candy, we walk over to the area where all the tables are. There's only one table that's taken and there are two girls sitting on it and eating their fries. They're not paying any attention to us.

None of the tables are clean, they all have drinks spilt on them and remains of food and food packagings.

Winn sits down on one of the tables and he puts his feet up on the bench so that his back is facing the table and he's facing me.

I rip up little pieces of the cotton candy and we take turns to eat it. I put more in his mouth than in mine because I'm not really keen on the sugary taste but he doesn't seem to mind.

He sometimes teases me and lets the tip of his tongue lick my fingertips and I know that we're both thinking back to what happened at the hotel room.

But he looks so innocent now, eating from my hand and I'm glad that no one else gets to see the side of him that I saw just a few hours before.

He licks his lips as he waits for me to put another piece in his mouth but I lean in and kiss him instead. He can't lick his lips like that and expect me not to kiss him.

He grins at me and I grin back but our happiness is short-lived.

"Fucking faggots." I hear from behind and my blood turns cold.

I whip around to see who the guy is, he doesn't stop. He walks on but I'm not gonna let him get away.

Who does he fucking think he is?

"Huh? What d'you say?" I shout at him but Winston's already gripping onto my shirt making sure that I don't run off after the guy.

"Just ignore him, Monty. He's not worth it," Winston says quietly and he pulls me back towards him even though I try to shake him off of me.

"What did you fucking say?" I shout at the guy again and this time he reacts.

He spins around and I see that it's a chubby kid, glasses, buzz cut. He looks no older than fifteen. But I'll beat the fuck out of him if I have to, I don't care.

His virgin looking ass doesn't get to judge me or Winn for that matter. But the kid has more balls than I thought.

He stops in his path and he shows me the middle finger and I feel my cold blood suddenly starting to boil.

"Twinks!" he shouts at us and I have to clench my fists.

But I don't even get to shout anything back at him because Winn is ahead of me.

"Hey!" Winn shouts towards him and the kid stops. "Suck my fucking cock you fucker."

The kid looks disgusted and he walks away before I can get to him. Trust me, kid, it's really not that disgusting.

Neither of us says anything for a few seconds and then we make eye contact and we burst out laughing.

I didn't think he had it in him. But he surprises me more and more every day and I love every new little thing that I learn about him.

"So? Where were we?" Winn asks and I'm glad that he's not focusing our conversation on the kid, he's not worth our time.

***

"You _have_ to kiss me on top of the Ferris wheel," Winston tells me as we make our way over to the queue. "Our date just won't be complete without it."

"Oh, so this is a date?" I tease him and he rolls his eyes.

"Of course it is," he tells me like I'm stupid. "What else would it be? A friendly outing? I don't think so."

And he kisses me once again to prove his point. We're way past being just friendly.

After we (well, he) ate the cotton candy, we went over to some of the booths where you can buy a shit tone of weird stuff.

Winn got into a deep discussion about cameras with one of the guys there while I browsed through some of the shit I could buy.

I don't think I've ever bought anything for him. Not something that would last anyway. So I wanted my first gift to him to be special.

In the end, I settled on silver chain necklace with a silver bear as the pendant. I guess he got his bear after all.

He's wearing it on top of his shirt now even though it looks tacky with what he's wearing.

We've almost reached the queue when I hear a familiar voice shouting my name.

"Monty! Monty! Hey!"

And I know that fucking voice and I knew it was too good to be true.

I slowly turn around and I take a few steps to the side, away from Winn.

Because I can stand other people watching, they won't judge me, not out loud. But Bryce will.

But Bryce isn't alone and that's the scary part.

He's with Ryan Carter, the guy who practically taught Bryce how to be Bryce.

Ryan is a tall guy, dark short hair and brown eyes. He's taught us everything the jocks stand for at Liberty.

I haven't seen him in two years, maybe? Last I heard, he was in rehab.

Oh why did he have to get better, couldn't he just have stayed there?

Winston doesn't give me any weird looks and he knows to keep his distance now because this is Bryce we're talking about.

But I could take Bryce.

I could never take on Ryan.

"What a coincidence bumping into you here!" Bryce says and he gives me a one-armed hug which I force myself to return.

Coincidence? More like a tragedy.

"You remember Ryan, right?" Bryce says and I nod. I _wish_ I could forget.

But Ryan isn't looking at me, he's eyeing Winston up and down and when I glance at Winston, he looks so fucking uncomfortable.

"So who's this guy then?" Ryan asks and he rudely points to Winston as if he can't even hear us.

Bryce knows who is he and he's giving me a knowing look. He fucking knows and he's gonna tell Ryan.

But Bryce doesn't say anything. Neither of us do.

"Hmm?" Ryan enquires. "Your boyfriend?"

And his tone... I already know what he's thinking.

I try not to think about the number of guys I've seen him beat up in high school just because he _suspected_ that they might have been gay. You looked at Ryan for too long and he was already telling people you were a fag.

"Please," I say and I scoff trying to turn it into a joke. I could pass him off as my friend.

But it's better if he leaves. Now.

Ryan is dangerous and Winn isn't safe around him.

But Ryan doesn't laugh and neither does Bryce. The tension around us is so thick that I can barely move my muscles.

"So what are you doing with him then?" Ryan asks and his voice is rough. He could beat me and Winston without batting an eye. "You hang around with faggots now? Huh? Is that what you do now?"

Winston needs to get out of here.

I laugh. "You really think that low of me?" And then I look at Bryce and an idea pops into my head. "This faggot's got something on me. He forced me to come here with him. I couldn't exactly say no."

And my mouth feels dry and sour at the same time and I keep on swallowing but it just gets drier and drier. 

I don't wanna look at Winn, don't wanna see what his face looks like.

"Really?" Bryce asks and I'm not sure if he's doing it for the sake of backing up my story or if he really believes me. "I thought you said you sorted it out."

But it doesn't matter, because Ryan believes me now.

"I-I...I should probably go," Winston stammers and he takes a step back but one look from Ryan is enough to make him freeze.

"What have you got on him?" Ryan asks him sternly and he nods towards me.

Winston doesn't even look. "N-nothing."

And Ryan nods slowly. "That's right. You've got nothing on him. _Nothing_ , you hear me? You leave Monty alone or _I'll_ deal with you."

And I feel like I'm about to pass out or vomit or maybe both.

Winston nods quickly, he just wants to get out of here and I don't blame him.

I stare at him and I want to give him a look that says 'sorry' or 'I'll explain later' but he won't even look my way.

"Now get out of here you dirty faggot," Ryan says through clenched teeth and Winston staggers.

And just as he's about to leave, Ryan takes a step forward and he spits in his face.

I should stand up for him. Fuck Bryce. Fuck Ryan. Fuck everyone. He's all that matters to me.

But I'm a fucking coward.

And I fucking laugh.

I laugh.

Bryce laughs.

Ryan laughs.

And Winston leaves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so theres quite a lot, please let me know what you thought about this chapter coz ive worked really hard on it and i just wanna hear your opinions


	21. Friendtervension

**Chapter Twenty-One**

I make some shitty excuse about needing to be back home before my curfew or my dad will ground me and Bryce and Ryan finally let me go.

It's back to lying.

And I've been doing so well.

But now it's back to lying.

Hopefully not for long.

He couldn't have gone anywhere else other than back to the hotel, I know that he's left his phone back there because he had to charge it so he definitely went back to the hotel room.

He must have.

I just hope I'm not too late.

I run down the hallway, up the stairs and then again down the corridor.

And I pull down on the handle and the door is open. It's fucking open, thank God.

He's on his way out and I almost bump into him when I open the door. He doesn't even look at me.

"Move out of the way Monty," he says dully and my heart sinks.

"No," I say and I gently push him back into the room and I shut the door behind me.

"Wow, really mature," Winn comments spitefully. "You gonna lock me in here until I forgive you? Guess what, I think I've given you enough chances."

I listen to what he says but I don't take it in. If he could just _listen_ to me.

"I'm sorry," I say and he scoffs. "Ryan, he-"

"I don't _care,"_ Winston interrupts me. "Just get out of the way. I want to go _home_."

And his voice breaks and I think he's going to cry but I can't even see his face, he's looking down at his feet.

"Just, let me explain. Please I-"

He needs to understand that Ryan is not someone to be messed with. I wasn't just protecting my reputation, I was protecting him too.

Okay, he got spat at. Happens. At least he came out alive, Ryan could have done something much worse to him.

"There's nothing to explain," Winston tells me and he finally looks up and looks me in the eye. "There are about a million other ways you could have handled that. But you made _me_ look like the bad guy. You let that guy insult me and you stood there when he spat in my face. You didn't do shit. Fuck, you fucking _laughed_."

I didn't vomit before but I will now.

"I.. I panicked! Okay?" I say as if that somehow justifies it.

I know I humiliated him, I know I should have stood up for him but I _couldn't._

I take a step away from the door, I don't want him to feel like I'm forcing him to stay. I want him to _choose_ to stay.

He glances at the door but he stays where he is. Maybe there's hope after all.

"I just... I r _eally_ don't understand you anymore," Winn says sadly and he looks away from me.

He's the only one who's _ever_ understood me. The only one. How can he say that he doesn't understand me?

"It was all going so well..." he trails off and he absentmindedly smiles at the fond memories we made tonight.

"Then let's just forget about it," I say stupidly and his smile is gone. "Let's just pretend that never happened."

Pretend. It's something I promised myself I wouldn't do in front of him. But now I'm forcing him to pretend for me.

Winston scoffs and he gives me a pitying look. "God, you _really_ don't get it."

And I'm starting to sweat now because this isn't going how I planned it in my head. I should be hugging him now, apologizing for Ryan and Bryce and everything else.

"Get what?" I ask and he sighs.

He stares at me for a couple of seconds and then he looks away again.

"I think I need some time. Some space," he says quietly and I blink.

" _You_ need space?" I ask and I frown. How exactly does _he_ need space? I'm the one who almost got caught making out with him by some ex-friends of mine. I'm the one whose whole reputation is at risk. And he thinks _he's_ the one who needs time to deal with this? Time for fucking what exactly?

"No. You know what?" he corrects himself and he raises his voice. " _You_ need space. _You_ need to figure your shit out. _You_ need to decide what you want. Because..."

And then he sighs and I don't interrupt him. I have nothing to say anyway.

"Because I _know_ what I want," he says and he looks me up and down. "But you're not ready to be in a relationship. Not yet," he tells me and I raise an eyebrow.

A relationship? With _him_?

I snort and then I burst into laughter and he states at me with a steely expression.

He's the one who's obsessed with me. He transfers to my school to get my attention and he acts like I belong to him or something. I haven't even mentioned anything about a relationship to him, I don't know what's going through this head.

"A relationship?" I say out loud and I'm still grinning at how ridiculous that sounds. "With you? Me and you, in a relationship? _Please,_ don't make me laugh."

Just sex. That's all this was.

His lips open and close and open and close again but no sound comes out.

And I've ruined it. I've wrecked it beyond repair.

I know I have.

I just need to give him that one last push that will make sure that he knows it's over. It's over because _I'm_ ending it.

"I could never be in a relationship with a dirty fucking faggot like you," I say and as each word leaves me mouth, his face just hardens more and more.

And then he lets out a small breath and he nods. "Okay."

Okay? _Okay?_

Fucking _scream_ at me, _hit_ me, tell me how much you fucking _hate_ me. Don't just fucking stand there.

He steps towards the door and he hesitates before opening it. "I'll catch my own ride back home."

"Wouldn't expect anything else," I say automatically and I cross my arms over my chest.

He pulls down on the handle and he slowly opens the door like he wants to give me more time. Maybe he's hoping I'll get on my knees and beg him to stay.

No, that sounds more like his thing.

"I never should have come to Liberty," he says and then he opens the door wide opens and he steps out.

I don't wanna look at him walk away. I won't let myself watch him walk away.

So I kick the door with one leg and it closes with a loud bang.

I let him go. He's leaving because I made him leave. I wanted him gone.

***

Time doesn't seem to exist anymore. Days just run into each other and I split them into two categories.

Days that I miss him and days that I manage to convince himself I don't.

It's Wednesday afternoon and I can't remember the last time I was in school.

I tell my parents that I'm sick and it's not exactly a lie. I _feel_ sick.

I vomit a few times a day now, it's basically part of my daily routine.

I don't know what time it is but I can assume that it's before four because Estella is back from school.

I haven't stepped foot outside my room ever since Sunday morning.

I couldn't sleep in that hotel room, there's were little traces of him everywhere and he was everyone I looked so I just got into my car and I started driving.

Mom let me inside, I was lucky that dad was sleeping.

She looked like she was going to lecture me but then she saw my face and she let me go up to my room without asking questions.

And that was the last time I was outside this room. I lay in bed all day and sometimes I leave to go to the bathroom. 

My phone hasn't been charged since Sunday and it's better this way. I don't have to read any of Scott's or Charlie's messages.

There's a soft knock at the door and I know it's Estella bringing my lunch upstairs. She knows the drill, put the tray down on the chair next to my bed and leave.

But she walks inside, put the tray with my food on the chair and she stares at me.

I can't really keep any food down. I think I have a stomach bug and every day mom tries to make me something new in the hope that I'll be able to keep it down. Today it's porridge.

"What?" I ask Estella because she's still not leaving.

She sighs as she watches me. I must look like a right mess.

"Charlie and erm, Scott are asking about you," she tells me and she crosses her arms over her chest. "Why aren't you answering their messages?"

I attempt to shrug but my shoulders barely move and I sigh at how difficult everything is to do.

Estella bites down on her lip nervously and she looks worried. I don't think she's ever seen me like this. I don't think _I've_ ever seen me like this.

"Charlie said that they were going to come over for a 'friendtervension' whatever that is..." Estella tells me and she moves to sit at the foot of my bed. "I told them to wait, that I'll try to see if I can help somehow before we bring in the big guns."

I don't reply. I just keep on staring at the wall. This is all Scott's fucking fault. I never should have listened to him and his shitty advice.

I should have known it wouldn't be safe.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" Estella asks softly but if I tell her, I have to start from the beginning. I have to relive all those memories. From the first time I kissed him at that party to the last time I kissed him at that carnival.

We didn't even get to kiss on the Ferris wheel.

If I had known that that was our last kiss...

I've said it before, I don't cry.

But sometimes I close my eyes and then when I open them again, my cheeks are wet.

And that's exactly what's happening right now.

"Oh. Monty..."

I feel Estella's hand on my back and she starts moving it around in circles and it's quite soothing. She's the first person to touch me since...

It's okay. I need to forget it.

I need to forget how he touches me. How he looks at me. How he tastes and how he smiles against my lips.

I just need to forget.

But I can't keep it in anymore.

I sniffle and then I cough and I feel like I'm going to vomit but I don't. I wish I did.

I need to get him out of my system.

"What happened?" Estella asks again and she starts stroking my hair gently.

And everything he's ever done, everything he's ever said... it all just keeps on coming back to me.

"I..." I start but the words won't form in my mouth. "This guy..."

And Estella tells me that it's all going to be okay. She tells me that's she's here and she's here to listen. She says she's not going anywhere.

But he said that too. And where is he now?

"He fucking made me gay!" I shout and I don't even care if dad comes back home early and hears. I hope he hears, I hope he comes home and he beats the shit out of me for not going to school for the third day in a row.

"He fucking made me into a fucking fag like him and then he fucking left me, okay?" I shout at Estella and I wonder why she's not leaving, why she's staying right where she is and why her hand is still stroking my hair.

"That's what fucking happened," I add quietly. "He fucking... Made me into this... This _thing_. And then he left and he doesn't care what happens to me now. He doesn't give a shit."

I wonder if he ever did.

I've put so much effort and work into this and he never appreciated it. I just wasted my time on him.

All we did was waste time.

And now he's probably laughing with his friends about the straight guy he tricked into sleeping with him. He's telling them what happened on Saturday and they're all laughing at me.

He played me.

***

Scott and Charlie stay true to their word and shortly after five, they arrive at my house.

I can hear them outside my bedroom door, Estella is with them.

"He's barely moved a muscle since Sunday," she tells them. I've heard her talking to them since they first came in so I don't doubt that she's told them about yesterday too.

Then I hear Estella's footsteps move down the hall to her room and the door opens slightly. They don't even knock but who cares.

Charlie stinks of sweat so I'm guessing they came here straight after practice. 

Practice. There's no way Zach is gonna let me play any of our games anymore.

I'm really gonna lose my whole future career because of this one guy. Pathetic.

"Hey..." Charlie says with a smile on his face and he stands in the middle of the room looking at me.

I keep my eyes on the wall behind him and I don't reply.

"We've come to see the invalid," Scott says and he moves to sit at the foot of my bed. I still don't react.

"We miss you in practice, man. We all do," Charlie says and he clears his throat. "We need you. The team _needs_ you."

I couldn't give a fuck about the team. When was the team ever there for me?

I exhale through my nose and I focus more on the wall. White. It's a white wall.

They stare at me in silence, they were probably hoping this would be much easier. A quick fix.

"Okay. What happened?" Scott asks and at least he's getting straight to the point.

"Nothing," I mumble and Charlie's face drops and he looks at Scott.

There is no quick fix for this but I wish there was. 

I try to pinpoint the exact moment that I fucked up. Was it when I showed up at his house after my dad attacked me? Was it when I kissed him on the bus on that trip? Or was it at homecoming when I went into the room and I told him that what we had scared me?

When did I lose myself? 

I never should have done any of those things. I should have ignored him since the first day I saw him at Liberty. I wouldn't be here right now if I did just that.

"You haven't returned any of our texts since Saturday, you don't come to school, you lie in bed all day and you won't even talk to anyone," Scott lists like I need to be reminded how pathetic I am. "No one's seen Winston in school for days either, so whatever happened..."

He's not going to school?

And then I remember what he said.

_"I never should have come to Liberty."_

But he wouldn't...

He can't have.

"Whatever happened, you can tell us. You know we'll always be here for you," Charlie tells me but I know that if I tell him how badly I fucked up, he'll look at me differently. He _says_ he'll always be here, but so does everyone else. And they always fucking leave.

I need to get my priorities straight.

I need to think about what's important to me.

I clear my throat and I try to sit up. My muscles are sore from laying down in one position for so long.

"What did Zach say?" I ask them and they exchange worried looks. "Is he gonna let me play on Friday?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was going to post this tomorrow but i got so many positive comments that i just felt like posting it now. ive already got the next few chapters written so posting from now on should be regular and once a day unless my wifi is bad or i have to go out again.  
> i hope youre enjoying the story just as much as i enjoy reading your comments


	22. It Was Real

**Chapter Twenty-Two**

We're losing.

We go back into the locker room at halftime and we all look exhausted. 

Zach has let me play and I'm doing better than I thought I would be. Letting my anger out in a healthy way.

I've done something stupid.

He hasn't been in school all week and I know I shouldn't, but I worry about him.

He wouldn't just skip school, not without a good reason.

So I may have done something stupid but I had good reason to.

I keep on checking my phone to see if he's replied. He hasn't.

Delivered.

_**Monty:** Are you okay? You haven't been in school for a while._

_**Monty:** I think we need to talk._

_**Monty:** _ _I need to apologise._

_**Monty:** I didn't mean what I said._

I'm such an idiot.

I barely listen to Zach's speech about how they can't break us, we're the Liberty tigers blah blah blah.

None of that matters.

I just wanna go back out there and tackle some guys.

Charlie keeps on glancing at me but he hasn't said a word about you know who since Wednesday. Neither has Scott.

But they're not treating me like a child, they're not walking on eggshells around me. I just need to pretend hard enough and it almost feels like everything is okay.

Tyler is still on the field with his camera when we come back out. I kind of wished they'd swap at half time. I know, pathetic.

***

I smile because that's what people expect me to do.

Charlie and Zach carry me on their shoulders like I'm some kind of God.

"You're my fucking hero!" Charlie tells me and I laugh and I ruffle his hair with one hand.

At least the team doesn't think I'm completely useless.

They eventually let me down because Zach has to go talk to the coach and I walk across the pitch with Charlie towards Scott who's already waiting for us with a big grin on his face.

"Good catch, eh?" Scott says and he pats me on my back as we walk towards the locker room. "Watching you on the field...just wow."

And I know that he's exaggerating but I smile at the compliment and Charlie tries jumping on my back for a piggy ride.

I manage to take two or three steps with him on my back and then he slides off. He's heavier than he looks.

"So...Luke's party," Scott says and I know where he's going with this. He wants me to go out, have fun, forget.

"Yeah, should be fun. Right Monty?" Charlie asks me and he grins at me but it's a forced smile.

I nod. I'm getting better and better at pretending that everything is okay. I'm sure that I'll start believing it soon.

"But I gotta do something first," I tell them and they frown at the same time.

I'm not sure what they think about this whole situation, whether they think it's me who messed up or if they think it was him. Either way, they're on my side and they just wanna make sure I'm okay.

"It'll only take a few minutes," I tell them so that they stop stressing. "I'll meet you at Luke's?"

And they don't look happy because they can guess where I'm going to go. But they don't say anything.

***

In the summer, showing up at his house was like second nature. It felt so natural, so normal.

But it's November now. And the air is cold and the wind keeps on biting at my cheeks as I stand outside his house waiting for the door to open.

He hasn't replied to my messages still. But I'm not going to let him ignore me, I just need one more chance. I won't fuck it up this time, I promise.

But I will.

And I'll ask for another chance. And another. 

But this is what we do. I fuck up, he forgives me and we last for a few days and then the cycle repeats.

I think back to what he said, about giving me more than enough chances and I think he's right. I don't think I deserved a first chance nevermind a second or a third or all the ones after that.

The light in the hallway turns on suddenly and I hold my breath as I wait for the door to open.

I hear the key turning in the lock and I remember opening the door to our hotel room on Saturday. That all feels like another lifetime. Did that even happen or did I imagine it?

And then the door opens and he's standing in the doorway. And I see the expression on his face and I don't feel so well.

"...Hey," I breathe out and I can feel my chest tightening as I wait for a response. He doesn't respond. He just stands there and he maintains eye contact but I can see nothing in his eyes. "Can I...come in?"

"I'm busy," he tells me and he looks at the door like he's considering shutting it in my face any moment now.

_'Well, unbusy yourself. I'm taking you out.'_

I have to swallow and blink because I can't think about that day, not now. Not for a long time.

"I, uh, I texted you?" I say and I want him to say something, literally anything. 

But he just stares me down and I get nervous again because fuck, this is a lot harder than I thought.

"I just...I wanted you to answer...and I was like looking at my phone all day and I was like...come on please answer cause I didn't know how you would...react or what you'd think of what I said but..."

Please, anything. Anything. Give me _something._

Here I am, on his doorstep, pouring my heart out to him, apologising because I know what I did was wrong. I've never felt this exposed before but he doesn't care.

He stands there, no expression whatsoever, blank eyes and it's driving me crazy.

"I think I made myself clear on what I thought about what you said," he says monotonously and it's not him speaking. This isn't Winston Williams, it just isn't him. It _can't_ be. "You made yourself clear too."

And my chest is tightening with every second that goes by and I think I'm going to vomit on his doorstep. But I've got to keep it together.

"I...I didn't mean what I said," I say and I shake my head lightly because I don't even want to remember what I said to him. I tried to erase that from my mind. "I was just angry and upset and I just..."

I want him to get angry at me. He's never gotten angry at me. The closest he got to angry was when he raised his voice at me in the hotel room. That was it.

We stand there in silence, neither of us knowing what to say but he just looks...bored. He doesn't want me here. He doesn't want me.

"Winn? Are you coming?"

And my body tenses up at the sound of the voice from inside. It doesn't seem to affect Winston in the slightest.

It's a male voice and it sounds too young to be his dad but mature enough to sound like it's someone our age. 

"Coming!" He shouts behind him and then he looks at me and he sighs. "Like I said, I'm busy."

And he takes one last look at me and he raises his eyebrows like I'm embarrassing myself by even coming here and then the door shuts, the light turns off and I stay standing there.

***

I didn't think I would make it to the party but here I am.

I'm not sure how many drinks I've had, what time it is or who I'm currently kissing but she doesn't seem to mind.

I saw Natalie somewhere in the crowd a while ago. I thought about apologising but then she pulled a face at me and I went to speak to her friend instead.

But that was four girls ago. I have no idea who I'm with now.

She's a mess of blonde hair, obnoxious laughter and alcohol but I couldn't care less. I helped us win that game, I deserve this.

Scott and Charlie watch me from the other side of the room as I dance with the girl. I'm not one for dancing, not unless I'm completely wasted. But today, I'm wasted beyond repair, I finally stopped acting like a fag _and_ I helped my team with the game. I think it would be stupid _not_ to dance.

"Wanna get out of here?" the girl asks and that's my cue to I walk away and I look for my next distraction.

I don't want to go yet, I'm planning on partying until I'm the only person left at this fucking party.

She stares at me with a confused look on her face as I stagger away from her and I almost trip but then there's a hand on my shoulder steadying me.

"Hey...you doing alright?"

I recognise the voice. Diego.

He stares at me looking completely worried and I start laughing. "You're so _sweet_ to care."

Barely anyone cares nowadays.

"I think you need to slow down man," Diego tells me and he starts pushing me away from the people dancing with his one hand still on my shoulder.

I don't argue with him, he's the sober one so he must know what he's doing.

He pushes me towards the living room where there are just a group of people sitting around and talking. 

"Move," Diego orders and they take one look at me and they don't need to be told twice.

Diego guides me towards the couch and my heart starts pounding and my mouth fills with saliva and I-

"I think I'm gonna-"

And vomit comes rushing out of my mouth and lands onto the couch in front of me.

It doesn't stop and I just keep vomiting all the alcohol and shit that I consumed. But it doesn't make me feel any better, I just feel worse and worse with every second that goes by.

Diego's hand stays on my shoulder and I feel like I'm about to fall on my knees but he keeps me standing upright.

I hear Charlie's voice in the background and he's panicking. 

I empty the last of my stomach and then I just stand there, vomit dripping off my chin, red watery eyes and I look down at the mess I made on the couch. Lukey will be furious with me.

All I do is make a mess.

***

I think the whole football team is here.

And even with so many guys in the room, they still can't agree on what to do.

I don't contribute as I listen to them argue about what to do. I just lay face down on the floor. Charlie and Scott have tried to pick me up and get me to sit down properly but the floor just feels so nice and cold and I don't want to go anywhere.

"I think we should just drop him off in the middle of nowhere and wait for him to sober up," one of the guys says and he can't be much sober than me.

"Yes please," I mumble but they don't hear me.

I know that Charlie is out there somewhere talking to Luke, telling him that I'm going through something and trying to convince him not to beat me to a pulp for ruining his couch.

They're all shouting over each other and then the door opens and I hear Luke's voice. 

"He sure as hell isn't staying overnight here," he says and some of the guys quieten down.

"It's not like he _meant_ to do it," Diego defends me. "Besides, I took him to that couch. I'm at least a little bit responsible."

Using that logic, Winn, five different girls, Scott, Charlie and the guy who brought the alcohol are responsible too. Nah, this is all on me.

They start arguing again but my mind can't unscramble their voices and words and it all just sounds like noise.

Just noise that I don't care about.

"Can't you see how fucking _messed up_ he is?" Scott starts arguing with someone.

Yeah. Messed up. That's me.

Just a few hours ago I was the whole team's hero, the guy who almost secured a place for them in the playoffs. Now I'm just a mess.

"Shut the fuck up Reed, you're not even on the team," someone else says and then I hear someone sigh and a new argument breaks out. 

Lovely.

All I do is cause messes.

I don't want to think about him but I do anyway. 

If only he could see me right now...he'd run for the hills. 

He told me to get my shit together and this is what I do.

He deserves better, he doesn't deserve this.

Charlie was right, I _am_ embarrassed to be seen with him. I'm afraid of what people will think when they see us together.

If only I could have ended the night sooner. If I had skipped the shopping and we went straight to the Ferris wheel...

We'd have our kiss there, I'd ask him to be my boyfriend, he'd say yes and then we'd go back to our hotel room and we'd have the whole night and morning to ourselves.

That's what should have happened.

But instead, I insulted him in front of people I used to look up to, I laughed when they spat at him and then I made things worse by calling him a fag. I really messed up this time.

There's no coming back from this.

"Is _anyone_ here sober?" Charlie then shouts over everyone else. He might be the youngest here but sometimes I think he's smarter than the whole team combined.

Homecoming night. He came with Alex and he left with me. He chose me. The morning after he told me about his childhood and we had breakfast together.

Halloween night. I took him home with me and I looked after him. The morning after I introduced him to my friends and then he told me about his cousin. He trusted me.

My favourite memories of us are the ones I wish we never had. 

God, this would be so much easier if we never did any of that bullshit.

"I've only had one drink," someone says and then there's a low murmur of voices as they decide what to do.

We've been warier of driving drunk after the whole Jeff Atkins mess. God, he'd know what to do right now.

"I can drive. If no one else can?" 

Zachy. 

God, I miss Zach and Bryce and Justin and everyone else. Back when my biggest concern was playing regularly for the football team.

Fourteen-year-old me would be disgusted if he saw me right now, throwing everything we've worked for in the dirt because of some guy.

But he's not just some guy.

He's different.

Because I-

"Can you stand?" Zach asks me and he crouches down beside me. I don't respond and he turns his head to Scott. "Can he stand?"

Scott shrugs. "I don't fucking know."

Zach sighs but he doesn't comment and I feel his hands on my waist as he tries to get me to sit up. "Come on Monty. I've got you now. You're going to be okay."

I wish it was that easy.

***

Zach's taking all three of us to Charlie's house and I keep on wanting to say thank you but the words just don't come out of my mouth.

"You gotta work with me man," Zach tells me as he tries to put my seat belt on.

I groan and I move my arm a bit so it's a bit easier for him. He finally manages to put it on and then he stands outside the car and he stares at me.

"What the hell happened to you man?" Zach asks and he shakes his head at me in disappointment. "I understand celebrating but... it doesn't even look like you're having fun."

"No shit," I slur and I can feel a headache coming on. He's really fucked me up.

I close my eyes and I exhale as I try to take my mind off the headache but Zach is still standing over me.

"I don't mean to be nosey but...is this...because of someone?" he asks uncertainly and I grunt.

All this...because of one guy. 

And then I remember how unbothered he looked when I came over to apologise to him. He doesn't care, he's not hurting. He's just playing with me. He's probably fucking that guy that was in his living room right now while I sit here and I beat myself up over what I did to him.

It doesn't get more pathetic than this.

If my stomach wasn't empty, I would probably vomit.

"Is it...because of Winston?"

My heart skips a beat. I clench my jaw and my eyes snap open. How does he...

I feel my whole head spinning and I'm certain that I'm going to pass out in a second. How the fuck does Zach know? Did he see us on Saturday? Did Bryce say something? Or is it just that obvious?

Can Scott and Charlie hurry the fuck up so we can just get out of here?

"How..." I trail off and Zach licks his lips nervously.

"He told me," Zach says and my eyebrows shoot up. He _told_ him? Who else did he fucking tell? Zach? Out of all people...

"During the lockdown," Zach continues and I don't look at him because I don't want his judgement. "We were both just really out of it, high and scared out of our minds."

"What did he tell you?" I ask quietly and I clench my fists to prepare myself for what's coming.

I look up at Zach and he looks hesitant. He sighs and then he looks down at his feet. "He said he... he loved you. I mean, loves you. Present tense."

Not anymore.

I can't process it. 

How could he love me? 

I'm a mess, I always have been. He can't love me. He doesn't even know me.

He can't...

My chest feels heavy and I don't know if it's the alcohol or just the cold or maybe something else but my eyes start watering and I give a small sob that I quickly try to turn into a laugh.

"Sorry to disappoint you but..." And I have to take a deep breath in because it feels like someone's sucking all the air out of my chest. "He doesn't love me. He hates me."

I lick my lips and I stare ahead of me at the driver seat. He doesn't love me. He never has.

Zach said it himself, they were high and scared. He probably didn't even know what he was saying.

I wish Zach would just shut his fucking mouth at this point. And what the fuck is taking Scott and Charlie so long? Don't tell me they're still arguing with Luke about whose going to pay for the couch.

But nothing is going my way today and Zach can't help himself.

"You can't love someone one week and then hate them the next, that's not how it works. Even if you want to and you try your best to," Zach tells me and I put my hands over my ears because this headache is just getting worse and worse. "Whatever happened between you guys, I'm sure you can-"

"Just shut the fuck _up!_ " I shout at Zach and he goes silent. "Okay? I don't need your shitty advice. I fucked up, he hates me and it's over. _Okay?_ So just fucking drop it!"

Zach stares at me and then he nods slowly. "Okay."

I don't need to tell him not to tell anyone because he's not stupid. And there's nothing to tell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is inspired by one of my favourite songs, BCNTXL by wolfskind and bayuk  
> reading your comments is my favourite part of the day and im so glad i see a lot of people being invested into this story and im just so happy that people enjoy my work thank you so much


	23. Nightmare After Nightmare

**Chapter Twenty-Three**

I can't sleep.

Scott is on my right and he's snoring quietly but he's not the reason I can't sleep.

I keep on replaying the conversation with Zach in my head and I try to imagine what it went like.

"I love Monty." or maybe it was, "I think I love Monty." or even better, "I think I'm starting to love Monty."

Whichever one it was, it hurts all the same.

He never told me how he felt. Why the fuck didn't he?

Would it have changed anything? I like to think that it would have.

"Charlie?"

I've been dying to talk to him ever since I talked to Zach, I just didn't know how to start the conversation.

"Hmm?"

I swallow hard. "Are you sleeping?" Which really means, 'Can I talk to you?'.

Charlie's sleeping on my left but we've both got our backs to each other.

"No."

Charlie will know what to do.

I slowly turn on my side and the bed creaks as he does the same until we're facing each other.

"Are you gonna tell me what happened?" Charlie asks me quietly and I sigh. I really _really_ want to, but I don't want him to know how badly I treated Winn.

But Charlie's the only one who gives me the advice I need. I can't talk to Scott about this shit, he won't understand.

Charlie's never judged me before, he's given me shit and he's gotten mad at me but he's never judged me.

"We bumped into Bryce and this other guy on Saturday," I tell Charlie because there's no point beating around the bush. His face remains neutral as I briefly explain who Ryan is and what he did when he saw me with Winn.

"So what did you tell him?"

It's dark but I can see Charlie's expression clearly and he's waiting for me to tell him what I did that fucked us up so bad.

"I said that Winn was blackmailing me to hang out with him," I say quietly and Charlie's face hardens. "I... Ryan said some shit. Insulted him and then he..."

"He what?" Charlie asks coldly because he can already tell that this is just going to get worse.

"Ryan spat in his face," I say and then I pause. "I laughed and I let Winston walk away."

You have no idea how many times I've relived that night. Fuck, I've even dreamt about it. Sometimes it's a nightmare and sometimes it's my own made-up version where I stand up to Ryan and then take Winn to the Ferris wheel. 

You can guess which one I prefer.

Charlie sighs and he shakes his head. "Fuck. Monty..."

I wish that was it. I wish I kept my fucking mouth shut.

"Then I went after him," I say slowly and Charlie's looking at me with this look on his face like he knows that this can't be fixed. "He told me that I needed time because I...because I wasn't ready for a relationship."

Charlie looks like he might agree with Winn but he presses his lips together in a thin line.

"So I..." But I don't know if I can say the next part. As soon as those words are out, at least three people will know what I said. "I said...some hurtful stuff."

My voice is barely audible but the room is silent apart from Scott's snoring and I know Charlie heard me.

Charlie doesn't say anything for a moment and I just sit there thinking about the fight we had in the hotel room.

"Do you... Love him?" Charlie asks quietly catching me off guard.

What has this got to do with anything?

Love him?

No. Of course not.

I can't love him. I wouldn't even know how to.

"I-"

"Monty..." Charlie sighs and I'm preparing myself for the worst. "You know I'm your friend but... I think you've gone too far this time. You had someone who was willing to stand by you through anything, through all your bullshit and problems and drama. And you lost it and for what? For Bryce's approval?"

I don't say anything. He's telling me off. It's not what I wanted but maybe this is what I need.

"If you love him..." Charlie says and his voice is barely above a whisper but he's angry with me. I've never seen him this mad. "Then you leave him the fuck alone because all you seem to do is hurt him and yourself in the process."

And I'm trying to take it in but I just... I don't know what to think.

Charlie's not one to give up on anyone. Ever. And now he's telling me to throw in the towel. 

How can I just leave him? How do I carry on living my life knowing that he loved me and all I did was hurt him?

But Charlie isn't finished. " Or you fight for him. And I mean it. Fucking _fight_ for him. Don't just apologise and call it a day, you're gonna need to put in a hell of a lot of effort to make him forgive you. And even then, he might _still_ not forgive you. I wouldn't be surprised. So if you're not ready to put a hundred percent of yourself into this relationship to make it work, then don't bother. And just leave him alone because you'll just keep on hurting him."

It's dead silent for a few second, even Scott stops snoring and I just lay there and think about Charlie's advice.

I _am_ hurting him. Fuck, I've hurt him more times than I can count. And I'll just keep doing it if I don't get my shit together.

"I'm gonna go get something to drink," Charlie says quietly. He sits up and he gets off the bed. The atmosphere in the room is suffocating and I don't blame him for wanting to leave.

I can't imagine myself being able to put so much effort into a relationship. Especially a relationship with a guy. Not with my dad around.

Did we ever really have a chance at being happy together?

Maybe in another life, maybe a few years from now, maybe never.

***

I expected Charlie to maybe give me a bit of a cold shoulder, treat me differently but we're back to school on Monday and everything seems okay.

"Any plans for Thanksgiving?" Charlie asks at lunch and I shrug.

We don't celebrate Thanksgiving, it's an American holiday and my dad hates it.

Scott swallows the food that's in his mouth and then he looks at me. "You can hang out with my family if you want, you know how much they love you."

But it's a family holiday and as much as I love Scotty, he's not family.

He was once, but he's not anymore. I hate to say it but we _have_ drifted apart.

I shake my head. "Nah, it's alright. I'll just catch up on schoolwork or some shit."

Scott raises his eyebrows but he doesn't comment. I'm so behind on schoolwork after having all those days off but fortunately, at least Lawrence is extending my deadline.

I just gotta keep my head down, work in school, play our last game and then playoffs will be all that matters. I need to conserve my energy.

"Can I tell you guys something?" Charlie asks and I look up from my food.

"What is it?" I say with my mouth full and Charlie looks disgusted.

"You can't laugh," he says and Scott raises an eyebrow at me.

"When have we ever laughed at you?" Scott asks and I snort but Charlie ignores that.

"Anyway. So you remember the party, right?" Charlie asks and I scoff.

Briefly. I remember vomiting and embarrassing myself in front of the whole team.

"I kind of... Erm. I talked to Alex at the party," he says and hearing that name...

I wish I could pass Winn in the hallway without looking but every time I see him I stare at him without meaning to. And every time I see him he's with either Alex or Tyler.

He doesn't feel mine anymore.

But I made a promise, I'm not ready for a relationship. I've just gotta leave him alone. This has got to be the hardest thing I've ever done.

Scott is waiting for Charlie to tell us the next part of his oh-so-interesting story, I roll my eyes.

"I think we kind of hit it off?" Charlie says uncertainly and he looks at us for approval. "Like. We just had this great conversation and it was just... Different."

"Do you like him?" Scott asks and I want Charlie to nod.

I want Charlie to like Alex and I want Alex to like Charlie. I want Alex out of the way.

But Charlie shrugs. "I don't know... Maybe? I'd love to get to know him."

Yes. Yes. Take Alex out of the way, spend time with him.

"You should talk to him," I say and then an idea pops into my head when I see the posters on the wall. "Take him to the Winter Formal."

That's still a few weeks away, but at least then he won't be able to go with...

"I don't know..." Charlie hesitates. "Don't you think that's a bit much for a first date?"

Charlie's always been there to give me advice, I'm returning the favour and the fact that it could benefit both of us is just a small detail.

"So go as friends," Scott says casually and I'm glad he's backing me up on this one.

Maybe I can ask Winn to the Winter Formal? That should make him happy, right?

Charlie shrugs. "Yeah...okay. I'll ask him."

***

We get Wednesday, Thursday and Friday off for Thanksgiving and Charlie still hasn't asked Alex to the dance. He needs to hurry up before...

Every time I see him in the hallway, all I want to do is asking him about what Zach said. Did he really mean it?

I stare at him from the distance and I try to figure out whether he's hurting like me or if he's moved on already. I look and I look and he never looks back. He just laughs with all of his friends.

Space and time. Hopefully not too much time.

I still haven't really talked to Estella about what happened last week but she's a smart girl, she can work it out herself.

She spends most of her time in her room now, mom and dad argue almost every day but we've learnt to treat it like background noise.

It's normal now but I still get surprised when Estella comes into my room to check up on me. Probably to make sure I'm not going back to laying in bed 24/7.

No, after the mess I made on Saturday...I'm never drinking ever again. I'll forever be indebted to Charlie for paying for that Luke's couch.

"Homework?" she asks when she sees me sitting at my desk with bits of paper in front of me.

I nod and I sigh. I'm obviously not going to manage to do all of them but I can at least try to finish some.

She stands in the doorway uncertainly and then she steps inside. I hope she's not going to ask about Winn.

But Estella has other plans. "Did Scott tell you why we broke up?"

I've chosen to forget about the whole Scott thing, it's in the past. I've got enough on my mind.

I put my pen down on the desk and I sigh. Why is she choosing to ask about it now? But it may be good to think about something else for once...

"He told me you broke up with him. That's about it," I say and Estella nods slowly. And judging by her reaction, Scott either lied to me or there's more to the story.

She walks over to my bed and I hear the bed squeaking as she sits down. I could continue to face the wall and talk to her like this but it doesn't feel right. So I turn my chair until I'm facing her and she's sat on the edge of my bed.

I don't ask her what she wants, I just wait like Charlie waits for me to tell him shit.

"He...erm. He wanted me to meet his parents," Estella says quietly and he rubs her knees with her hands. I was supposed to meet _his_ parents... "I kind of...freaked out? I thought we were moving too fast but now I'm not so sure..."

I sigh. I really don't want Scott and Estella to get together again, it's just better for all of us if they don't.

Estella is still young, she still has time to date plenty of guys. Scott doesn't have to be one of them.

"Why are you telling me this?" I ask and I raise an eyebrow and Estella looks nervous.

"I just- I wanted to know if...I mean-"

"How I'd feel if you and Scott were to get back together?" I interrupt her and she nods uncertainly.

How _would_ I feel?

It would be weird, definitely weird and it might take me a while to get used to it. But if they break up again...I'll be forced to choose sides and I don't want to lose another friend.

"Do you love him?" I ask her. I'm channelling my inner Charlie, he's given me enough advice for me to know what to say in situations like this.

Estella shrugs. "Maybe? I'm not sure...But when I'm with him, everything just feels so right," she pauses and she sighs. She doesn't expect me to understand. "I didn't even care about what other people might think, especially you. I didn't care if you found out because Scott...being with him just made everything so... easy."

And I can feel my chest tightening again. One deep breath and it still hurts but it hurts a little less.

I want to tell Estella that when you have something like that, you hold onto it and you never let it go. You make sure not to lose it. But wouldn't that make me a hypocrite?

***

The day was a disaster from the start.

First I woke up at five in the morning because I had the nightmare again. 

I was drenched in sweat and I kept on replaying the nightmare in my head. Winn kept on getting picked on by this guy, he was getting insulted, beaten, laughed at and all I could do is watch from the distance.

It's not the first time I've had this same exact dream.

And I try screaming and I try shouting and I try running and nothing ever works. And then, when Winston lays down on the floor, a puddle of blood around him, covering his bruised face with trembling hands, the attacker turns around and he gives me a knowing smirk. 

I want to convince myself that I don't know who the attacker is, but I do know. It's the same face I see in the mirror every morning.

I couldn't sleep after that. I just wanted to pick my phone up and call him. I didn't care if he was still mad at me, I just wanted to hear his voice. Anything to replace the Winston that is in my dreams.

But I didn't call him.

I'm giving him space. I'm giving myself space.

No, I'm not giving myself space. Who am I trying to kid?

I stayed up rereading all of our old text messages until the sun was up. I read the messages and I matched them up with memories until my head hurt and I couldn't take it anymore.

And then it was time to get up and try to live my life.

Even though we don't celebrate Thanksgiving, it's still kind of hectic at home because mom wants to make a special dinner for dad and make us all sit down and eat together like a family. 

Estella and I help around all day, cleaning, running errands, helping in the kitchen.

I know that dad has been in a very bad mood lately and that she's trying to avoid another fight. 

But dad's in a bad mood before he even opens the door.

I hear the door banging downstairs and I hear his loud footsteps as he walks into the living room and then back into the hallway.

And I'm used to it by now, or at least I thought I was. I thought it was just another bad day at work.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

"Montgomery de la Cruz! Downstairs! _Now!"_

And I know better than to make him wait. 

My heart starts pounding in my chest, but it can't be. He can't know. This is about something else. I've done a lot of shit, I wonder what he wants to punish me for.

Estella is already standing outside of her room when I walk out of mine, she's got that look on her face, the look she gets when she thinks dad and I are going to start fighting again.

I ignore it. Whatever it is, I'm sure I can get out of it. And if he hits me...could do both of us some good.

He's pacing up and down the living room, mom is standing in the kitchen doorway looking him up and down like she expects him to explode any moment now.

"What is it, dad?" I ask and I put my hands in my pockets because they're starting to sweat. I'm starting to sweat.

Estella is standing at the top of the stairs, I can see her but dad can't.

If he tries to hit me, I've got the perfect escape planned out. I can grab my keys from the hallway and walk straight out of the door.

He spins around and he's got this murderous look on his face. This can't be good.

"Guess who came to visit me at work today?" he hisses at me and he stops a meter away from me.

I shrug. He hates it when I do that, he's hit me for less.

"I'm speaking to you, _boy!"_ he shouts and his eyes are full of rage as he looks at me with his jaw clenched.

"I don't know dad!" I shout back. "Who the fuck came to visit you?"

And I'm surprised that I'm not bleeding out on the floor already. Something's definitely wrong, he should be beating me to shit right now.

But he's keeping his distance and he looks disgusted just looking at me.

"Ryan Carter, you remember him?"

And I forget how to breathe. 

What the fuck did I expect? Ryan's not stupid, he must have figured it out.

And our whole fight... it was for nothing. 

I nod slowly but my neck feels stiff, my whole body feels stiff and I'm not sure how to move.

"He said I should keep a close eye on you, said you've been hanging around with faggots," he tells me and I can see how livid he is. He's not shouting, probably worried that someone might hear that his son is a fag. Wouldn't want to ruin his reputation.

"Dad-"

"You a faggot?"

And he's not just angry, he's scared, disappointed, confused. He doesn't want it to be true. _I_ don't want it to be true.

"Maybe I am," I say quietly and I look down at my feet. "So what?"

A fag. Another term for a homo. A homo. Someone who is attracted to the same gender. 

So yeah, I guess I am a fag.

And I try to convince myself that there's nothing wrong with that, it never feels wrong when I'm with him. But I can sense the atmosphere in the room and this would not be a good time to explain why I like fucking guys so much. Well, one guy.

No one's saying anything. 

It's silent in the house. Like the silence you hear just before a storm hits.

"Get out of my house," my dad says quietly and I wish I could but I can barely move. "I said...Get. _Out."_

I swallow hard and I look up to see his face. He looks disgusted. He probably wishes he could hit me but he's disgusted just by looking at me, he doesn't want to go anywhere near me.

My legs are shaking and my hands are trembling and I feel numb inside, my head feels heavy.

And then my dad scoffs and he spits at me. 

The spit lands on my face and I clench my jaw. I don't have the strength to hit him, I don't even have the strength to move.

And now I understand why Winn was so upset on Saturday. Getting insulted, getting spat on, feeling like no one is on your side...I understand now.

I let out a small breath and I wipe my face with my shirt. He stays watching me but I turn my back on him and I turn to the door.

I don't even bother putting my shoes on, I just grab my keys, open the door and I run straight out.

I close the door behind me but then it opens almost immediately after and I hear Estella's voice.

"Monty!"

"Get back inside!" I shout at her and I run to my car. I don't need to drag her into this mess with me.

"Monty! Wait!" she shouts again as I get into the car and I shut the door behind me.

She's faster than she looks, and she manages to climb into the car before I can even get the key into the engine. Would be a lot easier if my hands weren't shaking.

"Get out Estella," I tell her but my voice is shaky and I don't really want her to leave me. Not her. Please don't fucking leave me.

"I'm staying right where I am," she tells me and she puts her seat belt on. "I told you, I'm not going anywhere."

***

Scott stares at us and the smile on his face immediately vanishes. We're interrupting.

"You said I could come over for Thanksgiving?" I say and he sees my face, he sees my trembling hands, he sees that I'm not wearing any shoes and he steps aside and lets us come inside.

"Who is it, sweetheart?" Scott's mom shouts from the living room and Scott gives me one last look before walking back into the living room. "Just Monty and his sister, I invited them."

I realise how awkward I just made everything by bringing Estella over to Scott's house. 

They're more mature about it than I thought. Scott tells Estella to wait for us in the living room while he gets me some new socks. 

It's just an excuse for getting me alone to talk and Estella knows that but she goes anyway.

I sit on the edge of Scott's bed and I put the socks on that he threw at me from his drawer. He stands by the door, arms crossed over his chest and he's not sure what to say.

"What happened?" he asks and I can tell that he's confused. I don't have any bruises or cuts or anything, so what the hell happened? What am I doing showing up at his doorstep with my younger sister who is also his ex-girlfriend?

I try to clear my head but I can't. I keep on wiping my face with the back of my hand because it stills feels like I've got my dad's spit on my face. Maybe I'm just imaging it.

I can hear laughter coming from downstairs and Estella's laugh is amongst them, she's good at pretending, at blending in. She got the good genes, probably from my mother.

"He knows," I say quietly but that doesn't really mean much to Scott. "My dad, he...he found out. About..."

"Winston?" Scott finishes for me and I nod. I can't form any words, it feels like there's glass stuck in my throat. "Oh God...I'm so sorry. I-"

"Don't be," I interrupt him and I try to swallow down the piece of glass. "It's not your fault."

It's mine. I should have been more careful. 

I really wish we hadn't fought. I really wish I could speak to him right now. I know that he'd be able to make me feel better.

If Estella hadn't gotten into the car... I have no doubts that I would be standing at his doorstep right about now.

"So...what now?" Scott asks and I wish I knew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not a fan of this chapter but it had to be written. im sorry if you dont really like wonty being apart but i really dont think monty deserves to be forgiven so quickly and some time apart could do them both good


	24. Hurt People Just Hurt More People

**Chapter Twenty-Four**

Estella didn't stay the night at Scott's house, all of us agreed that it would be better for her to go back home. 

She's been back there for a few days now.

She's supposed to text me when dad has finally calmed down a little and it's safe to come back. But it's Sunday and I'm still waiting for a text.

She brought some of my stuff over late last night so dad wouldn't catch her. She packed some clothes, school work and some toiletries into a bag and she brought them to Scott's house.

I was supposed to be sleeping when she came over but I woke up when I felt Scott get out of bed and then the sound of the front door opening. 'Stella was just supposed to drop the bag off and go back home but she stayed for some time. I don't want to know what she and Scott talked about.

Scott's parents don't ask me a lot of questions but I know that they question Scott when they think I'm not looking. 

I told Scott that I can find another place if I'm causing problems but he told me that he's not letting me go anywhere. And then I heard him argue with his parents in the kitchen.

All that bullshit I said about Scott not being family...What the fuck was I thinking? This guy is my fucking brother and I don't know what I'd do without him.

Charlie knows by now, he's even offered to let me stay at his house if Scott's parents have enough of me.

Everyone's looking out for me.

It's Monday tomorrow. Actually, it might be Monday already. I'm not sure. I just know that I have to go to school soon.

School. After everything that's happened school doesn't even seem real anymore.

I've wanted to call Winston so many times. But every time I see his number on the screen, I remember my last conversation with him and I put my phone away. 

I can't remember the last time I slept properly. Not since that night at the carnival.

I wonder if he's having trouble sleeping too. If he also stays awake for hours at night looking up at his ceiling and remembering all the memories we've shared.

It was all real and it was the best.

I wonder if he ever hugs his pillow, the one on the right side because that's where I sleep, and if he wishes I was there with him. I wonder if he replays every conversation we've ever had and if he wishes we could have said something else. I wonder if he misses me.

I know I fucking miss him and doing all that stupid shit doesn't help.

I've been sleeping in Scott's bed ever since Wednesday night. Sometimes he stays awake with me and he encourages me to talk but I say nothing. Sometimes he stays up until I pretend that I'm sleeping and sometimes he goes to bed before me because he knows that I prefer just sitting there and thinking about all the messes I've made.

Sometimes I close my eyes and I lay there and I try to imagine Winn laying in his own bed, in the same exact position as me and I try to imagine what he's feeling right now.

It starts off well, but then someone else enters the room and he gets into bed with him. And Winston cuddles up to this faceless guy the same way he used to cuddle up to me. He puts his head on the guy's chest and he throws his arm over the guy's middle and they fall asleep together. The faceless guy who was in his living room the day I came to see him.

I'm sure he was just a friend. Because who else could it be? He wouldn't just fuck some random guy not even a week after we have a fight. He wouldn't, it's not like him.

My dad knows now. If I had the balls to do it, I would call him right now and I'd tell him that I want him. I want all of him and I don't care what anyone thinks about that.

I'm sitting up in bed, reaching for my phone, adrenaline is pumping through my body.

One call. It could change everything.

But then I take a second too long to think about it and the idea doesn't sound so good anymore.

Time and space. He wanted it and I have to respect that.

***

"You sleep at all last night?" Scott asks me and he eyes the cup of coffee in my hand.

Scott's parents have left for work a few minutes ago and now it's just us left at the dining table eating our breakfast in silence.

I'm not a fan of coffee, I'll admit it, but I feel like shit and I'll sacrifice my tastebuds for some extra energy.

Morning weights, practice and then finally the last match on Friday.

I nod. I must have managed to get at least half an hour of sleep and that has to count for something.

Scott sighs and shakes his head at me. "That boy is gonna be the death of you."

My eyes flicker towards Scott and I glare at him. He doesn't get to talk about Winston, he doesn't know him like I do. This isn't his fault. This is all on me.

"Come on Monty, can't you just lose your pride and text him?" Scott groans and he stares at me from across the dining table. "Don't you think this is getting a bit much? You're upset, he's upset and it's gonna continue being like that until you decide to talk it out like adults."

I wonder if this has anything to do with his late-night conversations on the phone. I'm not stupid, I know what my sister's voice sounds like even if he locks himself in the bathroom and tries to act discreet about it.

But then I remember Charlie's advice and I shake my head as I down the last bit of coffee in the mug. "I'm giving him time."

Scott rolls his eyes at how stubborn I'm being. "Okay, that's fine but don't you think you could talk it out, work out your problems and _then_ give each other some time to think about it?"

I turn around and I walk over to the sink where I leave my empty coffee mug. 

Scott thinks he's helping, he's not. I'll take Charlie's advice over his any day.

"Monty! Are you even listening to me?"

I groan and I turn my body to face him. "Yes, I hear you and I'm choosing to ignore your shitty advice," I say and Scott frowns. "Charlie thinks it's better if I just leave Winn alone and-"

"What?" Scott asks and he scrunches up his face. "You're listening to Charlie's advice? The guy whose last relationship was in second grade when sharing sweets counted as being together?"

I see his point, but Charlie's gay and Scott is not. Scott won't understand.

I lean with my back against the sink and I shrug. Scott scoffs, he stands up from the table and he walks over to me.

"You listen to me, work your shit out before it's too late," Scott tells me. I open my mouth to argue with him but he cuts me off. "I don't wanna know what you did or what he did, you can't undo that. But you can make up for it."

"I'm not sure I can," I say and I press my lips together. 

Charlie said it, I've gone too far. I can't think of anything that could fix this between us. 

I bite my bottom lip. I don't feel like I have anything left. My parents know and they think it's disgusting, my football team thinks I'm a mess, Winston doesn't want to see me and Charlie acts like everything's fine but he's been looking at me differently ever since I told him what I did.

"You listen to me, Montgomery de la Cruz," Scott says in a stern voice and I flinch remembering what happened the last time someone said my full name. "You talk it out and then you decide whether or not you want to keep fighting for each other. You have no idea what he's thinking and he can't read your mind either. _Talk_ for fuck's sake."

I tried talking to him but maybe I tried too soon. He was still pissed at me when I went to talk to him, I should have given him more time.

Scott puts his hands on my shoulders and then he sighs. "You know I'll always be here, no matter what. You can fuck over all the Winstons in the world and I'll still be here."

I laugh at him but my heart feels heavy and my throat feels tight.

Scott not being family? Yeah, I must have been on something when I said that.

"Aww come here, Scotty," I say and I wrap my arms around his shoulders and I bring him closer to me. 

Scott chuckles as he pats my back and even though it's nothing like hugging Winston, he still makes me feel somewhat safer.

***

Scott's parents are taking me out for dinner. 

Wednesday. I've been staying with them for a week now.

The only time I get to see Estella is at school and sometimes at night if she manages to sneak away to bring me some of my stuff from home.

She tells me that dad hasn't said a word all week, he walks around the house, glares at furniture and grunts whenever he doesn't like something. 

He just found out that his only son is a faggot and he doesn't know how to deal with it. Me too dad, me too.

It's not a fancy restaurant, it's more like a casual family outing restaurant. Somewhere you'd take your kid for their thirteenth birthday.

I say that I'll have whatever Scott's having because I don't want to seem like I'm using them for money or food or anything. My dad would call it begging.

We're sat near the glass wall so I know that everyone can see us from outside. But I can see them too.

I watch people walk past and I try to guess where they're going, what they're doing, what they're feeling.

And then my heart stops.

I never expected to see him here. I'm not even sure if it's him at first, he's far off in the distance and there's no way that he can see me.

But it's him alright.

He's not alone. There's a guy walking beside him, blonde jaw-length hair, much taller than Winston but he looks to be of my built. 

At first, I think that it's just some random guy walking past, but then they stay walking beside each other and the blonde guy says something and Winn laughs. 

So the faceless guy has a face. Or at least I think it's him.

There's no air left in my lungs. How can he be walking around with someone already? He can't be. He wouldn't do that.

I keep my eyes on their hands, waiting for a touch or anything that might tell me who the fuck this guy is. Their hands never touch, but they're not far from doing so.

Maybe it's a family member. But they look nothing alike. A distant cousin maybe? A friend from Hillcrest. Yes, that's it. He's just a friend.

I could walk out of here right now, go up to him while he's standing by the bench waiting for blonde to tie his shoelace. I could ask him who the fuck he's walking around with, I'd have every right to.

I wonder if I told him about my dad...he'd have to leave blondie behind and check if I'm okay, ask about my dad and how I'm dealing with it. That's just who he is.

But then the waiter brings our food, they start walking again and Scott's mom asks me about the last football game.

My chance is gone.

***

I'm not going to humiliate myself by talking to him.

He's moved on? Well, so have I.

Scott doesn't approve obviously, he thinks I'm being childish. I think I have every right to be mad at him.

I thought Alex was the problem, the thing that was standing in my way. But Charlie's manage to get Alex out of the way and Winn found a replacement.

Our last game. It's a sure win, we're already in the playoffs and coach thinks I shouldn't be playing too much, I need to conserve my energy.

But I'd love to bash some heads, tackle some guys. Might make me feel better.

We're meant to be going on the field in a second but Zach is nowhere to be seen and everyone's starting to worry even though Coach is telling us to stay calm and that everything's fine.

We don't understand what's going on until Zach comes back holding a large rolled-up rainbow flag. And then we're even more confused.

What the fuck is this guy doing?

"Zachy, what the hell? We're meant to be going on in a minute," I tell him and I try to ignore my rapid heart rate at the sight of the rainbow flag.

I'm not stupid, I know what it stands for.

Some people know that I got kicked out from home and that I'm living with Scotty for now, but I'm sure they don't know why. It's better to keep it that way.

Zach unrolls the flag in one slight flick of the wrist and then he looks around the almost silent locker room. "This is our last game before playoffs, I thought it would be nice to...to show some support for the LGBTQ community."

Charlie is stood beside me and he's got a beaming smile on his face. Diego, Luke and most guys don't seem to mind it, but there are a few guys who are frowning and looking a bit sceptical. This never would have happened if Bryce was still captain.

"If anyone has any objections," Zach says and his eyes rest on me for a moment. "You're free to leave. I'd rather not have people like you on my team."

He doesn't say anything about our quarterback being gay and he doesn't explain how he thought of this. People don't seem to care about that. It's the 21st century for fuck's sake.

There's a low murmur in the room but no one says anything, no one moves and then Zach nods.

"Good," he says and then he passes the flag to our coach. "Now let's go out there and kick some ass."

If this was his way of showing me that the team will support me no matter what...I don't think it was a bad attempt. Not a bad idea at all.

***

I tried getting out of going to the party, I just wanted to go back to Scott's and try to get some sleep, but the guys weren't having any of it. Even Luke said it wouldn't be the same without me.

Still, I stay away from the party, the music, the alcohol. I've learnt my lesson after the last time.

I stay up on the balcony, away from everyone else and I look down at the people partying around the pool. A pool party in December. At least they seem to be having fun.

Playoffs.

A few months ago it was all that mattered to me, now it doesn't seem to mean much.

If only I just focus on winning state...

But I keep on thinking about Wednesday evening. He moved on already.

It hurts. It fucking hurts.

I had him all to myself. Even if we weren't together, I still had him all to myself and we both knew that.

How long ago was it that he made me skip school to catch up on sleep? I sure could use something like that right now. 

Waking up, seeing him sitting beside me...

I fucking miss it. I miss _him_.

I don't know when I got so attached to him. 

Scott told me to talk to him but it seems like it's too late for that. He doesn't even want to see me so why would he want to talk to me?

I spend every single second at night replaying our argument in my head, thinking about things I could have said instead. 

I fucked it up. And in return, he keeps on fucking me up more and more every day.

I just need to get over it, no point crying about it now.

I'm sure Scott will understand if I want to leave now.

I turn my back on the party below me and I head back through the balcony door.

It's much hotter inside than it is out there on the balcony, I didn't notice the cold until now.

The room was empty when I came up here, still is. But then a guy walks out from the bathroom and he looks at me.

"Just using the bathroom," he tells me like he needs a reason for being here.

I nod and then we just stand there looking at each other.

I can't help it but my eyes travel up and down his body.

He's skinny, not as skinny as Winn but still skinny. He's also much smaller than Winston and they have a similar colour of hair.

I think back to my first time meeting Winston. How did he know I was...

The guy starts walking towards me and I don't move.

"Monty, right?" he asks and he stares into my eyes. My heart rate picks up. This is me moving on.

I nod and I let my eyes rest on his lips for a few seconds. It worked with Winn, hopefully, it'll work with this guy too. I've never seen him ever before and I'll probably never see him again. Perfect.

"You were good out there, on the field," he tells me but it's just small talk.

We both know what we want. I can see it in his eyes, the way he's looking me up and down, the way he's moving towards me.

This feels so wrong. So _so_ wrong but who gives a shit.

This small talk is boring, it's giving me time to back out. I don't want to back out.

I grab the guy's shirt and I pull him towards me. He's too small, not skinny enough. but maybe if I close my eyes...

And he kisses me. 

I keep my eyes shut as I feel his lips moving on mine. But he tastes all wrong, feels all wrong, smells all wrong.

His hands start moving down to my jeans and I feel his hands trying to unbuckle my belt. I don't want to keep kissing him, it's ruining the illusion.

I push his head down and he doesn't resist. 

And if I keep my eyes shut, if I don't look down... it'll just be like it's _him_ instead.


	25. Circles

**Chapter Twenty-Five**

"But you want a guy, right? Not a girl?" 

I shrug. Is it really such a good idea? Coming to the Winter Formal with some random guy just to make him jealous? Scott and Charlie think it is.

Scott has given up trying to make me talk to Winston, he's seen him with the blonde guy in town yesterday and we all think it's better if the two of us move on. He already has.

We sit at our table at lunch and we look around for potential dates for me. I don't really know how I feel about this. I don't want to hurt Winston but I also don't wanna show up alone like a loser.

"What about that guy?" Charlie asks and he points in some direction. I don't even look, I gave up ten guys ago.

Scott shakes his head. "Nah, pretty sure he's got a girl."

Charlie is against hurting Winston, but he also wants me to move on. Scott wants us to work it out still but we both know that's never going to happen now.

I keep on chewing my sandwich. Alex is going with Charlie and I have no doubt that Winston will either come alone or he'll skip the party. Maybe he'll just be there for yearbook. I just don't think I'll be able to see him with someone else.

"I'd go with you but, you know..." Charlie says and I scoff.

Sure, showing up with my gay friend will _so_ make him jealous. I've never seen Winston get jealous and I think it would take a lot more than Charlie to get a reaction out of him.

"I can go with you," Scott tells me casually.

I'm still staying at his house. Almost two weeks now.

Estella has dared to ask dad when I can come back home, he said he doesn't have a son who can come back, not anymore. I laughed when she told me, acted like I couldn't care less.

And then I stayed awake all night thinking about it.

Scott's parents are starting to worry, they want to do something about it. I know that Scott's mom has been thinking about meeting up with my dad and talking this through.

We've kind of moved Scott's room around so that there's some space left for me and I don't have to keep my stuff in some ratty old bag. I've got my own shelf and half of Scott's closet belongs to me.

It's less than I had at home but for some reason, it's better than anything I ever had in my room. I can even tolerate Scott's old Michael Jackson posters.

But I also have chores to do, I help around the house and Scott's parents make sure I do my homework at the same time as Scott. So this is what having parents is like.

"I thought you were going with Estella," I say and Scott exchanges looks with Charlie.

Like I said, he's trying to be discreet about it. But I know he didn't just go to town by himself yesterday.

"I-"

"It's fine," I say. "I'm cool with it."

I would prefer it if Estella could date guys that weren't my best friends, but I at least know Scott and I know that I can trust him. 

I thought Scott may have been using her, but she seems to be happy with him and that's all I care about. Besides, I have other things to worry about.

Scott still doesn't look convinced and he licks his lips. "You sure? I wouldn't want to make things weird between us or-"

"I'm sure," I interrupt him. "Just take her to the dance. She needs a break from all of this shit."

I have no idea what it's like for her at home but I know that it can't be pleasant. She could do with some fun.

"And you?" Charlie asks because the whole purpose of this lunch was to find me a date for the dance. Maybe it's better that I go alone. "Who are you gonna go with?"

I shrug and sigh. Would he still say yes if I asked him? 

It can't hurt to try.

***

I know that he usually stays back after school, he spends most of his time in the darkroom.

I was hoping he'd still be in there and we'd get to talk there but he's on his way out when I walk into the classroom.

"Oh," he says as the door to the darkroom closes behind him.

Yeah. Oh.

He looks back towards the door as if he's thinking about going back in and locking himself in, away from me.

I stand there and I scratch the back of my neck. I need to say something before-

"Did you want something?" Winston asks. He doesn't sound angry, he uses the same polite tone I've heard him use with strangers, cashiers, baristas. 

He moves his shoulders to stop his bag strap from sliding down his shoulder and I clear my throat.

"I was just wondering if..." I say and my heart starts pounding. "If you're going to that dance on Friday?"

It feels like we've done this before. Just going around in circles.

_'Are you asking me to be your date to homecoming?'_

But this time he doesn't smile, he just stands there and he crosses his arms over his chest.

"Yeah, I am," he says and I nod slowly. He's going.

I'm already embarrassing myself by just coming here. Might as well make the most of it.

"With someone?" I ask and his eyebrow twitches and I can see that he's trying his best to keep a straight face.

He shrugs. "Maybe."

Maybe? What's that supposed to mean?

"Oh."

Probably the blonde guy. 

I've imagined this moment about a hundred times in my head. I had everything planned out, every single thing. I knew exactly what I was going to say to make him forgive me.

I can't remember any of it now.

He's still standing there, he's waiting, he's giving me time to apologise.

"Listen, Winn. I..." I say but I have no idea what to say. And I called him by his nickname and my hands are starting to sweat. "I'm sorry. About... everything."

He raises an eyebrow and he licks his bottom lip. I can't help but stare.

"Everything? What's 'everything'?" he asks and my stomach twists and turns.

Do we really have to relive all of that again? Haven't we been through enough?

I flatten my hair down with one hand and I sigh. What am I apologising for? This could take a while.

I can't look at him but I do anyway.

"I'm sorry for beating you up at that party in the summer. I'm sorry Bryce threatened you so you wouldn't talk. I'm sorry for ignoring you when you came to Liberty. I'm sorry for getting mad at you when you told me you got expelled. I'm sorry for... standing you up on that night. I'm sorry for taking Natalie to homecoming, I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry for, erm, pushing you away when you came to see me after the lockdown." I need to take a deep breath. Who knew there was so much to apologise for. He came to see me right after he told Zach that he loves me and then I got uncomfortable when he tried to hug me.

I dare to look up at him, his lips are slightly parted, eyes wide and he doesn't look like he's enjoying thinking about all the stuff I've done to him.

"I'm sorry for... I'm sorry for not defending you in front of Ryan and Bryce. And I'm sorry for what I said later in the hotel room. There's no excuse for that, I shouldn't have said any of that. I had no right," I say. He thinks that's it. He swallows and he opens his mouth but I shake my head and sigh. "I'm sorry for making you feel like you were any less of a person just because of your sexuality. But most of all, I'm sorry for taking you for granted and treating you like...like you were always gonna stick around. You didn't deserve any of that."

I've never had anyone like that in my life. Someone who would keep on giving me second chances even when I fucked it up every time. And I took advantage of that.

He looks at me and we lock eyes for a couple of seconds. But then we look away and he clears his throat.

"Thank you," he says quietly and I sigh with relief.

Scott was right. Talking about it... it hurts. But it hurts less than living every day, not knowing where we stand.

One of us should move. One of us should say something.

I take a deep breath in and then I look at him again. He's not looking at me and he's biting his bottom lip.

"I'm sorry too," he says and I raise an eyebrow.

_He's_ sorry?

"Don't," I tell him and I shake my head. "You have nothing to apologise for."

"I think I do," he says and I know there's no point arguing with him. "I'm sorry for... if I ever made you feel like you weren't enough because we couldn't be seen together. I should have appreciated what we had and I shouldn't have made you feel like you had to come out. So yeah, I'm sorry too."

I scoff quietly. Yeah, I don't have to worry about that anymore. Ryan made sure of it.

We both fucked up. But I fucked up more.

I want to tell him about my dad, I want to ask him if he meant what he told Zach and I want to tell him how much I missed him.

But I say none of those things.

Scott is probably already waiting for me.

"I... It's good to see you," I tell him and he smiles.

He seems to be doing well. Considering.

"You too," he tells me and I try to smile back at him.

We're smiling at each other. We've apologised. We've talked.

But we both know that it's still not okay.

I can feel that something's changed. And we won't be able to go back to the way we used to be, not for a very long time.

***

Letting Scott and Estella come together... probably the dumbest thing I've ever done.

I can't hang around with Scott because that would be awkward, I can't hang around with Charlie because he's with Alex and I don't really have any other friends.

I hang around Zach for a while, he doesn't mention the rainbow flag so neither do I. Then Diego gets rejected by Jessica Davis and he joins the two of us and we sit on the bleachers talking about playoffs.

At least we _were_ talking about playoffs.

"How is it that the three of us are here alone while people like... Tyler Down come here with dates," Diego complains and he shakes his head at the dancefloor where Tyler is dancing with some girl. Poor girl, he doesn't even know how to dance.

Zach sighs. "Yeah... we just seem to be really unlucky."

Or we just don't have the courage to ask the person we want to the dance.

I slept for the first time in weeks last night.

Talking to him...it didn't fix us but it was a step in the right direction.

I still feel like I could have at least tried to ask him to the dance. But I left straight away and he didn't ask me to stay.

I've looked around the room many times but he doesn't seem to be here yet. He said he'd come.

"What's your excuse?" Diego asks turning to me. "Why aren't you here with someone? Natalie or one of those girls from-"

"I'm gay," I say and I clear my throat.

The one person who I never wanted to find out knows. I don't see the point in pretending anymore.

And if Diego doesn't like it... that's his problem.

Diego stares at me. Zach smiles to himself and I just sit there not looking at either of them.

"Oh, shit. Sorry man, I didn't mean-" Diego starts apologising and I chuckle to myself.

"It's fine," I tell him. I've acted so straight for so long that I almost started to believe it myself. Hell, I did believe it until _he_ came along...

"I just- I never..." Diego says and he doesn't think it's disgusting. He doesn't insult me, he doesn't judge me. "Is that why your dad..."

He doesn't have to finish it because my reaction gives it away when I blink and I clench my jaw.

Zach loudly clears his throat. "I need a drink."

"I'll go," I say and I quickly stand up. I need a moment away from them.

I have no doubt that Zach and Diego are going to have a very interesting conversation while I'm gone but I don't mind.

I walk through the dance floor and I spot both Charlie and Scott. 

I've never seen Charlie looks this nervous and happy at the same time before. Alex looks a bit awkward but I'm sure Charlie will help him get out of his comfort zone. He's managed to do it with me.

Scott and Estella... I don't look for too long but they seem happy together. Seeing them together, it's not easy but I also don't get the sudden urge to punch Scott. We'll get there soon, I'll learn to live with seeing them together.

I finally reach the table with the drinks. I'm pretty sure someone's already laced the punch with alcohol but Zach shouldn't mind it.

I take two cups from the table and then I sense someone standing behind me.

"Hey!" 

He came.

Just the sound of his voice is enough to make me nervous.

I leave the cups on the table and I slowly turn my body to face him and he... He looks...

"Hey," I say in return and he grins at me. He looks so happy, the happiest he's been around me in a while.

He's wearing a black tux with a black shirt and my heart starts pounding again. I'm pretty sure that's the same tux he wore to homecoming.

The same tux that I took off of him in his bedroom later that night.

"You look good," he tells me and normally I'd be looking around to see if anyone's heard that but I just smile.

"Thanks," I say and I want to tell him that he looks good too. No, better than good. He-

But my smile vanishes at the sight of the blonde guy coming over to us from the side. 

He did say that he might be coming with a date but I didn't think...

"Hey," he says and he stops and stands dangerously close to Winn.

I blink and I stare. The voice... it's the same guy. And I don't know what to think.

They're not touching, but he's standing so fucking _close_ to him.

Winston looks panicked at first but he quickly manages to start smiling again.

"Monty, Lucas," he says trying to introduce us to each other. "Lucas, Monty."

Lucas. 

He holds his hand out and I study his face trying to figure out who this guy is. But I don't need to, he tells me himself.

"We used to be a thing," he says pointing to Winn as he shakes my hand. I pull my hand away and he laughs as he looks at Winston.

Who the fuck introduces themselves like that? 

_'Hi, I'm Lucas and I used to get my dick sucked by this guy.'_

Yeah, me too bud. You're not special.

But Winston is here with him. Not me.

_'We used to be a thing'._ Past tense. Nothing to worry about.

I'm slightly tempted to reply with 'me too', but then I remember that we were never together. Sure, I took him on dates, I fucked him, I've slept in his bed, I've had breakfast with him, I held him while he cried... but we were never together. And it's my fault. 

Winston looks uncomfortable like he suddenly regrets coming here. I know I do.

"So, er-"

"Excuse me," I interrupt blondie and I walk away without giving them an explanation. 

What the fuck did I expect?

He said he loved me after knowing me for a few weeks, I have no doubt that he'll be back with this guy. It's just a matter of time.

I thought...

I apologised and I knew it wasn't enough. But I thought maybe... maybe he'll see that I _am_ growing up and that I _will_ be ready for a relationship. But he's already moved on.

I'm too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for all the support you guys have been giving me, this book never would have gotten this far if it wasnt for you. even when im having a bad day and i dont feel like writing, i just read some of your comments and it helps me to write so thank you so much, your comments are not ignored.


	26. The End

**Chapter Twenty-Six**

I knew that the name sounded a little too familiar.

Lucas.

I remember Winston telling me about him now.

I left the party a while ago, I promised myself I wouldn't drink today but here I am, flask in my hand, sitting on top of a table, staring at a blank screen.

The frog room. But this time there's nothing playing and the room is silent apart from the sound of the music from the party.

Summer was coming to an end and one day we decided to pull an all-nighter. I was sure he was going to fall asleep first and as time went on, we got more and more comfortable around each other.

Around 2 am, he told me about his ex-boyfriend. Lucas.

Lucas, the first guy who ever broke his heart. The bastard cheated on Winn, so what was he doing hanging around him again?

I didn't think about it before, but now I can't help but wonder if I was a rebound. 

I mean, at the party, he was just looking for someone to hook up with, someone that would take his mind off of his cheating ex. That 'someone' was me.

And after I beat him up, he was sure we were never gonna see each other ever again.

But then I came over and I apologised to him. And for some reason, he saw something in me that made him want to get to know me. I bet he regrets it now.

The flask is empty and I can't even remember who I got it from, one of the guys on the team.

I thought Lucas was my rebound. I couldn't have been more wrong.

I haven't turned the light on in the room, I don't want anyone to know that I'm here. So when the door starts to open, the light coming in from the hallway is almost blinding.

He just stands there in the doorway, I only see his outline because of the darkness but it's enough for me to know it's him. I know every inch of his body.

"What are you doing in here?" he asks me and he walks into the room uncertainly. He closes the door behind him but he doesn't turn the light back on and we're back to sitting in silence.

He hesitates at first and he stands by the door but then I hear him sigh and he walks over to the table and he pushes himself up to sit on it.

Homecoming. He sat where I'm sitting right now and I was the one who walked in.

I wonder if he noticed that I left the party and he knew that I might be in here. Or maybe he wanted to leave the party too and this is his safe place. 

Whatever the reason, we both ended up here. Again.

I still hear the voice from the frog documentary in my head, I'd rather remember than that our conversations in here.

"Just... needed some quiet," I say and I sigh. 

Quiet. Time. Space. That's what I say I need but in reality, there's only one thing that I really need.

"Hmm," Winn says quietly. "Why's that?"

We've been here before, we're just going in circles. What's the point in making up when we both know that sooner or later I'll fuck us both up again.

I sigh. Both of us are looking at the black screen, I've got nothing to lose anymore. My teammates know, my family knows, my friends know. I've already lost the only thing I ever cared about.

"Kinda trying to get over this one guy," I say and neither of us moves. "Really fucked me up."

And he did. He doesn't know how badly he fucked me up.

I hear Winn snort softly. "Yeah? Sounds like you really cared about him."

Cared about him... I sure fucking did. Never again.

"Yeah," I agree and then I clear my throat. "Loved him."

I don't need to look to know that Winn is frozen still. 

That one word that if I had said sooner, maybe we wouldn't be here right now.

But I regret it as soon as it comes out of my mouth. Did I _really_ love him? I feel like I'm abusing the word, it shouldn't be used on someone you've hurt this much.

"Y-y-you did?" Winn stammers uncertainly and I'm not sure if it's his or my heart racing that I hear. 

I shrug in response. I don't know what love is supposed to be like, but what I feel for him... I've never felt like this around anyone. Ever.

Maybe I love him, maybe I just think I do. It's not like it matters now.

Neither of us says anything and all I can hear is the music from the hall switching to a slow song. But he's not there dancing with blondie, he's here with me.

He picks me every time. 

I could ask him what the hell he's doing coming here with his ex, why I've seen them hanging around so much lately and why he was at his house the day I came over to apologise.

None of it matters.

"Do you..." I say breaking the silence. I turn my head to the side to look at him for the first time since he came in. He immediately does the same like he's been waiting to look me in the eye all night.

"Do I what?" he asks and his eyes... God, his fucking eyes and his fucking lips. I could kiss him right here, right now. But I won't, he's not mine to kiss.

"Do you, maybe, wanna dance?" I say because fuck, we're at a dance and I haven't danced all night. It'll be a waste not to dance. But he doesn't say anything and I quickly back out. "Oh fuck, sorry. I don't know what I'm saying, I-"

"Yes." he interrupts me and I look up to see a nervous smile on his face. "I'd love to dance with you."

My hands are shaking as I try to put the flask away in my jacket pocket and I jump off the table and turn my back on him so he doesn't see my trembling hands. He doesn't need to know how much he affects me.

He's already standing, waiting for me when I turn back around and I walk over to him cautiously.

I've never danced with a guy. Girls? Yes, tons. But I'm not sure where my hands are meant to go, if I'm supposed to be leading or if I let him lead.

"I, uh, how do I..." I say as I take one step closer to him and I look down at my hands.

The music from the dance is faint but I can still hear it even though the blood flowing in my ears seems to be louder.

He takes me hands in his before I can start panicking and I remember the last time we held hands. The night when everything was perfect. Right before I fucked everything up.

He puts my hands on his hips and then he places his own hands on my shoulder. He's had practice, probably with Lucas.

I'm so glad that it's almost pitch black and he can't really see my face. Or at least I'm hoping that he can't see my face because fuck, I'm nervous.

We sway from side to side not really sure how this is supposed to work and I try to keep him at at least arm's length away from me but he pulls me closer to him. I wish I could resist but I don't want to.

He puts his head on my shoulder and I tighten my grip on his hips. I wish I could get lost in the moment as we dance in the dark classroom, but all I can think about is that he came here with someone else and he's not mine.

I have about a million things on my mind that I want to say to him but none of them seem appropriate, like they'd ruin the moment.

The song changes after a while but my hands stay on his hips and his head stays on my shoulder because we both know that as soon as we pull apart, we're going to have to deal with the reality of things.

I still hurt him and he's still here with his ex.

I breathe in and I'm pretty sure he can feel my rapid heartbeat but I can feel his too and trust me, it's not that slow either.

I try not to notice that he doesn't quite smell like himself. The other smell... it's faint but it's there. Another reminder that he's not mine.

Shit is so confusing right now. I just wish he'd tell me what happens next.

He says something, his voice barely above a whisper and I can pretend I didn't hear it but I did.

"I loved you too," he said. Or at least I think he did, he may have also said 'I love you too', but what's the difference? Both mean nothing now.

And I don't know if it's the way he's holding me or if it's the way I'm holding him, but we both know that this is goodbye.

***

The light from the party hurts my eyes, after such a long time of sitting in the dark, the light is harsh on the eyes.

I know I look dazed and confused and when Scott notices me he looks worried.

"Hey, where were you? Charlie was getting ready to send a search party for you," Scott tells me as he walks over to me.

I try not to look but I do. My eyes scan the dance floor as I search for a head of dark curly hair. But I don't see it. He must have left.

With Lucas.

I regret not asking now. I should have asked him. What was he doing with Lucas? Are they just friends or are they...

"You okay?"

Scott puts a steady hand on my shoulder and he starts leading me back towards the doors which I just came from. Away from the music, the dance floor, the fun.

I nod. "Yeah. I was just...taking care of something."

Scott pushes the double doors open and he leads me further down the corridor. "With... Winston?"

Winston...

The guy who was almost mine.

I nod because I'm worried that if I open my mouth, my eyes might start watering.

"Did you guys talk?" Scott asks quietly and I'm glad that his hand is on my back because it's the only thing keeping me together right now.

I nod again as the lump in my throat gets larger.

"And?" Scott asks. I'm not sure if he wants a reaction out of me or something but...

"And..." I trail off and I try to swallow down the shard of glass in my throat. "It's over. For good this time."

My voice cracks and I turn my head away from Scott because I can't bear to have him see me like this. Not him. Not anyone.

I just kept on hurting him and hurting him until he couldn't take it anymore. 

I didn't realise how lucky I was to have him until I lost him.

The tears feel hot as they roll down my cheeks but they leave a cold wet trail behind and it feels so fucking uncomfortable.

I try to wipe them away with my hand but they're quickly replaced by new ones.

"It's okay," Scott says quietly and he doesn't force me to look at him.

"I fucking told him I loved him and it didn't change a fucking thing!" I hate how pathetic I sound, how the tears roll down my cheeks and how they gather at my jaw. I use my shoulder to wipe them away and Scott pats me on the back.

"Maybe it's better this way," he tells me and he tries to awkwardly put his arms around my shoulders but I shrug him off.

How is this any fucking better?

I fucking want him. I want him. I want him to myself.

I want him I want him I want him.

But he doesn't want me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter but i felt like this one needed to be short. also i wrote this in like 2 hours so im sorry if there are any mistakes or anything i just wanted to post something for you guys. you guys keep me going i swear i love you all xx  
> also i wont tell you how many times i cried writing this chapter i know i know a bit sad really :)  
> also this isn't actually the end so dont kill me yet xx
> 
> NEW CHAPTER TOMORROW DON'T FRET


	27. Bad At Goodbyes

**Chapter Twenty-Seven**

Come to think of it, we were never really good at goodbyes.

Scott is out again, presumably with my sister and I try my best not to care. 

I'm just glad that I have Scott to help me deal with all this shit.

I think I kept both of us awake last night.

I didn't cry once we got home but I did stay in bed and I talked to Scott until the sun came up.

Goodbye.

The words were never spoken but the goodbye was there.

I'm helping Scott's mom in the kitchen - peeling potatoes while she seasons the chicken. I'll do anything to get my mind off of him.

It hurts knowing that even after everything we've been through, we don't get the happy ending that we deserve.

No, _we_ didn't deserve a happy ending. He does. I don't.

There's a loud rapid knock at the door and I wonder if Scott forgot his keys again. He's been going out more frequently now that he's not scared to be caught with my sister.

"I'll get it," I tell Scott's mom and she smiles at me in return.

I wipe my dirty hands on my jeans as I walk to the door. 

I turn the key in the lock and I open the door ready to scold Scott for forgetting his keys again.

"Scotty, I swear to-"

But it's not Scotty.

How is he _here?_ At Scott's house?

He stands on the doorstep, hands in his pockets, lips set in a thin line and his chin is hidden by his scarf.

His scarf...

I'm not sure what to do at first and we just stand there staring at each other until Scott's mom asks me if Scott is back.

"I, erm, no," I say and I'm relieved that I can look away from him. "It's... a friend."

I look back at Winn and he's still stood there with the same expression on his face.

Is he... Angry?

"Come in," I tell him simply and I step to the side so he can enter.

He stands in the hallway and he looks around. I want to ask him what he's doing here but I don't feel like having a conversation with him in the hallway. I sigh and I start walking up the stairs because I know he'll follow me. We reach the top of the stairs and neither of us says anything as I lead us to Scott's room.

It's a mess. Scott's not one to tidy his shit up but with me added to the mix, the room looks like a tip. Clothes are all over the floor, the bed, the chair. Cups and plates are on the nightstand and next to it because we ran out of space.

I try to move the clothes away from the bed so there's room to sit but Winn doesn't care about sitting.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asks and he shuts the door.

I turn around, a mixture of mine and Scott's clothes in my arms.

Tell him what?

My eyebrows furrow and I dump the clothes into Scott's desk.

"About your dad," Winn continues and I look down at the ground. How does he...

I shrug and Winn scoffs at me. "Fuck. Monty."

"Would it have changed anything?" I ask.

Goodbye. Yeah right. You don't just walk away from something like this.

He looks at me, jaw practically on the floor and he shakes his head.

"Would it have- God, you're _unbelievable_ ," he groans and he runs a hand down his face. "We were there in that room for God knows how long and you had _every_ opportunity to tell me about it. Why didn't you?"

I shrug again. It didn't feel right to tell him. If I had told him, he'd feel like he'd have to stick around. And he would have, just like he's doing right now. And it wouldn't be good for either of us. He said it himself, we need space.

"You stood there with your arms around me and you didn't say a thing," he says like I need reminding. "And then this morning I find out that your dad..."

And he locks eyes with me and sighs like he still can't believe I didn't tell him.

"How did you...?" I ask but really I'm just stalling, dreading the conversation about my dad.

"Alex," he says simply and I roll my eyes. Fucking Charlie falling in love with people within a week and telling them all his secrets. And mine.

Winston sighs and some of his anger seems to go away. "So... What happened? Did you... tell him?"

I scoff and I look away. Tell him? I'm not suicidal. Not anymore.

"Monty..." Winn says softly as I sit down on the bed and I put my head in my hands. "I would have wanted to know. I could have helped."

But he was mad at me and I didn't want to feel like I was manipulating him into feeling sorry for me.

I've somehow managed to erase that memory from my mind. Coming downstairs, seeing his face, him spitting on me...

It's all just a blur.

Scott has tried to get me to talk about it many times before, I often came up with excuses or I just ignored him until he got the hint.

But I've already said it, this isn't Scott.

The bed sinks again as I feel him sitting down beside me and I take my hands away from my head.

"He... He found out from Ryan," I say quietly and Winn almost flinches at the sound of the name. "I didn't see the point in denying it."

He doesn't need to know the details. How my own father was too disgusted to look at me, how he spat in my face, how badly my hands were shaking after as I ran out the door.

"He reacted... Badly?" Winn asks stupidly and I roll my eyes.

"What do you think?"

He presses his lips together and he turns his head to look away from me. His hands are resting on his knees and part of my wishes that I could hold his hand, the other part wishes he wasn't here at all.

I sigh deeply and I mentally thank him for not apologising, he's got nothing to apologise for.

I feel like maybe he wants me to tell him more about my dad but I don't wanna make myself think about that night ever again.

"So...." I say and he turns his head back towards me. "Lucas."

It's obviously a poor attempt at changing the conversation but Winn doesn't object. He knows not to push me.

I've spent the night wondering what they were doing hanging out together. I didn't see them leave but I was certain that they left together and then after...

Was Lucas the one taking that tux off of him this time?

Winn shrugs. "He's a friend."

I chuckle dryly. Friend? Yeah, right.

"Didn't he cheat on you?" I remind him. We both remember that all-nighter we pulled during the summer, I'm not going to let him pretend that it never happened.

Winn sighs softly. "People change. I thought you of all people would understand that."

I look away. I still don't believe that Lucas wouldn't cheat again if he got the chance to. I made a lot of mistakes with Winn, but I've never repeated the same one twice. Surely that makes me a better choice than blondie.

I want to ask him so many questions. Did they leave together? Did he sleep over at Winn's house? Did he, too, stay up all night thinking about us dancing in that room?

"I don't want us to fight," Winn then says and he tries to smile. 

Fight? This is nothing compared to any of our previous fights.

I don't say anything. I don't want to be around him. I can't see him with anyone else.

"I miss you," he says and I look up at him. My heart is hammering inside my chest. Is he...?

"I miss talking to you," he adds and he's still looking me in the eyes and neither of us looks away. But then he blinks and he holds his hand out. "Friends?"

Freinds. _Friends?_

What the fuck?

I know what he tastes like, I know what he feels like, I know what he looks like when he comes. And he thinks that we can just be-

"Friends," I repeat. That puts me and Lucas in the same boat. 

I look at his hand and I hesitate to shake it. But then I reach for his hand and I grip it tightly. His hand feels slightly wet and really cold and I wish I could stay there and hold his hand.

But I let go and he stands up quickly.

He doesn't move from there, he just stays standing and looking around the messy room.

"I hope you and your dad..." he trails off and then he sighs and looks back at me. "I hope you're doing okay. With everything. And if you ever need to talk..."

I nod. He wants to stick around. Even though I've hurt him, even though I've fucked both of us up... he still wants to stick around. He shouldn't.

"Thanks," I say quietly but all this small talk... it's killing me. 

It seems like we've both chosen to forget about last night.

***

"But, Mr de la Cruz-"

They don't want us to be around while they try to convince my dad to talk it out with me. I haven't seen him in weeks and I don't know what he'd do if he saw me right now.

"That is _not_ my son!"

I try my best to tune their voices out as I lay on Scott's bed. I'm trying to distract myself by texting Charlie. He's having problems with Alex and by that I mean he's overthinking every single thing until his mind creates a problem.

"Charlie, he-"

"Sssh!" Scott cuts me off and I sigh.

He's got his ear pressed against the bedroom door, he's trying to make out what they're saying. Scott's parents are calm, their voices are barely audible. I don't need to stand by the door to be able to hear my dad's shouts.

I don't know what Scott's hoping for. I've already thought about it, I could apologise to my dad and beg him to let me go back home. I'd save everyone the trouble of having to worry about me.

Scott stands by the door and he starts to chew on his nails. "Fuck, we should be down there with them."

I don't know how Scott thinks he'll be able to convince my dad to come to terms with the fact that I'm gay but I don't question it.

I see Scott's eyes widen as he continues listening and I put my phone away. "What are they saying?"

He looks at me and then looks away. "Dunno."

But he does. Something was said and he doesn't want to tell me what.

"Scotty..."

Scott sighs and he hangs his head. "He's just... he says..."

And I can guess what he's said. Probably something about me being a fag or maybe something about how he'd rather die than let me live under his roof.

"Actually I don't wanna know," I say and I pick my phone up again. I'd rather listen to Charlie rant about Alex than listen to my dad talking about how disgusting he finds me.

I really wish I could just talk to Winn.

***

But I can.

That's what friends do.

"So what's gonna happen now?" he asks me as we sit opposite each other at Monet's. 

I shrug. My dad walked out on Scott's parents after calling them all the insults under the sun. We had dinner together after that and they all acted like nothing was wrong.

"Don't worry, we'll sort it out," Scott's dad told me and I nodded and I smiled and I thanked them for letting me stay with them. At this point, I'd rather be homeless than feel like I'm taking advantage of their hospitality.

"You can always stay with me," he says casually but his eyes are cast down at the coffee cup in his hands.

It sucks. It fucking sucks how I'm finally ready to hold his hand here but I can't. Friends don't do that shit.

"I'll be fine. I'll think of something," I say quickly. I can't think about staying with him, sleeping in his house, seeing him every morning.

He nods slowly and then I take a drink from my coffee so he doesn't expect me to carry the conversation on.

"You busy on Saturday?" he asks me and I raise my eyebrows. Well, this is unexpected.

On Friday we have a playoff game and everyone's stressing out about it. But Saturday? I don't think I have anything planned.

I shrug. "Don't think so."

I maintain eye contact with him as I try to figure out where he's going with this. 

"I, er... Would you wanna hang out?" He asks me hopefully and I can't help but wonder if he's asked Lucas too, if I'm the backup option. Who cares? At least I _am_ an option.

"Hang out?" I repeat after him. 

Hang out. We both know what that used to mean.

"There's this Christmas party my parent are forcing me to go to," he explains and I see his grip tighten around his coffee cup. "I just thought... it might be nice. For us to hang out. As friends."

I hate that fucking word. Friends. It puts so many boundaries on us.

I nod anyway. "Sure, that'd be nice."

And he grins at me in return. "Cool."

I try to imagine myself at a Christmas party with him, talking to his parents, sitting around the table and eating Christmas pudding with him by my side.

I never would have imagined myself living that life. I never wanted that life. But now, it doesn't sound so bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry that this is so short but i have a LOT to put into the next chapter  
> also i do have an instagram @wontywilliams if anyone ever wants to send me a dm and i might start posting stuff about this book


	28. Santa Is Real

**Chapter Twenty-Eight**

I shouldn't have come here.

From where I'm standing, it looks more like a family reunion rather than a Christmas party.

Why would he invite me here?

I've been pacing up and down the street for the past fifteen minutes or so. I'm not sure if I should go in.

Scott offered to come with me in case it gets uncomfortable and I need someone to talk to. I said that I'll be fine on my own but now I really wish that Scott, or maybe even Charlie, was here with me.

I should just get in my car and text him that I can't make it before I embarrass myself.

I take one last glance at the house and I see the curtains twitch and I wonder if he saw me. I can't leave if he saw me.

I stay glued to the spot and then I watch as the door opens and a guy who looks to be just a few years older than me steps outside.

He's got dark curly hair similar to Winston's but they don't look related. He looks to be much more tanned and he's much taller than Winn.

"You coming in lad?" he shouts over to me and I look around wondering if I still have a chance at getting away.

His accent sounds funny to me, like a mix of British and Australia and I wonder who this guy is.

He's holding the door open for me so I sigh and then I quickly cross the road.

"You're Winston's boy, right?" he asks when I reach him and he doesn't even wait for a response. "He's been waiting for you all night, get in here."

He puts his hand on my back and he guides me to the hallway as he shut the door with his other hand.

I take my shoes and my jacket off and I expect this guy to leave me alone but he stays standing there, almost guarding the front door like he's scared I'm gonna leave.

I hope this isn't another one of Winn's 'friends'.

I hear the Christmas music coming from the room across the wall. 

'Rocking around the Christmas tree...'

I can barely remember what Christmas was like at my house. Mom always tried her best to make it a good day, she made the food, wrapped our presents, watched Christmas movies with us...Dad always ruined it by picking on something.

"We haven't got all day buddy," the guy reminds me but he doesn't sound like he's trying to pick a fight.

He opens the door into the living room for us and we walk inside.

I've seen it in Christmas movies but I've never seen it in person. The grand Christmas tree decorated in a red and white theme stands close to the far wall, the electric fireplace next to it is on and there are Chsrtimas stocking handing above it. I never had any of that.

I look around, taking in the Christmas lights and the decorations hanging around the entire room. I wonder if this is what Christmas is like for him. There's a man and a woman standing by the Christmas tree, talking and laughing, a group of children sitting on the couch eating chocolate and an older woman walking around picking at all the decorations making sure that it's perfect.

"Hey! You made it!"

I tear my eyes away from the blow-up Satan sitting on the armchair and I focus on him. God, he looks so ridiculous. But so fucking cute.

He's wearing a black Christmas sweater with lights attacked that spell out ' _Merry Christmas',_ dark grey trouser and a Santa hat. And is that eggnog that he's holding?

He walks towards us with a big grin on his face and I can't help but smile.

The British/Australia guy doesn't leave my side and Winston grins at him too.

"I see you've met Benji?" Winn asks me and I'm still trying to decide whether or not this guy is a threat. 

"Oh shit, didn't even introduce myself. Sorry mate," he says and then he holds his hand out to me.

I shake it cautiously and Winn watches us.

"Benji."

"Monty."

We pull our hands away and then we turn to Winn again.

"Benji's from Machester. He's a family friend," he explains as if seeing my confusion.

"Oh," I say and I don't understand why I'm acting like this. I swear I can form sentences. 

Benji pats me on the back the same way Scott's done many times before and something about him... I don't mind him.

"I'll leave you guys alone," he says and then he heads for the couch where the kids are sharing out their chocolate now.

Winn puts his cup down on a table close to us and he sighs. "Thought you weren't gonna make it."

I was considering it. I shrug. "I wouldn't stand you up."

And then I remember that I've already stood him up once before and I feel like I've made things awkward but he chuckles lightly.

"Yeah, can't imagine you ever doing that," he jokes and then he looks back towards the door close to the Christmas tree. "You wanna... go meet some people?"

Some people... family. He wants me to meet his family. This is what friends do, right? There's nothing weird about this.

I nod as he shifts from one foot to another. "Sure."

We walk past the couch and Benji looks up and gives me a sly wink like he knows something that I don't. Maybe he does.

I take one last glance at the Christmas tree as we walk through the door to the dining room. So this is where everyone is hiding.

There's not a lot of people, it's definitely a small family reunion though.

I see Winn's mother and I assume that the man next to her is Winn's father and they smile at me. Then there's three older people, two women and a man. Probably Winn's grandparents, I notice that there's only one man and I wonder if his other grandad is getting any better. There are a few teenagers just sitting around, listening to the adults talking but they all stop once Winn and I enter the room.

"Erm, everyone," Winn says awkwardly addressing the room. I wonder how he'll introduce me. "This is Monty, a friend from Liberty."

And there it is. Friend.

They greet me and smile at me. It just all seems so... perfect.

"Come try some of the pie gran made," one of the teenage girls says and I feel Winston relax beside me.

Well, that wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be.

***

I managed to escape from the adult conversation a few minutes ago and now I'm sitting on the couch with the bunch of kids and a few teenagers from the kitchen (they followed me here) trying to explain to them why Santa Clause is real.

"I saw this video on YouTube and it was a video of _actual_ Santa," one of the boys tells me. He doesn't look to be older than six.

"Well, there you go then," I tell them even though the teenagers roll their eyes at the little boy.

I'm glad that Winn isn't around, he left a while ago with Benji to get something from upstairs. I don't worry about Benji, he seems cool.

I'm sat on the couch in between the three kids while the teenagers sit on the couch opposite me. They hang onto my every word like I'm some kind of God and I don't mind the feeling. 

"We're back! We're back!" I hear Benji's voice as they reenter the living room holding one dusty box each. 

Winn looks a bit dazed and I stare at him.

"We would have been back sooner," Benji tells us as he stops by the couch. "But there was a spider and Winston started screeching his head off."

The kids laugh while Winn rolls his eyes in the background.

"I didn't," he tries to say but we all know he's lying.

He follows Benji back into the dining room and I stare after him. I don't mind hanging around here with his family but I just wish we could have a moment alone.

He reappears a few seconds after and I'm aware that one of the boys is saying something to me but I don't care, I just can't take my eyes off of him.

"What are we talking about?" Winn asks as the song switches to _Last Christmas_ and he comes over to sit beside me on the couch. 

I just wish Lucas was here to see us like this. The fucker needs to be humbled.

 _'We used to be a thing'._

Yeah, used to.

"Monty thinks Santa Claus is real," one of the girls tells Winn and he laughs and looks at me.

"Of course he is," Winn tells them and he moves his hand across the couch so it's closer to mine. Our fingers are just centimetres away from each other.

I try to remind myself that friends don't hold hands but my hand seems to have a mind of its own and it inches forward until the tips of our fingers are brushing against each other.

He doesn't pull his hand away and I sigh with relief.

We stay like that for a few more minutes while we try to argue our point, Santa is real.

But then Benji comes out of the dining room again and he's got a grin on his face. He's holding a stick in his hands and at the end of the stick, there's a piece of mistletoe tied with a ribbon.

"Coming through, coming through," he says but he's heading straight for the couch, heading straight for us...

"Benji..." Winston says but Benji's not stoping and Winston sighs and raises an eyebrow at me.

I could move just like the rest of the kids have, they've ran away and they're now stood giggling in a corner.

Benji stops a few inches away from us and he holds the mistletoe over our heads. This guy I swear... not subtle at all.

I'm not sure what to do and Winston looks nervous too.

"Come on guys, it's tradition," Benji scolds us. "Don't make me come over there and push your head together."

He's pulling me out of the friendzone.

"Fuck it," I say and I turn my head towards Winn's.

He smiles shyly and then his eyes flicker to my lips. But I'm not going to kiss him on the lips. He wanted to be friends? I'll show him how friends are meant to kiss.

I put my hand under his chin and I turn his head to the side and before he can object, I place a small kiss on his cheek. My nose lightly brushes past his cheekbone and my lips briefly make contact with his skin.

My heart is pounding as I move back to my seat and Winn doesn't look at me.

Benji doesn't look happy either and he shakes his head like he's disappointed with me. 

"I'm going to let it go just this once," he tells us and I don't know what he means but I feel like he's not going to let me be stuck in the friendzone for too long.

***

Winn tries to act normal for the rest of the night but every time we make eye contact, he quickly looks away. Fuck, I didn't want to make him uncomfortable.

We're supposed to be eating in the dining room soon, Winn offered to help set the table which I think was really just an excuse to get away from me.

"So..."

Not this guy again.

Benji comes to join me by the Christmas tree and I sigh. The kids are in the bathroom washing their hands before dinner so it's just me and him in the living room.

I cross my arms over my chest and he reaches forward to touch one of the angel decorations hanging on the tree.

"Why aren't you with him right now?" Benji asks me and I hate how nosey he is. If only he hadn't pulled that stunt with the mistletoe...

I shrug and Benji scoffs.

"God, I really thought relationships between guys would be so much less complicated," he says and I glare at him. What gives him the right to stand there and judge me?

"Fuck you," I say quietly in case someone from the dining room can hear us. "We're not together."

"Yeah," Benji says and he raises his eyebrows. "I can see that. But watching you two stare at each other when the other one isn't looking... it's exhausting mate. I mean, aren't you tired of it?"

I blink and I try to keep my eyes on the Christmas tree. He was looking at me?

"We're friends," I say but I'm not fooling either of us.

"Please," Benji says. "The guy is head over heels for you and you're not any better. I've never seen him look more nervous and upset than when you didn't show up here for the first few minutes. You're welcome for dragging your ass inside by the way."

When he invited me over, he acted like it was no big deal, like he couldn't care less whether I came or not. But now Benji's telling me that he really wanted me to be here. 

"I'll save you a seat at the table," Benji then says and he pats me on the shoulder as he walks past to go to the dining room.

I stand there for a few more minutes until Winn's mother calls me to sit down and eat with them. Benji wasn't lying, there's an empty seat next to Winn and I'm sure that it's saved for me because Winn doesn't even look at me when I sit down.

I look at the food on the table, it looks like a feast compared to the Christmas food my mother used to make for us.

 _'A Christmas party',_ he invited me to a family reunion and he's not even trying to hide it.

I'm not sure what to put on my plate and I just sit there and watch the people around the table talk and load various different foods onto their plates.

"Wait, try this," Winn tells me and it's probably the first time he's directly addressed me since the mistletoe disaster.

He reaches over the table and he uses his fork to pick up a tiny meatball from one of the plates. He then brings his fork towards me and he raises his eyebrow at me.

I open my mouth uncertainly and he puts the meatball in my mouth. His other hand is resting under my chin in case I drop a bit of it but I won't do that, I'm not going to embarrass myself in front of his family.

I chew on it and he watches me.

"What do you think?" he asks me and I nod.

"It's.. good," I could be more descriptive but I'm distracted by his thumb coming up to graze on my bottom lip and then he licks his thumb. I'm pretty sure there was nothing on my lips but I keep my mouth shut.

"I helped make them," he tells me proudly and then he turns back to the dining table to put some onto his own plate.

"It's better than the French toast," I say and he chuckles. I smile at the memory and then I reach across the table to put some more onto my plate.

He doesn't say anything when our hands brush together as we reach for the plate. But it doesn't feel awkward anymore.

***

"It's rugby but with _armour_ ," Benji argues with me. "I don't see the hype."

"I don't see the hype with kicking a ball around for ninety minutes straight," I argue back and Winn laughs beside me. He knows how much I hate soccer.

"Oh no, you didn't," Benji jokes and the adults that are listening to our conversation laugh when Benji pretends to throw his fork at me.

"I'll defend football to the death," I tell him. 

We won our game yesterday and I ended up with a big bruise on my ribcage from where someone elbowed me.

"' _Football',_ " Benji mimics me. "Where's the foot and where's the ball in the game?"

I guess he does have a point but I don't get to argue back because someone rings the doorbell and we look around the table to see if anyone's expecting a guest. There's no free seats around the table and everyone looks confused.

"I'll get it," Winn's mother says and she stands up from her seat.

Benji resumes our conversation about football and soccer and he wants Winn's opinion on it but he refuses to join in.

Benji shakes his head and some of his hair falls over his eyes. "Americans."

We laugh at Benji's frustration with us and I feel Winn's knee touch mine underneath the table.

I glance at him from the side but he looks so innocent. I know that he's really not that innocent.

I want to continue my conversation with Benji but Winn's mother returns to the dining room and she's not alone.

I see the mop of greasy unbrushed blonde hair standing behind her and I clench my jaw. Was he invited too?

Lucas stands in the doorway, his coat and shoes still on and he's holding a winter hat in his hands.

I'm about to ask him what he's doing here but someone beats me to it.

"Who the fuck invited this guy?" Benji stands up from his seat and his fork clatters against his plate. He looks around the table in an accusatory manner and I can't help but notice that his eyes rest on Winn.

"Benji!"

"Benjamin!"

"Watch your mouth young man!"

But Benji doesn't care and he looks away from Winn to stare down Lucas.

"I'm just dropping by," he says quietly and he takes a step back like he's worried that Benji might launch himself at him in a second. I wouldn't be surprised.

"I'll drop _you_ in a second," Benji tells him and his lips are set in a thin line as he crosses his arms over his chest. I've known the guy for only two hours or so but I've never expected him to get this angry.

"Sit down Benji," Winn's mother says and Benji knows better than to argue with her so he sits back down in his chair.

I feel like I should say something, I just don't know what. Winston keeps on glancing to the side at me but I keep my eyes on Lucas. Did he really invite _both_ of us here?

"Could I talk to Winston for a minute?" Lucas asks uncertainly and I see his Adam's apple bob up and down as he swallows nervously.

Say no. Please, say no. Tell him to get out.

But he stands up slowly without even looking at me and Benji looks at me like I should be doing something. But I have no right to, Winston doesn't belong to me.

"I'll be back in a minute," Winston mumbles and I'm not sure if he's talking to me or to everyone in general.

He leaves though. With him.

***

Benji doesn't even hesitate to sit in Winston's seat while he's gone.

"Look, man, all I'm saying is that if you wanna throw a punch... I'm not going to be the one to hold you back," he tells me and I snort.

"Thanks," I tell him but I know that punching Lucas wouldn't be smart.

Benji's not keen on Lucas either. 

Benji's still trying to convince me that Lucas could do with a punch when Winn comes back into the room.

I look at the clock, they've only been gone for about seven minutes.

Winn heads back towards the table and he doesn't look happy as he hangs his head. 

Lucas takes one last look at him and then he turns his body away from the dining room.

"I'll walk you out," I tell him and I stand up.

I ignore Benji's grin and the pat he gives me on the arm and I follow Lucas across the living room and then into the hallway.

Only once we're in the hallway, does he finally stop to look at me. 

"What do you want?" he asks me and he sighs. "I know you're not just walking me out out of the goodness of your heart."

Is it really that obvious? What gave it away? My constant glares at him or the eye rolls whenever he opens his mouth?

"Look, you want Winston? Have him, I don't want him. He's not worth it," he tells me and I wonder if Winn told him that we were a thing or if he figured it out by himself.

But how can he say that about Winn? Not worth it? Fuck you.

I glare at him and he scoffs.

"One week he's begging me to fuck him and then the next he ditches me to get a coffee with you," Lucas tells me and I stare at him. He... he fucked him? I mean, I had some guy blow me, but I didn't _fuck_ him.

Lucas sees my expression and he laughs a cold laugh. "Don't worry, we didn't get far. I stopped after the second time he called me by your name."

I don't know what to feel. I'm so confused. I need to talk to Winn.

"Let me give you some advice," Lucas says and I roll my eyes. As if I'd ever take this guy's advice. "Get out before it's too late. He acts like... but he's such a fucking whore. He'll sleep with anyone, he'll get with _anyone._ And then he'll get bored and he finds the next guy to fuck around with."

But he's not like that. He doesn't know him. He doesn't know what he's talking about.

He said he loves me. He's not... he won't get bored. 

Wait. Did he just call Winn a whore?

And before I know it, my hands are clenched and one of them just somehow manages to hit Lucas in the face.

Like I said, they have a mind of their own.


	29. Better Together

**Chapter Twenty-Nine**

Benji seems to be the only one who notices my red knuckles when I come back in. Thankfully, he doesn't say anything, just grins to himself.

I finish my food in silence, not even daring to look up at Winn or Benji. Winn doesn't try to get me to talk to him either but we need to talk.

I thank Winn's family for having me over and Winn's eyes follow me as I stand up.

"Wait, where are you going?" he asks me and he looks upset that I'd leave him.

"I should get back to Scott's," I say and he raises an eyebrow.

_Please_ , tell me to stay. _Please_ , tell me that you need to talk to me. _Please,_ don't just let me leave. Don't get bored of me.

"Can't you stay for a few more minutes?" he asks and I want to smile because he's not letting me go. 

Lucas was wrong. He'll never get bored of me.

"Okay," I say quietly and he starts to stand up from his own chair. "I guess I can stay for a bit longer."

I'll stay all night if he asks me to.

He puts his hand on my elbow and he starts leading us out of the dining room. No one asks us where we're going but I see Benji grinning to himself behind his messy dark hair.

He takes his hand off of me once we're by the stairs and I have no idea why we're going upstairs but I don't mind.

I'm still thinking about what Lucas told me. Was Winn trying to get over me? Or was he trying to replace me? I guess we'll find out soon.

He sighs once we enter one of the rooms. It looks like the master bedroom and he closes the door behind us.

"I didn't invite Lucas," Winn tells me straight away like he's been holding it in all day.

"Okay," I say calmly. I believe him. He's not stupid, he wouldn't invite both of us.

"I just invited you. That's it," he continues just in case I don't quite believe him. "I only wanted you here."

I nod slowly and then I sigh. He wanted me here. But he also wants us to stay friends.

"Wha-What are we doing?"

His eyebrows furrow and he frowns. "What do you mean?"

"I mean..." I sigh and I run a hand through my hair. "One minute you want us to be friends and then the next you're just saying shit like this. I don't know what I'm meant to _think._ "

"Okay, you wanna talk about confusing?" he says and he raises his eyebrows at me. "What was that? You kissing me on the cheek? Then ignoring me until dinner. And don't think I haven't noticed that your knuckles suddenly changed colour after you 'walked' Lucas out."

" _I_ was ignoring _you_?" I ask and I scoff. I'm hoping he won't ask about the other two things he mentioned.

"What about the kiss then?" he asks me and he suddenly looks nervous. "What the hell was that?"

"Did you want me to kiss you properly?" I ask him and his eyes flicker to my lips automatically. Fuck, we're supposed to talk this out. We're not supposed to want to kiss.

"T-that's not what I meant," he stammers and he looks away from me.

"Can we just _fuck_ the whole 'friends' thing?" I ask him. Benji said it himself, it's exhausting and it's fucking tiring to act like I don't want him every second of every single day.

He looks like he might agree with me for a second but then he sighs. "I don't... I'm scared, okay?"

I raise an eyebrow in question. "Scared?"

Scared? Of _me?_

"I... Yes! Scared," he repeats and then he sighs deeply. "I'm scared because... I'll let myself get lost in... this and I'll start believing that we can actually be something but... I'm scared you'll-we'll mess it up again."

"We're not _going_ to!" I argue with him. We both know that if anyone will fuck it up, it'll be me.

I know that I hurt him. I know that I upset him. But I don't want to lose his trust.

"You don't _know_ that," he groans and then he shakes his head at the ground. "Because what happens the next time we come across someone like Ryan? Are you going to beat me up for show again?"

He said he's forgiven me... obviously not.

"I'm not going to hurt you," I tell him and I take a step towards him. 

I never meant to hurt him. Not really. In the hotel room... I just wanted to push him away. And both of us got hurt in the process.

"You don't know that," he repeats quietly and he stares down at the ground.

We stand there in silence for a few more moments. What does this mean for us?

He wants to be friends, he wants me to meet his family and then he tells me that he's scared to be with me.

"What did Lucas want?" I ask him and he looks up and then looks away again.

Might as well add him to the list of things we need to talk about.

He shrugs and I scoff.

"He just... he wanted to talk," he says vaguely and I raise my eyebrows. "About... stuff. He just... he wanted to be more than friends."

I swallow as he looks up at me and we maintain eye contact. "And you? Did _you_ want to be more than friends?"

I already know the answer, he turned Lucas down that's why he was so mad. But I want to hear him say it.

"No," Winn says and he shakes his head. Then he smiles. "Still kinda getting over this one guy. Really fucked me up."

Getting over? I don't want him to get over me. He can't.

But he doesn't give me time to ask him any more questions about Lucas because he speaks again.

"Why'd you punch him?" he asks me and he nods towards my knuckles.

I look away and I absentmindedly touch the sore part of my hand. I punched him, broke his nose maybe and he pushed me back and ran out of the house still clutching his nose. I'd do it again.

Winn is still waiting for an answer and I roll my eyes. "He just... said something I didn't like."

Winn doesn't want Lucas. I don't need to know what Lucas was doing at his house, why they were hanging out, if he tried to sleep with him...

None of that matters.

We've both done things we're not proud of.

He takes a few more steps towards me and he lightly touches my hand before picking it up on his own. 

"You should watch your temper," he tells me as his thumb grazes over my red knuckles. Then he sighs and looks up at me. "What do we do now?"

It's obvious that the 'friends' thing isn't going to work out, being away from each other isn't that much of a good idea either but being together... I don't think either of us is ready for that yet.

"We could..." I say and I concentrate on his finger touching my skin, making my heart hammer against my ribcage.

"We could...go back to my house. Talk."

Talk.

But I don't trust myself around him. Me and him in his room? Talking?

"I don't think that's a good idea," I tell him and I pull my hand out of his grasp.

He chuckles softly. "Since when are any of our ideas good?"

But I can't do this. No, I can't stand here and just talk to him. 

We may not be ready to be together but that doesn't mean I want him any less.

I take a deep breath but it doesn't do much to slow my heart rate down.

"I should go," I say quietly and my throat is so dry I can barely hear myself. "I'll see you around?"

He nods and I can't help but notice that he looks a bit disappointed. He really _does_ want to talk it out.

Lucas was wrong. He won't get bored of me. He won't just jump to another guy.

He'll always pick me.

***

I couldn't sleep all night.

He was all I could think about, What would have happened if I went home with him? Would we have _just_ talked?

He sounded genuine, he really did want to talk and sort it out between us.

I hear footsteps coming up the stairs. Scott's footsteps.

He asked me how it went, what happened and who I punched when I came back last night.

I told him what happened briefly while we lay in bed and he listened patiently. He agreed that it may not have been the smartest thing to do to leave with Winn, I did the right thing.

"Finally, you're awake," he says as he walks into the room. I have been all night.

I groan and I turn away from him. "I'm sleeping."

"No you're not," he says and I feel the duvet being pulled away from me and uncovering my body. "Get _up,_ Monty."

I groan again and I try to bury my face into the pillow. Scott's side.

"Monty. Up," he says sternly and I sigh and I finally turn on my side to face him. "We made plans with Charlie, remember?"

Oh, fuck. That's today.

Christmas shopping.

Why did I agree to go again?

Scott doesn't want to wait anymore. He grabs my arm and he tries to pull me up.

"Alright, alright!" I say and I sit up as I shrug him off of me. "I'm getting up. Just give me a second."

Christmas shopping. What a dumb idea.

Scott lets me get in the shower alone, although he has his doubts and thinks I'm going to lock myself in there and bail on Charlie.

I let the lukewarm water run down my body as I think about last night. 

Why do I miss him every time he's not around?

We're not friends. 

We'll never be friends.

***

No one tests my patience like Charlie does.

"Just buy his some socks, I'm sure he'll be happy," I groan.

We've been walking around the shopping centre for the past hour or so. The whole purpose of this was to get Charlie to buy something for Alex but we're still walking around and he's the only who hasn't bought anything.

Scott is going all out, buying stuff for his parents and Estella. He separated from us for a little while and I'm sure he was buying gifts for us even though we told him not to.

I was hoping to get something for Winn but nothing is good enough for him and I don't want to get him something cheap and trashy. 

"You're not helping," Charlie tells me as we walk around the shopping centre for the hundredth time that day. "I really like him, Monty."

I can't imagine anyone ever liking Alex, but Charlie's helped me out so I may as well help him out.

"I'm sure he'll like whatever you choose to give him," I say and Scott stares at me. "What?"

"Nothing... Just, I expected you to make a joke or something." Scott says and I roll my eyes.

"He's maturing," Charlie teases me and Scott laughs.

"Yeah, yeah very funny. Laugh at me," I tell them.

But I secretly hope they're right. Maybe I am maturing and that means we're one step closer to being together.

Charlie finally lets us go and says he'll go look for something on his own. Scott suggests that we get something to eat and Charlie tells us that he'll meet us in half an hour. I doubt he'll find anything in half an hour.

"Dude, you can't mix mayo with ketchup," Scott says as he watches my stir them together with my straw.

"Why not?" I ask him. I mean, they're both in my sandwich and they're going to mix one way or another.

"Because. It's wrong," he says and I roll my eyes as I lick the straw clean. "No, you know what? Your first mistake was getting mayo."

"Mayo's nice," I say as I bite into my sandwich. "Especially mixed with ketchup."

Scott looks disgusted but he doesn't say anything as he eats his own food. 

I was hoping that I wouldn't see him until Monday, until I sorted out the mess in my head, until I was able to act calm around him.

But he's here. Winn is here.

He doesn't see me at first when he walks in and I stop chewing my food. Maybe if I get up right now and run to the toilets...

But I don't get the chance because the person walking in behind Winn notices me.

"Hey! Fancy seeing you here!" Benji doesn't even hesitate to walk over to our table with a big grin on his face.

Winn stands in the distance, unsure of what to do and then he slowly follows Benji.

Benji sits down next to Scott who looks more confused than any of us.

"Benji," he introduces himself to Scott and he holds his hand out.

I told Scott about Benji, he knows who he is.

"Scott."

They shake hands and pull apart just as Winn comes over.

"Hey," he says and I move up so he can sit down next to me. 

He leaves some space between us but sitting next to him... definitely not helping me sort my thoughts out.

"Winston's mom kicked us out of the house," Benji says and I feel Winston's eyes on me. I know that Benji's just joking and he obviously doesn't know that I actually _did_ get kicked out of my house. 

"Benji's staying with us for a while," Winn says quickly wanting to change the subject. "Mom's doing some Christmas renovations and we were just getting in the way."

"I offered to help. I got a lamp thrown at my head," Benji tells us and rolls his eyes. "So... we're here now. What about you guys?"

"Christmas shopping," Scott tells him and he nods towards the bags sitting under the table.

Benji grins. "Cool."

I notice Winston fiddling with his hands under the table and he seems to be really nervous. I nudge him with my knee and he looks up at me.

"You okay?" I ask him.

Benji starts discussing something with Scott and Scott doesn't seem to mind, the guy can make any conversation interesting.

"We can leave if you want," Winn says quietly and then his eyes travel to Benji. "I know he can be a little pushy."

I raise an eyebrow. Benji, pushy? Never.

"It's fine," I say. It's not perfect, running into him here. But at least I get to see him.

"You two, stop flirting and back me up on this one," Benji says and we turn our heads to face him. He scrunches his nose at the sight of Scott's glass. "You cannot like orange juice with bits. That's just rank mate."

Okay so maybe he's a little pushy.

***

Scott and Benji seem to be getting along even after their orange juice vs apple juice argument.

I come back from the toilet and I notice that Charlie's telling them something and they're hanging onto his every word

He took much longer than half an hour to meet up with us but we didn't mind. Time just passes by as we talk and order more food and talk some more.

"So Scott and I, we try to pick him up-"

"What are we talking about?" I say as I take my place next to Winn. 

Charlie grins but Scott looks a bit unsure.

"The night you puked on Luke's couch," Charlie says and I roll my eyes but chuckle nevertheless. Better to make it into a joke than think about what it really was. "So anyway, we try to pick him up from the floor, and he just lays back down again-"

"Come on, it was comfortable," I say joining in and Winn laughs at me.

He doesn't need to know how fucked up I really was that night. All because of him.

Charlie continues to tell them how the whole football team gathered around me wondering what the hell was going on with me. No one asks why I got so shitfaced in the first place, we leave those details out.

"So then I go out of the room to convince Luke not to whoop his ass," Charlie says pointing to me and Benji chuckles softly. "Luke is like this massive guy and he-"

But Charlie doesn't get to finish his story. He stops mid-sentence and his eyes rest on something behind me.

"Wha-" 

But I don't even get to ask.

"Are you getting blackmailed again, Monty?"

And I hear the mocking tone and I remember that this is the guy who almost fucked up everything.

Ryan stops by our table and he looks around like he's trying to work out which one of us is going to answer him. 

I think I speak for everyone when I say my money's on Benji.

"You want something lad?" Benji asks him and he raises his eyebrows at Ryan. Ryan doesn't like it.

I feel Winn tense up by my side. Seeing him here... it's not bringing up any good memories for either of us.

I'm not sure if Benji knows who this guy is but he saw our faces, he senses the tension between us.

"Just wanted to ask Monty which homeless shelter he's currently staying at," he says and he stares me down. He knew exactly what he was doing when he went to speak to my dad.

"Why? You looking for a bunk buddy?" Benji asks him and Ryan immediately turns to glare at him.

Scott looks at me and then at Winn, Charlie's staring at Benji and Winn keeps his head down. 

"I don't know who the fuck you are b-"

"Okay buddy, first of all, back the _fuck_ up, I can smell your breath from here and let me tell you, it ain't nice," Benji says and he manages to maintain eye contact with Ryan. He's doing his best to keep his voice down but one of the tables around us starts noticing that something is going on.

"Ryan, just fucking leave," I say simply before Benji can get us into any trouble.

Ryan stares at Winn for a moment and then he looks back at me. "Don't speak to me, faggot."

Benji stands up from his seat but he can't get out because Charlie's blocking his way.

"It's fine, it's fine," I say quickly. I'm not going to punch him, not in public, not in front of Winn. I can control myself.

After what my dad put me through, he's going to have to try a lot harder to get a reaction out of me.

Ryan looks like he was expecting a punch and he's not the only one. Winn looks up at me and so do Charlie and Scott.

I'm maturing. I'm not going to let myself be provoked.

"Is that it?" I ask Ryan and he slowly backs away from our table seeing that he can't really say anything to make me mad. 

Benji looks like a proud dad as Ryan pulls a face at us and then walks away, head held high.

I stare after him and I try to calm myself down. But my heart isn't pounding because of what Ryan said. No, my heart is pounding because I can feel a hand on top of mine and it's the best feeling in the world.


	30. The Countdown

**Chapter Thirty**

I know that Scott invited Estella over so I want to get out of the house before she comes. 

I miss her. I miss having breakfast with her every morning. I miss screaming at her to hurry up in the bathroom. I miss her coming into my room whenever our parents had an argument. 

Dad's been drinking more and more. He doesn't even care where Estella goes and what she does. He's slowly starting to give up.

Mom has moved out again. Or at least she's in the process of doing so. She's already spoken to Scott's mom, as soon as she moves out, Estella and I are moving in with her. Away from dad.

She wanted to meet up with me today, she told me over the phone right after she told me that she's doing her best to get us away from our dad.

But we'll have to meet another time. I need to see someone else first.

Benji is wearing a pair of grey joggers and nothing else when he opens the door. 

I'm used to seeing him at Winn's house now. We've been hanging around, me and Winn. Sometimes Benji joins us, sometimes he doesn't.

It's been about two weeks since we saw Ryan at the shopping centre. Last I heard, they arrested him for illegal possession of drugs and there might be a case against him. Doubt it. Rich kids get away with everything.

I've been seeing Winn almost every day and if I didn't see him, I've called or texted him instead.

We've been getting better and better at this 'hanging out without wanting to kiss each other' thing. That doesn't mean I don't think about kissing him.

"Ah, my favourite regular visitor," Benji says with a smile on his face as he lets me inside.

I've only known him for about three maybe four weeks but fuck, I'm gonna miss him when he leaves for England again. He's staying for Christmas and New Years and then he's leaving. It's gonna be weird without him around.

"Where's Winn?" I ask as I begin taking my shoes off in the hallway. I already have a spot on the shoe rack.

"Shower," Benji tells me as he lays down on the couch in the living room. "If you go now you might make it in time to join him."

I roll my eyes and Benji smiles to himself. We probably wouldn't be where we are right now if it wasn't for him.

I stay in the living room with Benji even though the thought of showering with Winn does sound very appealing.

Winn and I... it's getting better. It's not perfect, we've talked, we've had arguments, we've made up. But we haven't kissed. I think we're heading in the right direction.

"So..." Benji says and he sighs. "Am I gonna see a Wonty reunion before I leave for England? Or are you two still trying out the 'friends' thing?"

My eyebrows furrow. "A what now?"

Wonty? That's what he said, right?

Benji rolls his eyes at me like I'm the stupid one. He's twenty years old and he acts like a child.

"Wonty," he repeats slowly. "Winston and Monty. Although I was considering Minston because-"

"I really don't wanna know," I cut him off. I'm slowly starting to realise why this guy doesn't have a girlfriend.

A month ago, I would have been creeped out by anyone saying this. But come on, it's Benji. He gets a pass. Besides, I'm used to him saying weirder things.

"What'd I miss?" 

I turn my head at the sound of his voice. Winston stands in the doorway, leaning against the doorframe trying to put one of his socks on.

His hair is wet and he's wearing a grey T-shirt- my T-shirt. It's hanging off of him like a dress. He's also wearing a pair of shorts that almost reach his knees. Pretty sure they belong to Benji.

"Nothing," I say before Benji can open that mouth of his and make another comment about us like he's done many times before.

"So, you coming to my room then?" Winn asks me and I love how confident he's starting to become. Being in his room, it doesn't mean anything. Most of the conversations we have take place in his room. 

We manage to exit the room without Benji making any more comments but he does wink at me when Winn turns his back. I'm really going to miss this guy.

"I thought you were going to meet up with your mother today," Winn says as we walk up the stairs.

"She had to reschedule," I lie. I don't want him to know that _I_ rescheduled because I wanted to see him instead.

He hums quietly as we walk down the hallway and to his bedroom. The first thing I notice when I walk in are the new curtains framing his bedroom window. Clean ones, light blue.

I remember that one September evening when I sat in the park outside his window hoping he'd look out and see me. I wonder how different things would have been if he never looked out of that window.

We normally fall into our routine, me laying down on his bed, him sitting on the armchair and just taking turns to talk.

But it feels different this time.

Neither of us says anything and I continue staring out of the window.

"I, er, I might not be here for New Year's," Winston then speaks and then I understand why he's being so hesitant to talk to me.

His grandad is finally getting better, he went to visit him on Saturday. He asked if I wanted to come to but I didn't have the guts to.

I turn my body to face him but he looks fine, it's definitely not about his grandad.

"My parents just want to go visit some relatives that's all," he tells me and he slowly lowers himself down onto the bed. "I'm trying to convince them to let me stay here. Benji too. You know, it'll be like his last day here. I doubt he'd want to go visit my auntie Susy."

And Benji saves us once again. I hope no idea how we'll cope once he's gone.

"We're having a party at Charlie's," I tell him. We're not. But we will be.

He raises an eyebrow. He's probably wondering why he hasn't heard about the party. Don't worry, neither has Charlie yet.

"Will you come? With Benji?" I ask quickly before he can ask any questions about this party I just invented.

"Erm, sure," he says. "I should be able to convince my parents to let me go."

"Cool."

"Cool."

Cool.

***

Cool? Charlie doesn't seem to think so.

"No! No _way_!" Charlie shouts. "Look, man, I love you but no _way._ "

"But I already invited him!"

Turns out planning a New Year's party in just under two weeks is almost impossible.

Scott refuses to join in although I can tell that he would love it if we had a party to go to.

"And didn't Alex say that he's not doing anything on New Year's?" I ask him.

I need him to see that this party is a good idea. I get to come with Winn, he gets to come with Alex, Scott gets to come with Estella. We all win.

Charlie sighs. "Don't bring Alex into this."

But I can tell that he's starting to see some good that might come from this party. Charlie and Alex seem to be doing well, they have it easy. I almost wish Winn and I could have had it like that from the beginning.

Scott and I say nothing as Charlie starts pacing up and down his room, thinking this through. He'll crack in a minute. We just need to give him a few more seconds to think about it.

"I mean- I wouldn't even know where to start," Charlie says to himself.

"That's what _we're_ here for," Scott says and he grins at me. Two against one.

I know where Charlie's coming from. There's so much shit to organise. I've never had to organise a party, I just went to whichever one was on.

"I-I'll invite people," Charlie says hurriedly but he also seems excited. "I'll get the team to spread the message."

Too easy.

Charlie starts making a list of things we need to do and get.

But the three of us aren't gonna be able to do this on our own. Scott promises to get Estella's help and me? I know someone who could prove to be useful.

***

I know we said no gifts, but I want to give him something special.

"You could give him a reusable plastic bag and he'll act like it's the best thing he's ever gotten," Benji tells me and I know that he's not wrong.

But he deserves something big, something special. I'll need to think of something but right now, we need to focus on the party.

Turns out Benji knows some guys and they're letting us borrow some of their decor for free as their party has been cancelled. Benji says they owe him a favour and he'll do anything for me. 

I think he's in love with me. Or maybe Winn. Both of us. Definitely both.

Benji gets the boxes from the house, passes them to me and I load them into my car. Fortunately, I don't have to talk to him, he only speaks to me when he passes the box to me and then he goes back to the house to get another one. How much shit do these guys have?

I know that Winn talks to Benji just like I do but I also know that he keeps whatever I tell him to himself. He does the same with whatever Winn tells him.

I still try to find out.

"Has he said anything about me?" I ask when Benji comes back with another box. This one's much heavier and he helps me load it into the car.

Benji tilts his head in a 'really?' sort of way, I know he won't tell me anything but it was worth a try.

"Stop stressing," he tells me and he pats me on the shoulder. 

But how can I stop stressing? It's impossible.

***

I haven't lived here for long but I'll miss it. 

Scott's bed became our bed, Scott's room because our room and Scott's house became our house. 

And now Scott's Christmas becomes our Christmas.

"Come on," Scott groans as he pulls on my leg. "Even Estella's here. We're just waiting for you."

I'm not used to this kind of Christmas. Waking up early, having breakfast together, opening gifts.

"Get up!" Scott manages to pull me a little down the bed and I start laughing. "I will _not_ miss having to wake you up every morning."

He will though. I know he will. Dealing with me is his favourite part of the day.

I've only managed to sleep for a few hours. I stayed up all night texting Winn, he has to spend Christmas with his grandparents so we won't be seeing each other until New Year's.

I could get up but this could be the last time Scott has to wake me up early and I'm not going to give in easily.

I spoke to my mom, she's already moved out and we should be able to move in with her in January. My dad's threatening legal action but he won't do shit, he's just scared that he's going to be alone.

"Monty..."

"Scotty..."

And then the motherfucker jumps at me and tries to push me out of bed. I'm really gonna fucking miss this.

"Fuck, fuck, okay," I say in between laughter as he tries wrestling me. "I'm up, I'm up. I'll be down in a minute."

Scott finally lets me go and he leaves the room. Moments later, I hear him and Estella talking and laughing in the living room. Maybe them two being together isn't such a bad thing after all.

I manage to brush my teeth and wash my face before Scott comes to get me again. 

"Fucking give me a second," I shout as he bangs on the bathroom door. "I'm not even wearing any pants."

I hear him groan and then two minutes later he comes back with a pair of black joggers.

"Are you really going to stand there and watch me get changed?" I ask as he stands in the bathroom doorway.

"Yes," he states. "I'm not letting you stall any longer."

I don't understand what he means until I come downstairs and I see everyone sitting around the dining table, their plates are still empty and clean.

They waited for me.

They didn't want to have breakfast or open the presents until I came downstairs. I never had that.

***

Later on, Estella, Scott and I sit in our room, previously known as Scott's room.

"Just call him!"

I do want to call him, ask him how he's doing, tell him that I miss him. God, I'm getting really attached.

But we're not together and I'm not sure whether it'll be acceptable for me to call him.

Estella throws a pillow at me and I catch it and throw it right back. We're sat on the bed while Scott is spinning around on his chair.

"Monty's a pussy," Scott says quietly as he spins away from us. I see his cheekbones raise as he grins.

I roll my eyes. "I just don't wanna bother him."

"I'm sure he'd love to hear from you," Estella encourages me. She reaches over the nightstand and picks me phone up. "Here."

I glance at the phone she's holding out to me and then back up at her. 

"God, where's Benji when you need him," Scott says and he shakes his head. Benji would have already dialled Winn's number for me by now.

Estella moves her hand closer to me. 

"Fine," I say and I take my phone out of her hand. "I'll call him."

I leave the room and I sit down on the stairs with the phone still in my hand. I don't want them listening in to our conversation.

What if he doesn't pick up? What if he does? What do I say?

He picks up. 

"Hey! You called," he says and he sounds happy, pleased that I called him.

"Erm, yeah," I say and I rub my forehead with one hand. "I just... I just wanted to..."

Wanted to what? Tell him that I miss him? Hear his voice? Talk to him? All of the above?

"Yeah me too," he says quietly when I don't finish my sentence. " _I_ was gonna call you but I didn't..."

"Yeah me too," I say echoing his response from earlier. God, aren't we a pair?

I'm expecting him to make small talk, ask me how I am or what I did this morning. But he jumps right into it.

"I miss you," he says and I feel my heart hammering inside of my chest.

"Miss you too," I say and then I have to swallow because my throat is dry. "I can't wait to see you."

I hear him chuckle lightly at the other side of the phone and I relax a little. This would be so much easier if I knew that we were on the same page.

I think we are on the same page.

***

"They're already breaking shit," Charlie moans to me as we stand by the door. He looks over at the football team that is, indeed, breaking shit. 

"Hey! Get the fuck off that coffee table!" I shout over to them because they're not listening to Charlie.

Charlie saved my ass by throwing this party, I'm not going to let anyone ruin it.

The two guys roll their eyes at each other and then walk away still muttering something under their breath.

I see Scott and Estella taking pictures on the other side of the room and I smile without even meaning to. She looks so happy with him. She deserves to be happy.

You might be wondering why Charlie and I are standing by the door, I'm waiting for my date to show up and he's waiting for his. 

I know that he should be here soon, Benji texted me to tell me that they left the house about fifteen minutes ago.

"Got anything planned for tonight?" Charlie asks me and he's got this stupid grin on his face. I know what he's trying to say.

"Shut up," I tell him and that's when I see him coming in through the door.

Benji's by his side, like always, and he looks up and gives me a small wave.

"I guess I'll wait for Alex by myself," Charlie says and he moves away from us to give Winn and Benji some space.

"Hey," Winn says and he gives me a wide grin. He sticks his hands in his jean pockets and I smile back.

"Hey."

Winn stays standing where he is, keeping a safe distance between us but Benji rushes over and goes over to hug me straight away.

"Aw man, I am so happy to see you. You have no idea," he says as he crushes me against his chest.

"Yeah, you too," I try to say but Benji's hugging me so hard that I can barely breathe.

He finally lets go of me and pulls away. He looks back at Winn and shakes his head. "This guy wouldn't shut up about wanting to see you since we came back from his grandparents. I was starting to miss you myself."

Winn looks embarrassed, he looks down at the ground but doesn't deny it.

"Alright, I'll leave you two alone," Benji then says and he pats me on the shoulder. "If you need me I'll be getting drunk somewhere."

He leaves us alone, me and him. And I'm not sure where to start.

"You look good," I say and immediately a smile appears on his face and his cheeks turn slightly pink.

"Good to know," he says and he takes a step towards me. "I was trying to impress someone."

I raise an eyebrow and I try to keep a straight face. "And is it working?"

He shrugs. "You tell me."

But I can't just let him do this to me. I need to control myself.

"Can we talk somewhere?"

We're standing close to the door and there are too many people around for my liking. If I don't get it out now, I don't think I'll be able to say it later.

He nods slowly and I start to walk away from him, leading him further and further into the room. I pass Scott and Estella and then I turn left and I turn to walk into the dining room.

We decided against decorating the dining room because it's quite a small room and we didn't want people crowding around in it.

It's empty and we're the only people there. I stop by the table and I lean my lower back against it.

There's no door to the dining room, anyone walking past could see us in here but I don't care about that.

"What is it?" Winn asks as he leans his back against the wall opposite me.

There's a lot. Hopefully, he won't get bored halfway through.

I sigh and I lick my lips nervously.

"I've been thinking a lot recently. About us. When my dad found out, all I wanted to do was tell you about it. I got into my car and I was this close to driving to your house. I just wanted to be with you and tell you all about it," I say nervously and then I take a deep breath. "Whenever... anything happened. All I wanted to do was tell you about it. I don't have to pretend around you. You just make everything so... easy."

He stares at me and he nods slowly. He doesn't say anything knowing that I've still got a lot to say.

My hands are starting to sweat so I quickly put them in my pockets. "And I know that I... I fuck up, I mess things up, I complicate shit. But... I'm trying my best to improve because I want to improve," I say. I lower my head because the way he's looking at me... it's making me feel dizzy.

"I want to improve for you," I tell him. "I want to be what you want me to be. I want you to be able to tell me stuff and _I_ want to be able to share _my_ stuff with you."

"I don't want you to change for me," Winn tells me and he smiles at me. "I just want you. I want _this_ you."

This me. The one that fucks up. The one that _is_ fucked up. _He_ doesn't think I am.

And my heart starts beating like mad because he admitted it. He wants me. 

I'm not sure where to go from here, he threw me off guard and I look around the room in an attempt to calm my heart rate.

"I..."

"Are you going to ask me to be your boyfriend already?" Winston interrupts me and he raises his eyebrows at me. "Don't you think I've waited long enough?"

And I guess he has. Too long, actually. He's put up with all my shit, all my messes and all my fucks up and he's still sticking around.

I slowly walk towards him until there are only a few inches of space between us and he watches me carefully.

"Would you like to..." I say and I stop to try to calm myself down. This is really happening. "Would you like to be my boyfriend?"

And he starts grinning like I've never seen him grin before. 

I never imagined it would go like this. I always thought he'd be the one to ask, he'd be the one waiting for an answer and I'd be the one who gets to say yes. Let's be honest, he can't say no.

"Hmm," he says and he pretends to think.

Idiot.

I know he's gonna say yes. _He_ knows he's gonna say yes.

He puts his hands on my shoulders and then beings me closer to him. "Yes. I'll be your boyfriend."

My boyfriend. Mine. 

It feels like a heavy weight has been lifted from my chest. But I don't get to say anything as he pulls me in to kiss him.

My lips graze past his and then I finally let myself kiss him. My hands travel up to his hips and I hold him against the wall as he titles his head and deepens our kiss.

And then-

Flash.

I pull away from Winn wondering what the hell that was, he looks just as confused as me.

I turn my head to the side to see the girl standing in the room with us. Estella grins with the camera in one hand and she shakes the polaroid with the other hand. She stands by the door and Winn rests his forehead against my cheek.

"What are you doing 'Stella?" I ask her and she giggles.

"Scott and I... we're taking pictures. To put them in a book," she tells me as she looks at the polaroid in her hand. "Just to remember tonight. I think this is worth remembering."

I could grab the photo out of her hand, rip it up and throw it away. But I don't really want to.

She walks back out of the room with the polaroid still in her hand and Winston raises his eyebrows at me.

"I think it's cute," he tells me and he rubs his nose against mine. "It'll be something to remember us by."

Yeah, someone will remember us alright. It would be hard to forget.

***

Don't know how we ended up here but we did.

Benji and Scott kept on annoying us so we wanted to go upstairs to get some peace and quiet.

But now we're in Charlie's guest bedroom and he's naked and I'm on top of him.

He keeps his hands on my arms as I kiss his neck and I know that my hair is ticking his face.

"Fuck," he breaths out as I start leaving tiny bites down his neck.

We haven't done this since the time in the hotel room. I want him but I don't want to rush this.

His nails start to dig into the flesh of my arms and I grunt. I try to shake him off but he holds on. He wraps one of his legs around my hips and he tries to pull me down but I resist.

"Fuck, I want to kiss you," he tells me once I refuse to get off his neck. "Let me fucking kiss you."

I kiss his neck one last time for good measure but to be honest, I was getting bored of this too.

I finally pull away from his neck and I hover above him. He looks at me with wide eyes and he tries to sit up to kiss me. I let him.

His lips meet mine and he tangles his hands in my hair. I feel his tongue moving across my bottom lip and I groan softly.

"Missed you," I mumble against his lips and he chuckles lightly. How we were planning to be just friends? I have no idea.

I push him back down on the bed and I pin his hands by the sides of his head with mine. He doesn't complain until I pull away from him.

I can already feel him leaving a wet trail on my upper thigh and I lower my body and start moving against him.

Our cocks brush against each other several times and he groans every time.

"Don't stop," he tells me and I smash my lips against him to shut him up.

I can feel him moaning and groaning into my mouth and it's just making me even harder.

He starts to move his hips against mine and even I can't take it anymore.

Fortunately, this time he was smart enough to bring lube. He knew he was gonna get me alone.

I finally let go of his hands and I reach for the bottle that's beside us on the bed. 

Now that his hands are free and I'm busy pouring the lube into my own hand, he reaches down and I feel his hand on my cock as he maintains eye contact with me.

He slowly starts to jerk me off, squeezing at the head, letting his thumb brush over the slit and I let him.

But then I reach down and I peel his hand off of me. I spread the lube up and down my cock and then his hand returns to jerk me off.

I try to control myself but I let out an occasional groan here and there and he watches me

I feel my cock twitch in his hand and then just when I'm about to come, he stops and tries to push me closer towards him with the leg that's around my waist.

He's being so needy but I want him to be. I want him to need me.

I don't even want to prep him, I just want to be inside of him. I just want to feel him around me. But my fingers reach between his cheeks and I press them against his hole.

He digs his nails into my back and he watches me, waiting. And then I insert both of them in and he winces. He bites down on his lip to try to hold back a groan and all I can do is watch him as I start to finger him. 

I twist my finger as I move in and out. I hate that he's watching me and I lean down to kiss him again.

His nose brushes against mine and then I kiss him on the lips. His lips feel soft and wet on mine but I kiss him roughly trying to get as much of him as I can.

His body suddenly jerks underneath me and he gasps. "Fuck. Monty. Fuck."

I slow down a little and ha hates it and starts grinding on my fingers.

"What do you want?" I ask him and I pull away a little so I can look him in the eye.

" _You_ , okay? I fucking _want_ you," he says and he's having trouble trying to speak. He's so far gone. I hesitate and he groans. "Fuck, I want you to fuck me, Monty. _Please."_

Okay. 

Okay, I will.

I pull my fingers out of him and then I try to position myself. He bends his knee and I rest my hand on top of it as I try to figure out the best way to fuck him. But he pushes his heel into my lower back and I lose concentration.

"Stop fucking moving," I tell him and I hold him down again. I would pin his hands above his head but I want to feel his hands on my back when I push into him.

He does as he's told and I press the head of my cock against his entrance. I know how crazy that drives him and I just leave it there and rub it against it for a moment.

I hear him groan in protest and I smile. But I'm not going to torture him any longer and I slowly insert the head into him.

He moans softly and I watch him as he throws his head back. I wait a moment and then I slam into him as fast as I can and he yelps. His nails dig into my back so deep that I feel like he's digging straight into my bones.

He starts swearing at me through clenched teeth as I slowly move back out and then I slam into him again.

He takes one hand off of my back and he starts jerking himself off to the rhythm of me fucking him.

"You like that?" I ask him and he can't say anything so he just nods.

I can feel the sweat dripping down my back and I wish I could kiss him right now but then I'd have to reposition myself and this just feels too good.

I push into his harder and faster as I watch the hand around his cock mirror my movements.

I always let him come first before I let myself go but I think I'm closer than he is.

I grip onto the bedsheets and I push in faster and faster.

"Fuck, Winn..." And that's when I let myself go. I shoot my come into him as I keep on pushing in and out slowly to ride it out. 

He doesn't say anything but then he grunts and I see the white come from his cock spill all over his hand. 

We're both breathing heavily and my head feels numb from the pleasure.

I gently pull out of him and he winces. 

He's all mine now.

***

After we've cleaned up, he doesn't want to go back to the party and he comes into bed with me.

He lifts my arm off my chest, lies down on top of me and then puts my arm back down over himself.

He seems to weight nothing and I wrap my arm tighter around his bare middle.

We just lay there for a few seconds, smiling at nothing until he sighs and nuzzles his nose into my neck. 

"Love you," he mumbles and my heart skips a beat. _"I_ love you."

It's the first time he's said it since the Winter formal when we danced in the empty classroom.

I chuckle lightly to myself. He's waiting for a response but I just want his words to sit in the air for a while. I'm enjoying this.

But he gets impatient and he lightly nibbles on my neck.

"Okay, okay. I love you too," I say and I still can't believe that the words are coming out of my mouth.

Me, telling a boy that I love him. Never thought I'd live to see this.

But it's no big deal. It feels so natural.

We sit in comfortable silence but there are still a few things I want to say. I can feel him breathing into my neck and I sigh.

"I'm sorry. For what I said in the hotel room," I apologise once again.

Winn moves away a little so that his head is resting next to mine and I turn my head so I can look at him.

"It's okay," he says softly with a smile on his face. " _We're_ okay."

We. Us. Together. _We're_ okay.

 _He_ makes me feel okay. More than okay.

"I'm sorry too," he says and I frown. Why is he always apologising?

"What for?" I sigh. I'm looking forward to hearing what he's come up with this time. It's like every time I apologise, he feels the need to apologise too. 

"For Lucas," he says and he sighs. "I... After you said... Being with Lucas just made me feel normal again. Safe. He was just familiar and... and I just needed to have something familiar around. Made me feel less... alone."

I try to concentrate on what's he telling me but I'm starting to feel sick.

"I make you feel unsafe?"

Safe. Lucas made him feel safe. I didn't. I don't.

I start to move away from him but he stops me.

"No! No, that's not what I meant," he says quickly and he props himself up on his elbow to look at me. "I... That's not the word I wanted to use. You were just really confusing and with Lucas... it was just easy. I knew how he felt about me. I had no idea what you felt."

I sigh and I look up at the ceiling. I never thought... I was an idiot.

"Hey, look at me," he says. He hovers above me and his hands are at either side of my face. "Monty."

I can't just ignore him and I turn my head and look at him.

"I love you, okay?" he says and every time he does, it just seems to make me more and more nervous. "You... _you_ make me feel safe."

And before I can say anything, he leans down and places a kiss on my lips. His lips lightly touch mine and then he rests his forehead against mine.

And everything feels so right. It finally feels like I have my life in order.

***

We seem to have fallen asleep.

I hear the banging on the door but I don't wake up. I hear the shouting from outside but I don't wake up either. Just drunk people from the party.

But the banging and shouting doesn't stop and Winnstarts to stir awake.

"Go," he mumbles and he nudges me lightly with his elbow.

"You go," I say and I push him off of me.

How am I meant to move when he's clinging onto me for dear life and laying on top of me.

The shouting and knocking eventually stops and I go back to rubbing my nose against his neck. If only we could stay like this forever.

I start to close my eyes to try to fall back asleep, but I hear the door opening and then the light is turned on.

"What the fuck guys? Didn't you hear me knocking?"

I lightly push Winn off of me and we sit up to see Benji standing by the now-closed door. He's got a key in his hand and he's staring at us with a grin on his face. 

Of course, it's him.

Winn and I look at each other and we're both thinking the same thing: what the fuck?

"Come on guys, it's almost midnight," Benji tells us and he shakes his head at us in mock disappointment but the smile on his face doesn't fade. "I'm not going to let you spend the New Year's in here. Now, what do you need? Trousers? Underwear? Towels? I got you, I got you."

He stands walking around the room, picking up the clothes we threw around and Winn and I stare at him. Is this a dream?

"Benji, get the fuck out," I finally manage to say as Winn stares to him in shock.

He sighs and he throws our clothes onto the bed and I get hit in the face with someone's T-shirt.

"Five minutes," he tells us and he points a finger at us. "If you're not downstairs by then, I'm dragging you out of here. I don't care if you're naked. I'm not letting you miss the countdown."

Winn rolls his eyes at me and then he sighs. "Fine. Wait outside."

I didn't think he'd have to be told. But it is Benji, I wouldn't be surprised if he stayed.

***

"Ten!"

Charlie and Alex are looking up at the sky waiting for the fireworks to be set off.

"Nine!"

Benji and Luke are waving at us from the distance, they better not hurt themselves trying to set off the fireworks.

"Eight!"

Justin and Jessica are already kissing, so they made up again. Maybe Foley will finally start playing decently.

"Seven!"

Scott is holding Estella's hand and she's giggling like mad, trying to hide behind him in case the fireworks come our way which I doubt they will.

"Six!"

Benji's shifting from foot to foot, it's freezing and we're all cold. He's just trying to warm up.

"Five!"

My jacket is wrapped around Winn's shoulder and my arms are wrapped around his middle as I stand behind him.

"Four!"

He turns his head to the side and smiles at me. 

"Three!"

I smile back and my heart thuds against my ribcage.

"Two!"

He keeps his eyes on my lips and I don't know if I can wait until midnight to kiss him.

"One!"

And he leans in closer.

"Happy New Year!"

And he doesn't even wait for the fireworks to start, he doesn't look away, he doesn't hesitate.

He kisses me. He puts his hands on the back of my head and he pushes our head together like he can't get enough of me from just a kiss.

My hands grip onto his waist and I hear the shouting and laughter and the sound of fireworks exploding in the sky above us.

Benji squeals excitedly and I hear him shout my name but I pay no attention to him.

Winn is all I can focus on. He's all that matters right now.

Him. 

We're starting the new year, together. 

Tomorrow I'll give him his gift.

And we're going to be better than ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well.
> 
> im not really sure what to say.  
> first of all thank you so much for being here, always supporting me and sticking around (just like winn did for monty)  
> this never would have been possible if it wasnt for you  
> this is the last chapter of this book but i will be writing a sequel, i just want to focus on one of my other fan fics for now but im already looking forward to returning to this one.  
> comment any questions you have or feel free to dm me on instagram @wontywilliams where i give regualr updates on whats going on  
> again, thank you for sticking around, ill be forever grateful :)


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